Validation

At the end of the day, aren't we all looking for some level of validation for our personal sight of Truth? I am in the midst of cleaning up my life and in the process am learning many hard lessons. The hilarity of it is beyond what I can express. The irony, not Alannis Morrisette ironic but real irony, is my point has been proven by their words of conflict and opposition.

Wikipedia: Irony

Irony (from the Ancient Greek εἰρωνεία eirōneía, meaning hypocrisy, deception, or feigned ignorance) is a literary or rhetorical device, in which there is an incongruity or discordance between what one says or does and what one means or what is generally understood. Irony is a mode of expression that calls attention to the character's knowledge and that of the audience.

There is some argument about what qualifies as ironic, but all senses of irony revolve around the perceived notion of an incongruity between what is said and what is meant, or between an understanding or expectation of a reality and what actually happens. "when the literal truth is in direct discordance, to the perceived truth".

I have cried foul play and a huge bellow of unhappiness was pointed at me with hunched shoulders and owlish faces of defensive behavior. Excuses fly, fingers point and secrets are thrown into the light as if to play their Ace in the Hole to prove what a horrible person I am and how wrong I am about everything.

I'm told I'm a thief and not worthy of their respect because I bowed to my weakness of decreed mental illness and became a recipient of Social Security Disability. I'm keeping them from making enough money because I'm living off of the system, which steals from them at gun point and so they can't indulge in all of their expensive latest toys or pay off their sizable debts - because I'm on disability. And because I'm stealing from them, in cohorts with the gov't, they don't need to pay me back any money they owe me, even though they made promises to pay me back.

But I'm the bad guy here and nobody is treating me poorly at all. I'm such a paranoid bitch.

I am asked to gift them paintings for holidays and birthdays, yet they are unwilling to make something of theirs for me claiming that it's their livelihoods I'm asking them to give away. Because as an artist and painter living off of under $800 a month, painting them things like spare tire covers costs me nothing (even though I have to buy the cover for them as well.) But I don't have a real, normal job, it's not like my art is a job with a real income, it doesn't count as much as their money, time and energy.

I worked my ass off and put out months worth of income into community events I either helped with or put on myself. Even if my income comes from your worktime, I work it off by providing people with the space for playtime. I never take without giving back, ever. It's not in my blood to be that selfish. In the process I try to be as big of a recycle/reuser as I can be with all of my art projects so as to not be a consumer whore, while they almost insist that everything be up-to-date, brand spanking new technology and replace it each time a new version comes out. Feeding the corporate giants which control the gov't which pays me. If you want it to stop, then stop feeding the system - don't point fingers at the person the system was made to help. Usually we are too fucked up to do more than sign our names on documents, (I'm unlucky enough to still be coherent and intelligible.)

But I'm the bad guy here and nobody is treating me poorly at all. I'm such a paranoid bitch.

We all get together and dream big. Everyone makes a promise to help in some way, we all have projects we can easily handle. Only two of us come anywhere close to fulfilling our promises, another new one starts a project not considered earlier. Excuses fly - "my life is too much, your life is happy now" and I bite my tongue, not to say:

I worked to cover 3 different aspects of the group project while:
taking care of my very sick and delusional grandmother whenever I'm asked,
planning a Christmas wedding,
being supportive to my two best friends - one just had a baby, the other one was just laid off,
moving and merging my household with Mustard's,
getting to know my future in-laws and trying to jump the hurdle of my future mother-in-law's initial knee-jerk reaction of not liking me for many superficial reasons,
getting to know my 16yr old daughter after 14 years separated from her and having to balance the feelings of her adoptive family while we explore our relationship for the first time,
balancing MY family's reaction to all of the above while they still war against each other over old wounds
and last, but certainly not least
going to therapy weekly to try to face my childhood abuse in order to not continue the cycle with Mustard and our future children.

Yet I ask too much and I don't know what it's like to have a hectic, chaotic, challenging and hard life, where I have no time nor energy to fulfill my promises.

Remember, I'm the bad guy here and nobody is treating me poorly at all. I'm such a paranoid bitch.

Let me tell you something - life is not easy, it does not get easier with age. You have to deal with the bad vibes to make them go away, running away does nothing but leave a bad taste in the mouths of those who look up to you and when you have to return, many times the bad vibes are worse. If you want to be irresponsible, at least own up to it and admit you're lazy, bubble-headed and only want to have fun in your life. Sometimes a lot of thought needs to go into living and Definitely, Always you must put hard work, dedication and strong willpower into making anything succeed to it's fullest extent. Half-assed leads into entropy faster than anything, other than doing nothing at all.

Believe in something worth while. Create for more than entertainment's sake. Put ideas into your final product, ideas which edify and cause growth of thought. We're beyond 1984, let's start acting like it. I'm all about paradox, irony's a beautiful thing. It never/always means what you/I think/feel it does/n't.

I found my validation and I'm sure it'll drive nuts those who, very obviously, wanted me to feel put into place and bitch slapped back into the submissive, do-everything gal again. I feel as though I have been released from a very long imprisonment, all these years...

The Hermit's Whirlwind - Discovering America's Pacific Coast

Sitting in the afterglow (or is that aftermath?) of a 14 day road trip with the man I love - there's still too many words swimming around in my head.

The trip was a rollercoaster, the kind which brings thoughts, epiphanies, discoveries - but then every trip is like that if you just pay attention. The resulting changes within myself and my perceptions of the world around me went in a direction I could not have predicted. As if we can ever truly predict the future in any way, there are too many variables outside of our control and range of view to see beyond right now clearly.

The words which unlocked the swirling labyrinth in my mind...

“Until they become conscious they will never rebel, and until after they’ve rebelled they cannot be come conscious.” - 1984 George Orwell

I went on an old fashioned American road trip with my sweetheart, the modern day version of a June and Ward Cleaver, after they got their freak on. I rebel against a lot of things but just decided to let go and act like a tourist for this one trip. It was exceedingly difficult, I’m sure at times I was exceedingly difficult. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done, being so completely out of my comfort zone with no place to hide, that was familiar, except my lover’s arms and car. Being completely dependent upon him and his good graces - I had no finances to add to the trip. I did most of the planning and organizing of where to sleep each night and how to get from A - Z without killing ourselves.

In order to kill two birds with one stone, I set up staying at family/friends places about 50% of the time. We were able to socialize until everyone wanted to sleep, save money on places to stay and not stay long enough to become any sort of a burden at all. Though I felt like we were so pressed for time we could barely socialize and that it might have come across oddly to some hosts.

Only 14 days to drive from Denver thru Las Vegas to Los Angeles, Manhattan Beach to be exact. From there we went down to Irvine in Orange County and then back up the entire Pacific Coast to Vancouver. Stopping in Seaside on the Monterey Bay, up to San Jose for one day, over to Pigeon Point Lighthouse for 2 nights, up to Eureka for 1 night - that was most of California’s coastline in five days.

We drove the entirety of Oregon in one day, popping out to Reyes Point Station and down one side of the bay for a lunch jaunt on whim. We cheated on Oregon’s coasts, jumping to the 5 after Reyes Point and taking that all the way into Portland.

One night there and we drove up through the heavily logged Olympic National Park to Port Angeles on the Pennisula. The next morning it was over to Bainbridge Island Ferry into Seattle for a night and up to Vancouver with the dreaded Valentine’s Day BS.

Thus ending our tour of the Pacific Coast.

We escaped back through Washington, Idaho, Montana and down through Wyoming. Stopping in Hayden, Idaho and Sheridan, Wyoming to visit a friend and sleep.

I’d always wanted to take the winding roads along those breathtaking vistas of ocean and beach, the breakers dancing and racing like the water steeds of Celtic Legends. I held my breath and counted to see if I could find the 9th or 13th waves, except for the time I screamed OH MY GOD! And gasped all of my air out in ecstasy at the most amazing scene of nature I have ever laid eyes upon. But that is later on in this tale and it’s a story all onto it’s own which fits like a jigsaw puzzle piece in with it’s neighbors rather nicely.

I am getting ahead of myself, but that’s ok - there’s a jiggling that happens to one’s paradigm when you enter into new lands - the only definition I consider with “ New Lands” is: A Place You’ve Never Been Before Right Now. For me it was most places in this trip. I had been in exactly one of the places we went through in my conscious memory - San Francisco, which I had just visited two months before on my own pocket.

First I should make this clear, at the age of 35 peeking at the beginning of 36 - I still had not gotten anywhere close to Las Vegas. I was happy (am still happier) sticking with lil ole Reno up north, but people thought I should experience Vegas at least once. Well, now I have and I can say for certain I do not like that much sensory overload, I’m not numb enough for it - it blinds and deafens me, leaves me speechless with wanton waste and gluttony.

I see the excesses of the Roman Empire copied and the desperation on the faces around me - it horrified me. As I sat in our hotel room alone, staring out of the back of the Imperial Palace, down at the Gardens at the Flamingo from our room’s tiny balcony - I realized then that I needed to become like a tourist.

The alternative was to become hysterical daily, causing the trip and our relationship to end early. I didn’t want either and it would only become more stressful as the length of time on the road got further along. So I decided to just act like one of the out-of-towner yokels and suddenly it seemed so much easier to accept everything. This was my first clue as to what the people around me are living like, I’m in a dreamland bubble of my own creation I don’t know what it’s like for the average American out there. I refuse to swallow the Corporate Nightmare and so shiny seductress Vegas was like seeing a succubus’ true face. It is a numbing fairytale world, the adult version of Walt’s Dynasty and it had nothing to do with me.

Southern California it seems there are either houses or industrial/oil rigs and always, everywhere traffic, traffic, traffic. It’s such a paradox out there, I am still baffled by it all and it leaves me with this tingly sensation. I don’t know whether to be alarmed or refreshed. I felt like I was floating in this bubble of incredulity that it really is exactly as people joke about and I worry if I witnessed a heinous crime or two but was so blinded by culture shock that I didn’t realize what was going on. It’s a whole other world out there, Our introduction was 3 plus hours on the highways in traffic and uncharacteristic buckets of rain, trying to get from the desert on the east side of LA to the beaches on the west side. If you asked me to describe LA simply I’d say Traffic, that’s almost all I know of it.

...

More to come.

New beginnings

Sitting in the afterglow (or is that aftermath?) of a 14 day road trip with the man I love - there's still too many words swimming around in my head.

The trip was a rollercoaster, the kind which brings thoughts, epiphanies, discoveries - but then every trip is like that if you just pay attention. The resulting changes within myself and my perceptions of the world around me went in a direction I could not have predicted. As if we can ever truly predict the future in any way, there are too many variables outside of our control and range of view to see beyond right now clearly.

I'm too distracted still, my thoughts won't calm down enough to allow me to concentrate - I don't know where to begin. There's too many points to cover, too many things to say - how do I put them into a cohesive form??

I'm going to try to do it, but I don't know if I'm really a novelist.

Neuro-metascience

I'm really fascinated by how the mind works, the interplay between the conscious and subconscious.

We are complicated beings without even realizing or being aware of our complexity, take how we process input.
We have sensory organs which pick up everything around us, 360 - a complete bubble which is much bigger than we consciously know.
The entire array of colors which is found in light and shadow, all the different scents in the air and their subtle changes, how everything feels (this is tons of info all at once, wherever something is touching your skin - which is always,) we taste the air and the bacteria in our mouth, whatever we put there has levels of flavors, we hear all along the spectrum as well and we pick up every noise, conversation, note, whisper.

All of this is dumped into our brain every millisecond of every day.

Our brain has a processing/filtering center which sorts all of it, pulls out what is relevant to us at the moment and then files everything else away in it's appropriate place in the brain.

We have complete eidetic memories (unless there is damage to our memory storage and retrieval centers of the brain.)
We can access anything at any time if we know how to ask for it and are patient as our brain works like a library computer and chases down the appropriate information for the inquiry.

If you've lost something and can sleep on it, ask your subconscious to show where the last place you saw it was and to allow that information to be accessible upon waking. Unless someone moved it, you'll more than likely find it in the exact spot you saw in your dream.
Everything we read, watch, listen to - all of it is stored in our brains.

I wish I could figure out how to access all the knowledge in my head whenever I want it. There's some kind of memory block I experience half the time and if I could get past it, I could be a code cracker. As in having the ability to remember and recall anything I put into my brain. Of course this is why part of an IQ score is how much information we able to retain and translate into useful knowledge.

But think of what this means on the level of psychedelics.
Entheogens and the like seem to take away the filters which prevent us from being "bogged down" with all of billions (trillions??) of bytes of info streaming in through our sensory organs. Suddenly we are aware of the full spectrum of colors (sights), sounds, feelings, tastes, and scents. We find there is much more to our surrounding reality than our consciousness lets on, we find that we have been living in a sterile bubble of bland in comparison to what the universe actually looks like.

And they call this insanity? Is it? The hallucinations are probably the side effects of so much going on all at once and blending over onto each other, overlapping and melting into one another - the first traces of experiencing the phenomenon of All is One and One is All.

The revolution of the mind and heart.

The human spirit responds to suffering.
It reaches out of it's darkness towards a light perceived even if not fully seen.
From our wet wombs of torture
Great works are born.
Scowl and cry, curse those who steal
and try to crush under their boots.
Only keep the reminder
Strength is a spiritual virtue
Under your pillow at night.
Let your fingerprints explore it in it's reverse braille.
We are entering a darker age
Fighting it as a Roman Lord swats at flies
While lying prone from overindulgence
In his vomitorium.
Those who have eyes and ears
With senses tuned to beyond the flesh
View from the Prophet's throne
Though their mouths move
The shouts of the blind, deaf and dumb
Drown their sound.
But not for long.
Hunger kills useless motion
And when the pitiable lie
Restless in their pain.
Twisting and turning as the surgeons
Remove their material limbs.
Then the tongues will wag on the ends of fingers
The paint will pour forth with teeth and crone's eyes.
The Prophet will be reality once more
Not just another commentary to be placed
In the files of fads.
All will remember what it means to be human,
That sharing is all there is,
Nothing more
Nothing less.
Then shall we reach up to the fire of the Muse
and cleanse ourselves in agony of Truth.
Raise our arms in celebration
And say
Without the Dark we cannot know what light is.
We lost our way in the grey
Only in being struck blind
Can we see.
Take these senses from me
They are useless
Create for me anew
Create for you anew
Create for us anew
This is the only way to evolution.
The revolution of the mind and heart.

RMRF 12.08

I left my <3 in Denver

I've been on vacation for a week in San Francisco - Berkeley to be exact and running all over the Bay Area the entire time. I go home in two days and I am so ready for it, I want to cry.

I have been crying, a lot. Every day I've been here I've cried.
I've felt lonely, lost and completely overwhelmed the whole trip. I came out to see a friend who doesn't seem to think too much of me any longer. I have to repeat myself many times in order for anything I say to sink in, he's made plans which exclude me altogether and hasn't really paid all that much attention to me.

It's the same old, same old with how many friends treat me and I'm wondering if he's been like this all along and I'm just noticing it or if this is new and I did something to offend him? I don't know truthfully but as I'm sitting here, hungry, with no food in the house and no way to get any - I'm thinking I'm not coming back again next year (delivery is too expensive, i have no car, there's no place I can walk to fast enough in the cold and rain - he's out at a fancy dinner right now in the city with his work. Is it just me or would you say "sorry, I have an out of town guest at home alone tonight."??)

I really want to be home already, at least if I'm hungry there it's my own freaking fault 100%. And I tried to call for pizza delivery, but they asked me questions that I could not answer and they must have thought it was a prank because they hung up on me. :(

This is not a happy vacation for the most part. Little bits here and there were ok, but for the most part I've been ignored, stressed out and treated like a 5th wheel the entire time.

Painful root removal

I was prompted by M reading my Background to go back and reread what I wrote.

My life seems like it is a soap opera, I'm so dramatic about everything and yet I don't say anything but the truth. Who needs lies when the truth is so much more fantastic?

I have lived a very hard life, not as hard as others granted - but still pretty sad, hurtful and angry. I learned that anger and spite are the ways to survive, I did not learn what love really means until my 30s. I did not experience the fullness nor unconditioned type of love until my 30s. I was taught that love is conditional, you must act perfect, look perfect, be as close to the model of perfection in order for anyone to love you.

What is the result of this in my love life?

I have had one beatdown after another with men.
So many just used me to feel better about themselves, to feel superior and worthwhile. None of them ever gave back in any way but money and gifts. Those who did not treat me this way, treated me like some queen who is so far above them there was no equal connection and that is almost worst.

So many have pulled me along on their games, lied to me, cheated on me, promised me the world while actually giving their worlds to someone else, kept me on the wire of "I don't know" as long as they could and once they felt they had to do something - always ran away.

I'm told this is them, not me. Yet there is this part of me which sees others, sees people who say all the things I've been told "I'm not ready. I don't want. I'm not in the right place." and as soon as that right person comes along - all these excuses disappear never to be seen again. So it is at least partially me, not just you - you fucking assholes.

So to have every man I've ever loved or cared greatly about do this to me, over and over and over again - it wears on you. You come to expect it and you desecrate anything which might not turn out that way. The pattern is the comfort.

I hate this pattern. I loathe it. I wish it was a physical object so that I could shoot it repeatedly until there is nothing recognizable left about it. Because it physically HURTS and it paralyzes me completely, I try to be different - I try to think positive thoughts, I try to believe This Time - it will not happen that way!

But it always does. It always does and it's enough to make me want to give up altogether. To say Fuck you, I obviously don't belong here and juct check out. Because I'll never be good enough and if that is so, then why am I fucking here? To be a blessing to other people and live a miserable life of my own???

Well Fuck You! I don't want to be your fucking Jiminy Cricket, your gift, your support beam, your mother, your friend, your second choice, your closet skeleton, your rebound...

I want to be ME, I want to be an equal participant and equally chosen!

I don't want to be the only one who's not afraid to try new things or to change or to take risks.
I don't want to be the cheerleader who gets taken for granted and patted on the head in return.
I don't want to be the mom or best friend who gets all the intimacy but none of the romance.
I don't want to be your buddy, your sister, your pal, your ma.

I'm done with all of that.

I deserve to be loved and accepted 100% for who I am in full.
I deserve to be found attractive, sexy, beautiful - both on the inside and the out.
I deserve to be treated equally.
I deserve to be considered a good partner, not just a time filler.
I deserve what I've always wanted in this life - a companion who is my equal and equally wants me as their companion.

I don't ask for marriage or children or financial security or any of the things people usually get together for.

I just want a best friend who is also my lover, someone to share my life with and who wants to share their life with me. Just share it, it doesn't have to mean one way of life is dead for anyone. Like you have to give up something of yourself to be a part of it.

Even my best friends leave me out of the loop and don't share in the way I'd really like. I try not to think about it, makes me cry every fucking time. It's not like I'm asking for something impossible - they do it with each other, share in that super intimate daily way - maybe if I had a friend who actually was like that with me, I wouldn't think that having a romantic companion is so important.

Then again, maybe I'm just a terrible friend and nobody feels it's worth trying to be that close to me. I'm left behind and forgotten so often I stopped asking "What's up?" I don't live a life like everyone else around me. Maybe I just don't live at all.

And if I'm not really living, then why am I alive?

I'm pulling up the evil roots of my childhood, they have been rotten since they first took root.
I have to be more than I am now, I have to stop believing that I'm a terrible person, that I'm not worthy of anything.

I am a good person and I am worthy of everything.
I am worthy of having an equal companion who wants to be with me just as much as I, him.
I am worth stepping away from fears and running headlong into the unknown with.

I am worth way more than I'm given credit for.

To all those who used me and threw me away like garbage - I hope your karma bites you on the ass 10x's over and that's a witch's hope there.

I put my whole heart and soul into those I love, there is no hidden agenda or feelings, I don't backstab or play pretend with feelings. What you see is what you get.

I put my all into those I care about and people don't want it - they treat it like a disease. To have someone genuinely care about you and want the best for you - why is that a horrible thing? Because most don't know how or want to give it back?? Because people think it's too hard and risky to do so? But if we all did that, there would no longer be a risk, it would be the easiest thing in the world. To just care 100%.

Don't take my love for granted, see it for what it is and either accept it or walk away. Taking advantage of it just taints it.

I am currently head-over-heels for a man in my life, I am caring 100% even though I know the fear is there and that he might run away too. I have to, otherwise I'm not being true to myself - so how do I care in such an open and honest way without fear of him bolting? How do I discard these destroying negative fears within myself? How do I believe that I'm worthy of receiving the same amount of caring back?

How do I stop becoming such a crazy person about all of this and learn to just let things be?

I'm tired of being so very alone.
Please, Universe, God/dess, Great Spirit - whoever is listening, please - I've done my time alone, I don't want it anymore. Even if it's not for the rest of my life, right now - I want and need a companion. I want someone who can accept my love, really accept it and be glad to be within it's full bloom.
I'm not afraid of the single life, I'm just very tired of it and I want to not be here anymore.