Mysterious Ways

The universe (or God or Goddess or whatever you want to call it) works in mystery, at least to us it is in ways which are mysterious and enigmatic wrapped in a tortilla shell made out of stars.

I have been having an honest communication with a friend of mine. This means we lay out exactly what's on our minds, without the tiptoeing most people require. I can be harsh as most people know, if nothing else I'm a little abrasive and my some of my edges are a little pointy just naturally. Think of it as part of my eccentric charm. Heh.

So as I was writing a response to her this morning, the words I have been searching for within my current spiritual dillemma came forth. Much of it is shocking to me, I didn't realize that this was going on in my noggin, but it makes sense.

So I'm going to share the gist of this email (leaving out the personal parts for the sake of my friend's privacy since she runs a community spiritual healing center.)

...............................................................

I need to focus on my inner rituals and accept my inner divinity right now, instead of going to outer rituals and focusing on the outer aspects of what is within me. Essentially, I need to tear the face off the goddess and place it on my head instead, this is a very private thing at the beginning and I'm kind of in new territory altogether here.

It is no longer ok for me to acknowledge my inner divinity in a round about way, the gods and goddesses are simply anthropomorphic versions of the different aspects of the divine within us, they exist in order to distance ourselves to help with the acceptance of that aspect in our lives.

We limit our divinity with our humanity and do not believe we Are the actual gods - that would be too disappointing for the majority of the species, to find that the Divine is so fallible and finite. But if it is all things, then it is this as well as infallible and infinite. All things need a paradox, a balance to exist.

I can no longer make that separation and feel right about it, I don't know what changed or why and I don't look down on anyone else for doing things this way, I'm confused enough without putting that into the mix.

There is also that I spent so many years going to rituals and running rituals, it's lost all meaning to me and no longer nourishes my spirit. This is a sad thing and it is something I need to face. The loss is not in the rituals or the people involved, it is within myself. Possibly the lack of separation and the confusion are big factors in this, I am a jumble of questions right now and my subconsciousness has been in overdrive for almost a year, but I can't remember what's going on in my Dreaming.

I'm stepping into the unknown and it's frightening and exciting all at the same time, I feel like I'm accelerating and retarding simultaneously and I don't understand it, I'm starting to feel like cosmic taffy here.

I'm glad that you respect that some women do not feel comfortable in women's gatherings, I have been puzzled by my discomfort for a while and lamenting that I'm so disassociated from my womanhood. It's painful to be in the presence of only women, which is why after being in the women's circles I search out the men so quickly. Women's gatherings remind me that I don't... there's a word that I can't find. It is like being shown how wonderful it is to be a woman and revel in it, but still remain on the outside without being able to get there no matter what you do. Why don't I feel like a woman? I wish I knew, but I know I'm not the only one who feels like this in the world. And it's not that I feel like I'm a man trapped in a woman's body either. It's like I'm neuter, while still having all of my female parts. It's a very dead feeling and isolating from our entire gender. Maybe this is why I want another child, to prove to myself that I am indeed a woman, but I've already proven that with my first child so obviously that is not the answer.

..............................................

There's more to the email of course, it's just none of anyone's business but hers and mine.

This answers questions and simultaneously creates more.
I need to think on it for a while and not in a writing sense right now, I feel like I'm going to start writing in loops. I need to research this idea of separation between ourselves and our inherent full divinity a lot more.

Hmmm

The Dreaming

I work in dreams, it's one of the reasons I started my own amateur studies on neuroscience. To be able to understand the processes of the brain, in order to have a scientific grounding to a metascience field.

The subconscious is as close as we get to being omnipotent and omniscient, it does a fairly good job with it as well. At least within our own individual subjective inner worlds, but since in reality that is truly all we have - it's a big thing. Our sensory organs do not have filters, those are within the brain itself, all info on all levels enters our sensory organs the brain processes it, filters out what the consciousness does not need to function and stores the rest. All this happens so fast we are not consciously aware of it. (Sorry, little brain pun there. heh)

The subconscious has an eidetic memory of every single thing we experience, even those experiences that are filtered out. I believe that our consciousness talks to us about all the things it filtered out during the day as we sleep, it's why our dreams sometimes reflect our days but with odd twists or focuses on different details than the ones we were occupied with while awake. It's why we can search for something we've lost around the house for days and then dream of it's whereabouts and upon waking find the dream was 100% correct. Or why when we have a difficult problem we need to find a solution to, but are struggling to put all the pieces together, that in a dream it can all be laid out in perfectly understandable terms, leading (if you remember the dream upon waking) to solving a major problem in one night's sleep.

Our subconscious loves playing jigsaw puzzle with the trillions of bits of information it takes in, putting in things that it filtered out during the day as unnecessary information for the consciousness at the moment. Like say, a conversation co-workers are having in the background which contains a pertinent piece of information which would aid in your current project but at the moment of their conversation, which happened just out of conscious ear range, you didn't know you needed it. Once you are asleep and it's time for your subconscious to take the reigns, it can access that previously ignored info and piece it into the rest of your puzzle.

The same goes with internal issues, dreams reflect any turmoil, anxiety, confusion, fear, sadness, etc., etc. so that the subconscious can look at it from many different angles and figure out what it's really all about. It's the ultimate psychiatrist (unless the subconscious is "broken" as well, which is considered by today's terms true insanity, but that's a different subject.)

I have been blocked from seeing most of what's going on in my subconscious for almost a year now, it's part of my frustration and depression. It's like chopping off a limb arbitrarily and saying that I can have it back some other arbitrary point in the future, but please, act like nothing's wrong until then. The only thing I'm allowed to know about my Dreaming times is the overwhelming feeling that they are very intense, extremely lucid and almost like I'm living two separate but very real lives, one in this waking reality and one in my subconscious's reality. Kind of like Clark Kent and Superman.

For someone who works in the Dreaming, this is extremely frustrating.

I just had a flash from the depths, thanks subcon... if I was to explain what it was in my terms, many would write me off as another new age looney. So I'll take a different route to explaining it. Basically I was having nightmares a year ago regarding a man whom I allowed to break my heart, then crush it to a fine powder and in order to get them to stop I took measures to protect myself by not being able to remember them upon waking. In essence, I put up an extra filter between consciousness and subconsciousness which blocked the specific kind of communication between the two which allows for dreams to be remembered.

Though there's the warning that suddenly being able to remember my dreams again fully may not be the most pleasant of experiences - I think this is just one of those warning klaxons placed to remind oneself to be Very sure about proceeding further. Kind of like Hal in 2001: Space Odyssey - trying to warn Dave away from turning him off - leaving this filter on would cause more harm than good in the long run.

I must say I had one dream tonight (I've already been to bed and slept for 5 hours) that woke me up in the middle of it with the urge to act immediately on the solution it gave me to an issue with a friend. I got up and thought about it when the urge to write the proscribed email hit me in a wave once more and so I got up and wrote it, exactly as I was shown in my dream. What happened in the dream before that I don't know, what else I dreamed in those 5 hours I don't remember either, but just the act of remembering that part so succinctly is wonderful to me.

It's the reason I started writing this entry actually, so two good things out of my subconscious from one partial dream. Man, if we could just believe in our subconscious's abilities we would become nie on supermen ourselves, it's probably a good thing there's so many filters between it and the consciousness.

Maybe part of our next evolution is tapping further into our subconscious and dropping some of the extraneous filters we have up. It's a thought.

For more info on lucid dreaming go here: http://www.dreamviews.com/

Brain blockage

So if you get into neurology and peptides and neural pathways and all that jazz, you'll probably get what I'm going to talk about.

I'm dealing with a brain blockage, it comes from repeating something and getting a negative emotion from doing it. I'll use my problems with mathematics as an example.

I have always had issues figuring out math, the formulas don't make sense when they are discussed in that field. However, I can usually do the math automatically when it comes to music. Now if I stop to think about the math in music, I get all messed up and my brain sends a message saying "This hurts, stop now."

I had painful experiences around learning math from grade school up, just as I had the same kinds of experiences learning the mechanics of grammar (which I have a better grasp of now that I've had a most excellent teacher to show it to me in a different way.)

After years in the public school systems here, where the teachers just don't have the time to figure out different ways to teach kids with subject issues like myself and failing algebra twice in high school - I was eventually siphoned down to crap mathematics classes - how to do your basic taxes, etc. In those classes, there was nothing too complex mathematically to learn, it was just applying basic math to complex paperwork.

So my teachers brushed me off or told me I was lazy, the administration and my folks didn't know what to do with me - hence, they dropped me in the dumb kids math classes and called it good. I was treated like this until college, where I HAD to pass advanced math classes in order to get a degree. I applied myself to learning it for the first time in years and failed miserably. I was yet again brushed off or told I was being lazy and that anyone could understand the formulas.

So now my psyche adds that I am too stupid to understand what everyone else can get easily.

This is a repeated action which resulted in negative emotion (reaction); this causes the neurons to fire in specific patterns which then release the peptides associated with negative emotions. It becomes a neural pattern or habit. You say math to me, my brain takes that and sends the info to my hippocampus (the part of the brain which stores memory) for memory references which then follow the habitual pattern ingrained by years of repeated action/reaction within the amygdala (the part of the brain which deals with emotions.)

To be more specific, the hippocampus of the brain works in conjunction with the amygdala, bringing traumatic memories together with strong negative emotions. This is thought to happen because negative experiences bring about the survival instincts where our negative emotions come from. (Without fear, anxiety, anger, etc. - we would not be able to differentiate between what's good for us and what's bad, causing us to not be able to react in a way of survival during harmful situations.)

It takes consciously "rewiring" the brain to reverse this pattern into a positive reaction. But you must replace the first traumatic memories with newer positive ones. Hence why I was able to finally grasp grammatical mechanics in college after years of complete imcomprehension - I had positive experiences with a really amazing professor which overwrote the traumatic experiences with my high school teachers. (Those people were doozies...)

So, I have this negative memory/emotion patterned reaction to the topic of math. All I need is positive experiences where I am able to comprehend it and the block will be gone, replaced by at least a like of the subject. It may sound magical and instantaneous, however, it takes more than one new positive memory to foster this radical change in neurochemistry.

I am trying my damnedest to work past these blocks. Within this neural formula is the means for anyone to get past fears, anxiety, anger, self-destructive patterns, etc.

Self-destructive patterns are interesting. It seems that when all one experiences is negativity on a large scale for many years, the amygdala can actually use these patterns to bring about positive feelings instead. Or at least the basic functions of lust, comfort and security. Hence why some people enjoy SadoMasochistic behavior and experiences.

So how does one find the positive experiences to replace the negative ones? By taking chances, risks even (and it does feel like a survival risk due to the patterned response connection between hippocampus and amygdala.) By pushing past the knee jerk negative emotion reaction and trying to create a more positive replacement. Or you find someone who has the ability, patience and understanding to bring a little light on the subject, helping you to understand it without any emotional pain involved.

Now when the positive begins to happen, many times we confuse the good feelings which come with this, with infatuation for the person who helped to foster it. The old crush on teacher thing. It's really flattering for the teacher, they have brought about a positive experience for thier student hopefully bringing about a breakthrough in their learning process, but they must recognize the infatuation for what it is.

...

I've been blathering on about all this for a while and I'm tired now.
I've proven a point to myself, a positive experience resulting from me taking a risk. I wanted to prove to myself that I am smart enough to understand mathematics. If I can understand neuroscience, even on a small scale - I can get math. :)

One new memory with good feelings attached down, several more to go. Now if I could just find someone who is able to teach me algebraic formulas in a way I get - I'll be golden.

(You may be wondering why I'm so keen on learning higher maths - my dreams involve engineering, clockworks, mechanics, robotics, welding, chemisty... all these things are needed in my noggin in order for me to realize them and if I understand math, this path of learning will be much easier.)

Reminders from a good friend

From the minds of masters...

Buddhavision

"See everybody as the Buddha. When you are stuck in a traffic jam on the Los Angeles freeway, can you look at all the other drivers, particularly the ones who are weaving in and out of lanes, and see them as the Buddha? In a work situation, if you have a particularly cantankerous boss who you think is a complete idiot, can you look at that person as the Buddha? As a manager, can you see the person who is working for you as the Buddha?"

--Gerry Shishin Wick Sensei, Tricycle: The Buddhist Review Summer 1996
from Everyday Mind, edited by Jean Smith, a Tricycle book

and:

The True Nature of Happiness

Lack of understanding of the true nature of happiness, it seems to me, is the principal reason why people inflict sufferings on others. They think either that the other's pain may somehow be a cause of happiness for themselves or that their own happiness is more important, regardless of what pain it may cause. But this is shortsighted: no one truly benefits from causing harm to another sentient being. Whatever immediate advantage is gained at the expense of someone else is shortlived. In the long run, causing others misery and infringing their rights to peace and happiness result in anxiety, fear, and suspicion within oneself. Such feelings undermine the peace of mind and contentment which are the marks of happiness.

True happiness comes not from a limited concern for one's own well-being, or that of those one feels close to, but from developing love and compassion for all sentient beings. Here, love means wishing that all sentient beings should find happiness, and compassion means wishing that they should all be free of suffering. The development of this attitude gives rise to a sense of openness and trust that provides the basis for peace.

--The Dalai Lama, from The Dalai Lama: A Policy of Kindness, edited by Sidney Piburn
from Everyday Mind, edited by Jean Smith, a Tricycle book

and:

People We'd Rather Avoid

Metta (lovingkindness) is to be extended towards all beings and all manifestations, yet most of our difficulties lie with people. It is much easier to love birds, dogs, cats, and trees than it is to love people. Trees and animals don't answer back, but people do, so this is where our training commences. . . . Sometimes people find they don't feel anything while practicing metta meditation. That is nothing to worry about; thoughts aimed often enough in the right direction eventually produce the feelings. All our sense contacts produce feelings. Thoughts are the sixth sense, and even if we are only thinking metta, eventually the feeling will arise. It is one means of helping us to gain this heart quality, but certainly not the only one.

In our daily activities all of us are confronted with other people and often with those whom we would rather avoid. These are our challenges, lessons and tests. If we consider them in that manner we won't be so irritated by these experiences. . . . When we realize that such a confrontation is exactly what we need at that moment in order to overcome resistance and negativity and substitute metta for those emotions, then we will be grateful for the opportunity.

--Ayya Khema, in When the Iron Eagle Flies
from Everyday Mind, edited by Jean Smith, a Tricycle book

yet another:

What Right Speech Means

Right speech means abstention (1) from telling lies, (2) from backbiting and slander and talk that may bring about hatred, enmity, disunity and disharmony among individuals or groups of people, (3) from harsh, rude, impolite, malicious and abusive language, and (4) from idle, useless and foolish babble and gossip. When one abstains from these forms of wrong and harmful speech one naturally has to speak the truth, has to use words that are friendly and benevolent, pleasant and gentle, meaningful and useful. One should not speak carelessly: speech should, be at the right time and place. If one cannot say something useful, one should keep "noble silence."

--Walpola Rahula, What the Buddha Taught

from Everyday Mind, edited by Jean Smith, a Tricycle book

Habits are hard to break

I basically made a vow to leave people to their opinions and assumptions, to not get angry when they skew something I say and take it way out of context. We are fallible after all, to err is human and all that.

And yet, not even 24hrs after I make this decision I get angry and serve some people a little anger pie. sigh

I must not judge myself too harshly, I am trying something new and it's easier to slip than to stay on course. The more I exercise it, the easier it will become - right?

I'm just tired of people assuming the worst instead of the best. When will we learn as a species? All I can do is work towards this myself and hope that others are doing the same.

Of course, there's the whole bringing the truth to light and gently telling people that they have assumed the worst and that they are way off context and out of line. I just don't know how to do this yet and so it is better to stay silent than to go off on people like a loose cannon.

I am trying with all of my might to not be afraid that I cannot learn this. I can learn anything I set my mind to, right? I can learn anything I set my mind to - that should be my new motto.

Anyone out there think they can teach me math? Algebra level and beyond that is. I could probably use a refresher on fractions too. I get geometry, maybe it's because I have a symbol to show me what's being worked out... is there a way to mix geometry with algebra to get the formulas to make sense?

I really, really, really want to not be so bad at math, I want to get beyond this limitation. It's the only reason I didn't get my degree after all. All I had to do was pass my math courses and I wasn't able to, so I left college with no degree after 4 years of trying to just get an associates in the arts.

I told myself I could do it, I made a real effort to understand it and when I hit a brick wall, I went to the tutors supplied by the school. I was told "how can you not get this, it's so easy? You're just not trying." Everyone thought I was just being lazy and wouldn't help me, none of them believed that I really didn't understand one bit of it. So I quit, after trying 3 times to pass algebra and failing miserably each time - I figured I just don't have the right mind to understand it.

So this is the same thing only in a different context. I have a hard time with my anger, it was the first and main emotion I learned, it was my knee jerk survival reaction from an early age. Fight fire with fire, right? I've gone to therapy for it, I've learned techniques, skills, meditations, mantras - all to get this part of me to not be the ruling part. I am not as angry as I once was, it has calmed down to mostly reactions to people's stupidity in assumptions. Where as it used to be I was angry at the world at large with no differentiations between anything.

I haven't figured out the formula on telling people they've got it wrong without being a bitch about it. So, I just have to have faith that either I'll one day have an "ah-ha!" moment or someone will say something which will bring about the same effect.

Until then, I need to keep my mouth shut, else I dump misery on both my heads and those around me.

Nice

I'm so content right now.
I realized today that I've finally accepted my need to learn better interpersonal habits, better romance habits and new ways of looking at the whole enchilada.
I don't attract just the bigoted, alcoholic assholes of the world as I was starting to think.
I need to become comfortable with me, as in with this new me that I'm discovering.
It's one thing to change, it's a whole other game accepting the change 100%.

I don't need the guilt I lay on myself for being "abnormal" and I am so much happier when I'm not being an opinionated know-it-all.

Still need to work on asking people to repeat themselves when I can't hear them, instead of nodding and then accidentally changing the subject mid-topic. (Which happens more often than I'd like to admit.)

One of these days I'll get to go to eye and ear doctors to see how the deterioration is doing. It's not hypochondria or paranoia with these, I'm losing my wonderful sight and after years of clubs and big underground parties with music at deafening levels - my hearing is going as well.

Anyway, I was checking up on the 2 different dating sites I have profiles on and realized that I don't want to be on them anymore. I don't want to date anyone at the moment, I just want to improve my current friendships and learn how to accept myself 100%.

Good revelations

What to write? There's too much right now going through my brain.

I am learning new things about me, good things this time.

I spent all weekend with a new friend, he's great and we had a lot of fun. Everything is so comfortable around him, it's an extremely rare thing for me - I always feel awkward, even around my close friends most of the time. Either he is too polite to speak when I am annoying or he's one of the most patient and understanding people I have met in forever. (Hi! Thanks again!)

It's an odd sensation to spend so much time in constant company with one person and not go into the "I need space!" freak out. I didn't feel the urge to correct or explain myself in simple terms or repeat myself over and over to get a point across. I think I've been hanging out with guys who don't have as much in the braincase as I do, being around one who most likely has more upstairs than me is such a breath of fresh air.

(And for my girlfriends reading this - Hi Ethel! No, we're not dating or making with the sweet lovins, I think he's going to be an awesome friend for a long time. Yes, we've talked about it and I feel safe in saying this with certainty. :)

And he doesn't cling! (snoopy dance) He's an awesome companion to hang out with and wander around doing geeky stuff with. I'm relaxed in his company at all times, this is a first for me, usually it takes me a long, long time to get over my awkwardness with new people in my life.

(You know, M, it feels weird talking about this knowing you'll be reading it... I refuse to stop being open on this blog though, I hope it's okay with you.)

So I'm not adverse to being around someone for a long period of time - it's just been a while since I've met someone new whom I feel able to do so with. There are a few others I can be around for long stretches with no problems, like my good friend Xander - we've traveled together so often we have a routine and pattern down to save sanity. There's also my friend Bobzilla who lives in Berkley - we have a ton of fun together, no strings or expectations. I think I wear on my girlfriends' nerves a bit after a while, I'm kinda high strung. ;)

I'm really tired from the weekend and my back hurts from sleeping on an old single mattress on the floor last night.

I'm going to get over my aversion to public transportation. I think I'm going to get an mp3 player, maybe I can ask for one for Christmas - the not-an-ipods are cheaper now. Though I've already asked for a trip to the optomitrist and help with buying glasses if I need them. Which is more important. Maybe I can sell a painting to get the money for a player... I think having a sound barrier between me and the other passengers would help tremendously. That way I can't hear the abuse they heap on each other and if I've got my nose in a book, I won't see it either. It's pathetic that I want to be able to ignore prejudice behavior instead of confronting it - but I'm tired of confrontation.

...

I'm tired of confrontation. So why do I keep confronting people? Hmmm. Maybe it's time to lay off for a while and just let people be. I think I'm going to be quiet on my disgruntled problems and see how that goes for me.

Ok I'm exhausted and can't type very well at the moment, my OCD editing is making this take for freakin' ever to write too. X)

Till next time, same bat time, same bat channel.

Lessons on People

1. When you write anything ambiguous, each person who knows you and reads it - will think it's about them.

2. They will always assume the worst and most of the time get it wrong and be way off.

3. They will give you advice about their mistaken assumption, putting their feet in their mouths further and further as they make more and more assumptions based on their first erroneous one.

4. These days there are anti-etiquette's in the technological world. (ie: if you send an invitation email/text to more than one friend and ask for a response, it is treated as a rhetorical question or else you would've asked them individually.) *this makes no sense to me, but what do I know?*

5. It really is all about them and if you can't be simple and outwardly positive then most people don't want to have anything to do with you. This equates to "Dude you're being real, stop it or I'll unfriend you."

6. If you don't have the money or the inclination to drink, you aren't as fun to have around.

7. It really is All about the sex.

8. People love it when you throw parties, but hate it when you try to find a ride to theirs.

9. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.

I am learning and what I'm learning doesn't make me feel any better about Americans in general. There are always excepts to the rule, but those are few and far between. We are selfish, lazy and rude; it's all about how much income you have, hiding your emotions and putting up a front, how you look, what you believe.

I keep getting the advice "Be yourself and fuck those who can't take it." But even those who say this don't seem to mean it. Being oneself at all times is being open and honest about both the good and the bad times. I can't be myself and then hide my bad days because it makes people uncomfortable at the same time.

Someone said to me recently that strong women rock and I shouldn't hide away just because people try me poorly. I have been strong, facing the shit people throw at me and throwing it back my whole life - there comes a time when one just gets sick of doing it. People do not respect those who do this, they call them "bitchy and opinionated" and give you hell even more.

I'm tired of being treated poorly. Not everyone does, then again - these people are few and far between. In my life I have only a handful of friends who do not. I am thankful for them and I try to treat them wonderfully, with respect and gratitude. I try to say thank you as often as possible because this is a rare characteristic these days.

There are those who go out of their way to be overly nice and helpful, 9 times out of 10 every time they help you, it is to rack up paybacks and they feel it entitles them to treat you anyway they like the rest of the time.

People, if you help someone - do it because you want to without expecting anything in return.

And the whole "I'd help you but I have my own problems" is asinine. If we all help each other out, then we get solutions faster; if we try to do it all on our own, we end up floundering and bitter. I've seen this proven again and again. How about," sure I can help you with that, I was wondering if you might be able to help me with this." It's not an expectation for paybacks, it's participating as a community to better everyone's lives. If we're upfront about it, then there's no reason to hold the help we give over other people's heads.

It's not "I helped you, now you better help me."
It's "Sure I can help you, I was wondering if you can help me."
Sometimes the help equates to "I can't personally help you with this, it's beyond me - but I know someone who can. Let me introduce you."
If we all stopped just expecting someone else to take care of it, without even checking to see if this is the case or giving moral support - less people would be floundering and more happiness would be a result.

Maybe I'm wrong or just an idealist, I just know that there was once a time (and it's still happening with much success in other parts of the world) when Community and helping others out without expecting anything back was the status quo.

We are a corporate nation, we treat people the way the big corporations treat us. If you help me I'll fuck you, if you don't I'll fuck you even harder and if you need help well fuck you too.

I'm embarrassed to be an American, I have been most of my life. We aren't worth the phony money we call currency. (Phony money lesson = our currency is not backed by anything but the people's belief in it. Without our belief that it is worth anything, even a $100 bill isn't worth a penny. This means most currency is backed by it's stated worth in precious metal, like gold, ours isn't backed by anything at all. Monopoly money has the same amount of worth as the US dollar in all reality.)

I believe in a revolution, in people standing up and saying "this isn't ok, there has to be a better way." It doesn't have to be a hostile take over or a civil war, but we have to grow backbones and stop believing in the illusions we are being fed. I know that this way of thinking can be/is considered dangerous by our current government, if I haven't been flagged by my thoughts on our current state of affairs by now this isn't going to do a damned this.

I believe in pulling down the blinds and letting the light shine in, it won't be pretty but it'll definitely be a wake up call. Do you know how close we've become to being secured behind our own Iron Curtain? Think on that and yet we're apathetic, ready to take down those who are real about everything in their lives, scrambling to get more toys and support our numbing addictions. Bowing to the corporate overlords, because they pay the most.

It's sad and the everyday behaviors of the masses echo how bad it's really become.
Don't be a drone, stand up and look around you, look at how you treat people.
I'm no exception, I fall into some of these bad habits myself from time to time - but I always snap out of it, apologize (which really confuses people) and try to face the music once more.

If there's ever a cleaning of revolutionary thinkers in this country, I would be extremely surprised if I wasn't caught in it.

**If you think I went down a rabbit hole, please see the subtitle to this page one more time. ;)

Forgotten

I decided to dump my thoughts onto here whenever my feelings get to an extreme.

Tonight I'm feeling forgotten and ignored, out of the loop, left behind.

I made arrangements with friends a few weeks ago to be their designated driver so that I could hang out with a bunch of my friends at a place too far for me to get to and back home without a vehicle and they could drink without driving intoxicated. (I use their car, they drive me home the next day.)

Either they weren't happy with the way things went the one and only time or they've forgotten it altogether. They haven't said anything to me one way or the other.

I know, I need to love myself and not worry about others, but it just hurts to be forgotten. I've been dealing with neglect issues my whole life, people just don't think it's important to consider me. Not my closest friends, not my family, not even to this very day. I'm the one everyone remembers After it's all said and done, then it's "Oops! Sorry, we didn't even think about you, but you didn't really want to do that did you? I mean it's not something you would enjoy, right?"

Yes, I absolutely Hate hanging out with my friends and family, I love sitting at home alone, day in and day out instead. Oh yes, I find being isolated from those I love while everyone else is out partying together Much more enjoyable.

*rolling my eyes*

Feeling left out and forgotten is one of my main depressives. Being ignored by everyone I reach out to (because I do reach out and try to communicate) is another. People just glaze over me and I don't get why. It makes me feel invisible and not worth a goddamn.

I'm done with letting it slide, not letting people know when they are being rude by not replying at all. I have sent out so many emails over the years, inviting people to do things or even just trying to get people to talk, without a single reply from a long list of people. Not a single person thinks to even say, thanks for the thought - sorry I can't participate right now. How long does it take to say that? It took me all of 3 secs to type it just now, so with opening/reading/replying/sending - maybe Maybe 5 minutes tops and that's if you're a slow reader/typist.

The only time I get replies is if I badger people and say "Come on, at least tell me no so I'm not sitting here waiting on all of you." People tell me to call and they don't answer. They tell me "Oh I Always answer this email." and never do.

Unless it's convenient for them to see me, 9 times out of 10 nobody even cares. Nobody tries really hard to get me to come out and play. And don't fucking tell me that I'm just wanting something nobody else gets either. I sit there and watch people desperately try to get others to show up or join them, calling, sending SMS, emailing, bribing, begging, pleading. But nobody ever does that with me, I don't even get the nonchalant "wanna come?" unless I put myself in people's range of view and bribe them.

If I didn't have something to compare what I experience to, I wouldn't be so upset would I?

I know I'll come back to this later and see a pattern I've been missing all along.
Maybe it's time to make new friends, but that never works out - I end up making friends with people who make my passive ones look like attention whores for my love.

Let's just say, I'm a whiny bitch but there's a reason for it and when I look for something better, I am shown what terrible asses people are to each other and why I should be ok with meh treatment instead.

Thinking Romance til it runs out my ears...

So because I'm contrary, even and especially when I proclaim will not do something (usually that means I Will do it) I cannot get my romantic issues off my mind.

On one of the livejournal communities I belong to we've started themed discussions and today's was lyric/poems we love and why.

This was my entry:

I'm a big Crash Test Dummies fan, they are my #1 favorite band.

Lyrics to Sonnet 1 (And When The Sun Goes Down) :

And when the sun goes down into the sky
Together we shall sit and we shall sup
And we shall eat, and drink the heady wine
O, let us share the overflowing cup

We'll ramble on the coast, each side by side
We'll feel the sting of bracing salty air
We'll feel the moon pull at the ocean's tide
And wonder that we are together there

One day these things shall have come to pass
And then the end will come, as so it must
No longer shall we smell the summer grass
No longer shall we know each other's trust

So let us walk, and feel the cooling breeze
Before they're just forgotten memories

author - Brad Roberts
From the CTD album Songs of the Unforgiven

It's from his apocalypse album written after 9-11 (he lives in Harlem, NYC)
It's a reminder to enjoy the beautiful things now as they will not always last.
I actually want this to be played if I'm ever married, it's the ultimate love song to me.

(Click on the title of this post to go to a site where you can listen to it.)

...........................................

In a world and culture obsessed with linear timelines, with how our pasts define us and how to plan for a future which is very uncertain at best - I stand with the rare few who strive to live for right now. I make some plans for near future events (like buying event tickets or plane tickets, etc.) but for the most part I try to live to enjoy what I'm doing right now.

In romance there is no exception, all things come to pass - so why not enjoy what's going on Right Now and stop worrying about where things are going or what's going to happen tomorrow? There are not too many people in this world who can even comprehend how to do this, who fret and worry and run away in fear of how intense this One Moment is. They worry about whether or not they can handle it in the long run, about getting hurt, about so many little things which do not exist in the moment.

Why bring up things which don't exist in the moment? Why not relax and just Enjoy the moment, give it your all? The intensity of my enjoyment and happiness in the moment scares so many off. It brings me sadness, as the happiness of the moment is ruined and overshadowed by fear.

I want to be intense about the moment, I want to enjoy it to the fullest and not worry about where things are going. I want to laugh and sing and dance like a child with no cares. Why does this cause consternation with so many adults?

I love many, as there is boundless amounts of love in the universe to go around and I'm a part of the universe, so I have boundless amounts of love to share with everyone. Every person I have ever loved, I continue to love even when we separate on less than good terms. Love does not disappear because of disagreements or even deceit, it just doesn't work like that.

I can love someone and not want to be around them, love is universal, it encompasses All things.

ALL THINGS - good and bad and neutral.

As I remind myself over and over that we look for the divine all-encompassing love in a physical manifestation and that this is impossible for one person to be for another, I also hear that little voice of truth -

We Are the ultimate physical manifestations of love for ourselves. In order to share this divine love with others, we must first apply it to the self. It is nothing if we don't do this.

And so I go back to the promise to romance myself.
To enjoy the moment to the fullest and to allow myself to experience the intense joy of a child with abandon.
If I accept myself and stop cowering in fear and guilt about not being like others then I ruin the moment.

Intensity

There is a major problem I have in romance.

I am extremely intense, I believe in allowing myself to feel fully and openly, to be excited and to pursue those things which bring bliss into my life.

Many people are put off by this, especially in the dating world. It's very often equal to being psycho or wanting too much too soon, when in reality it's just the way I am with or without expectations. I get excited about good things and people being in my life.

I hope one day to find someone who is accepting of my intensity and actually finds it a turn-on. Someone who is gladdened that I am excited to be in their presence and feels the admiration I pour forth without trying to make it into something negative.

I'm a melodramatic soul, you could point to the fact that I'm an Aries and this is part and parcel with being under that sign. It's being excited in a childlike way and nothing is more disappointing than someone telling you that it's a fault not a virtuous part of your personality.

Since when is being childlike in excitement, enthusiasm and intensity a bad thing? It doesn't mean I'm immature, just that the wonders of the universe titillate me to no end and I gaze on it all as a child would. My friends and family understand this about me and many have called it part of my charm.

Maybe one day I'll find a romantic interest who sees me in the same way as they do.
I hope so.

What a relief

Writing out what's going on inside is always helpful for me. There's something cleansing about getting what's in my head out in writing.

There is a need to be surrounded by the people I love and yet I fight it. Even when I'm out and about, I tend to stick to a corner, watching everyone else interact. A big part of it is my inability to hold a conversation with people, at least a small talk one. When I'm around my good friends, there's always plenty to discuss, but then, they are my friends for plenty of reasons and having common interests is one of those.

Over the years I have tried to be outgoing, to meet new people, to engage in social banter. With the exception of interacting with those I've known for a long period of time, it doesn't work so well. Those who stick with me, accept my odd demeanor as just a part of who I am and either overlook my "foot-in-mouth" problem or make fun of me for it in a friendly way - these people end up being the ones I call family.

Mostly we're all geeks/dorks/nerds in some capacity or another. All of us find things interesting that the general public finds boring or incomprehensible. Like my obsession with world religions, Christian history and mythology. Not many people feel they have anything to add to that kind of conversation or hold to the ole "Religion is not a proper topic of conversation." If you are discussing it in an academic way, the only way it can get heated is if you disagree on the resources used for study. That can happen from time to time, but most scholarly types are willing to say "Look, what I've found contradicts what you are saying" and then they are urged to discuss their findings and the validity of the sources. When you are discussing historical things, there is always room for new findings which contradict old theories. It happens all the time.

Some archeologist finds something, they put the pieces they have together, along with what's been found in the past and the theories attached. They then take all of this information, with a little bit of free thinking to bring their findings under the current academic umbrella and postulate their own theories. These will either be along the same lines of other scholars or something new altogether.

When it's something new altogether - you better have something really, really good to back up your ideas. It turns the whole academic society on it's head and more experts in your specific field come out to see what it is you've discovered and how you came to your conclusions and hypothesis. If everyone agrees, then a new theory is accepted and old theories which are now considered contradicted by the new are reevaluated under the new dictations of the current findings.

See? Some people would eat all that up like candy and others would get glassy eyed and start drooling on themselves with boredom.

The biggest thing for me is to not be embarrased that this is how I work as an individual and stop hiding like a criminal for fear of causing people to become bored by my interests. Of course it would help me if I didn't start looking around and stop paying attention when people are talking to me about things I find abysmally boring, I could try to show some interest. It's difficult when people talk about mundane topics or something on the "what's currently popular" list.

Nothing bores me more than being stuck in a conversation about celebrities, tv shows and what's hot today. I don't watch tv, I could care less about 99.9% of the celebrities and I Really don't care about current fads. I like being me, I like my hobbies, I like my personal style and none of that fits in with the status quo.

I am realizing that I attract a certain kind of person with my guilty outlook on life. That I bring in those who misuse, abuse and neglect me because that is what I've come to: 1. expect 2. believe I deserve 3. am comfortable with.

How can one be comfortable with being misused and abused? I have been treated poorly from day one, my folks (who are awesome now that we're all older) were parenting according to the ways they had been raised - only with trying not to repeat the more severe abuses that they endured. I can say my father never struck me in anger, he came close but he never followed through and the one time he almost did - neighbors heard us fighting, called my mother and told her to get home Right Now or else I'd end up in the hospital. Thankfully she worked only a 1/2 mile from our place and was there in no time flat. She averted my father as he was raising his fist to strike me where he had me cornered in my bedroom closet. That was the first time she came to my aid and told my father to make a decision - get his anger under control or leave us.

When this is what you know, then this is what you are comfortable with and when things aren't going in that direction, you sabotage to help it happen.

I crave attention, but when I get it I become disconcerted and wary. To many people have been nice to me, then turned around and tried to ruin my life. I mean that in a very literal sense. I've had every rumor there can be about a person, spread against me in various communities. I've had people plot against me and strike out for no reason I could ever find. Other than I had something they wanted, whether it be a possession, a job, a lover or just happiness.

Even to the point of writing anonymous letters to my employers telling them lies to try to get me fired. (By the way, sending a letter anonymously usually only makes people laugh and tell you about it. They are more suspicious of the person sending it than the person it's about.)

Why do people feel they need to do these things to me? I am not sure from their point of view. I tried to take it as karma being paid off, but now I'm thinking it's because I think so lowly of myself that I was inviting people to do their worst to me.

It's funny, that realization *just* came to me and it doesn't cause bad feelings like I thought it would. I want to start thinking better of myself and not cover up the ick with false pretenses.

So I want to set down some ground rules for myself.
1. I am not allowed to call myself: idiotic, stupid, retarded or any other synonym of those.
2. I Can do many things, it is time to focus on what I can do and become good at them.
3. I will put more forethought and action into improving my physical being.
4. I will start keeping my home clean and uncluttered, it help me stay focused.
5. I am stopping the procrastination, Right Now. It is time to realize my dreams.
6. I am starting the "I love me" at this instant and will continue to say and believe it.
7. I will allow people to tell me their truths and believe them without looking for the other shoe.

I have been fighting to get better, it is my self-destructive pattern coming into play once more. When this behavior is learned from an early age, one does not come to a point where you say "ah I'm over that now, I need not worry about it again." It takes years of practice and reminders to stay away from those negative behaviors, learning they are there and how to prevent them from demolishing your life is only the first two steps to stopping it - practice is the third and extremely important step. One must couple that with patience and nonjudgement when you backslide from time to time, it is a difficult thing to conquer after years of it being an intrinsic part of your life.

So, no more jumping to conclusions that people are out to harm me. It doesn't mean I have to trust 100% from the get-go, but I shouldn't be doing the extreme opposite from the start either.

I will remain open and honest with myself, even when coming across something that's hard to face and not the most positive of things. I will continue to apologize when I let my paranoia get the best of me and I try to fuck things up to prove how unworthy I am. This is a bad habit that brings nothing but misery and I want to stop it, starting now.

I am worthy of happiness and those things I want the most in my life. I am worthy of love and having people in my life who appreciate me for who I am all the way.

I must repeat this to myself often.

I am worthy of love and appreciation.
I am worthy of love and appreciation.
I am worthy of love and appreciation.

If anyone reads this, I urge you to say these things to yourself as well - we are all worthy of love and appreciation, no matter what.

A Reminder

We are all worthy of love, there is no need to prove anything.

What we strive for is romantic connection, a physical manifestation of the divine love which encompasses all.
This is impossible for a finite being to fulfill, no matter how hard we try to be the all for another, we are still holding onto trappings which do not allow for this to be realized.
Therefore, romantic love is another illusion - though the need to connect feels like it is tangible - we are already connected and have just had our backs turned for so long we have forgotten.

Bat Country

My demons have come out to play, swamping me like imaginary bats on the desert highway to Vegas.

There are patterns in my life:
People who demand my everything and then only give 1/4 of that back is a main one.
Men who aren't available and don't want kids, who then marry the next woman they sleep with and have children with them.
Cheating husbands with frigid wives who seek me out romantically.
Men who cling to me like a toddler to his mother's skirts and conversely treat me like their 19050s housewife.
Women who can't stand how I can be so fucking strong and end up being worse than an enemy by the end of the friendship.
Women who befriend me and ask for my all, but when I need a friend their boy toys and sex always come first.
Women who are close to me, then get angry over an imagined slight and seduce my beaus to them, get knocked up by my now ex and marry them - just to spite me.
People who abuse my good nature, want to help and availability to their own ends and then discard me when I start wanting my own projects to take a front seat.

Within all of this, there is one constant - me.
So I draw these kinds of people to me and I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of dealing with the assholes and the bigots and the insecure who need a mommy to make them feel better about themselves.
I'm tired of the prima donnas who insist on being first with everything and everyone.
I'm tired of watching people be nasty to each other behind backs and then sickening nice to each other's faces.
I'm tired of the lies and deceit.
I'm tired of being second.
I'm tired of not being able to be in one single Good relationship.
I'm tired of being me and so now it's time to be a new me.

How do I go about that?
Stop procrastinating for one and do the things I need to do to be the person I dream of.
Either that or perform my own Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
I have no real want to do Anything at the moment and yet I am restless to do something.
What that is, I have no idea.

So I'm going to give myself a break and stop feeling guilty for taking time off of life in general. I need this time to get myself together, to create a new Moon and something like this can't be rushed. I can take a vacation, a real one and understand that it is not a permanent thing.

I will not always look at my reflection and wonder what happened to the beautiful girl every man wanted. Eventually I will be happy with myself again. I feel like Samson at the moment, cut off all of my hair and my strength is gone, as well as my beauty according to my eyes. I am regretting cutting off my dreads, but regret doesn't improve anything and it keeps us looking at the wrong point in time - which is anywhere but right now.

I am going to turn off my romance switch for now and concentrate on romancing myself. On loving myself once more, I was doing really well there for a while - I can get back to that level and beyond, I just need to give myself a break.

The more pressure I put on myself to do things on my life's list, the more I procrastinate and feel poorly about all of it.

So it's time to take the pressure off and realize that taking care of myself should always be #1 on that list. If I don't do that, everything else is based on a fallacy.

Playing Hangman

There was a time, long ago, when I was left in my room for hours on end and told to "read my books and play with my toys." I was about 3.

So I read my books and I played with my toys and I taught myself how to read by the basics my parents taught me whenever they read to me. When you're left alone for hours every day and told you are not allowed out except for bathroom breaks until further notice, you figure out how to read those books on your own fairly quickly. If I was a smart kid it was because I was forced into developing as quickly as possible for my own sake, it's not my folks fault really - they were as much caught in poor circumstances as I was - but that's neither here nor there for this post.

In the process of learning how to read mostly on my own, I had to figure out how to pronounce difficult words on my own. This brought about the unfortunate side effect of me pronouncing quite a few words in my vocabulary in all the incorrect ways. Whenever someone corrected me for years, it caused me such embarrassment that I usually grumbled, scowled and turned away.

Once I figured out why this was happening (the being corrected on pronunciation often) and how long ago this little dictionary faux paus began - I relaxed.

I decided on a whim to put a hangman widget on my iGoogle profile, just something to do while pages are loading, etc. (see img below)

While playing it over the last week, off and on, I realized that I am increasing my vocabulary and am learning how to correctly enunciate words I'd always found hard to vocalize. (It has a link to a dictionary with audio pronunciations.)

So, even though I'm goofing off I'm still improving myself.
That's my favorite kind of game - where learning and fun go hand in hand.
I'm a geek, I know.

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Chapel Perilous

The Vertical Oracle card meaning the chapel perilous (pic posted on this blog above)

CHAPEL PERILOUS
the dangers of self-delusion

Mercury in Pisces or in the Twelfth House

Delusion Alert! Chapel Perilous is a tricky temple
where icons are confused for the deities they
represent. To the extent you’ve mistaken

your ideas for whatever realities they symbolize,
count yourself amongst the temporarily deluded. The
syringe symbolizes hardcore addiction to escapist
fantasies.

The shrouded figure depicts a hidden,
camouflaged ego. Is the diminutive woman transported
by a beautiful living butterfly or is she hanging onto
a dead wing? What is real and what’s illusion? Good
questions.

In its extreme, this image is symbolic of a
nonstop catastrophic romance with self-destruction.

This message will repeat until you get a grip.

Excruciating Change

*please remember these are My Opinions and not hard fact.

Change, most fear it and run from it as fast as possible, some accept it as a part of life and some welcome it with open arms.

I'm in the middle genre, with more of a leaning to the latter than the first way of viewing it.

Change isn't pretty or a comfortable thing to go through 99% of the time, it means drastic shifts in being, in subjective paradigms, in how we interact with the world and the entire universe. The one thing we cannot do with it is stop it from happening. Our bodies change over time, even if we keep the rest of our life on an even consistency - the same routine day in and day out for the entirety of our adult lives. As children and adolescents changes take up most of our time - there is no way to avoid them. As adults we are lulled into the idea that we are now done growing physically and so we can leave those torturous years of constant change behind us.

It is a fallacy to believe so and it is those who hold onto this idea the most who go through the "Mid-life Crisis" when they wake up one day, look in the mirror and no longer recognize the person staring back at them. The scramble to "find themselves again" starts.

There is no need to find oneself, we are always there completely - we just put on blinders to parts and pieces, especially those that have had to change to facilitate continued existence.

I have an advantage, I have had a hard time accepting the person in the mirror as who I am since the first time it dawned on me that this reflected being is what everyone else sees when they look at me. That happened around 4 or 5yrs old I think, but that's neither here nor there.
I simply have never, truly, believed what I see in the mirror. That is not how I look to me without the reflection, nor how I see me in my mind's eye. Possibly this is another sign that I am "crazy" - if it is I do not mind.

Changes can hit hard, they wake us up and drag us out of stagnation. They can make us see parts of ourselves which are downright ugly and force us to apologize for terrible behavior or else go back under the blinders once more.

I have been under a forced major overhaul these last two years. In the process, as more and more of the mud from my stagnate pond gets thrown out onto the banks, I have retreated into a deep and extremely dark depression. I have gone through major relationship problems, surgery, moving, losing many friends and family to death, stepping onto emotionally unstable ground with my teenaged child whom I gave up for adoption after she was born.

I have changed my career path focus 180 degrees and shut myself up like a hermit. I feel as if I have been slapped by my peers in my want to walk away from the community dream and I no longer want anything to do with that life, at all. People are amazed at my new views and wishes in regards to participating on any level in all of it. This is not the place for that and I refuse to say anything more against a group of people I still love dearly - even if we parted ways in less than favorable terms.

So now what? I am single, in a new home and neighborhood, carless, careerless, having had a benign tumor removed from my body, my hair all cut off and I isolate myself from the rest of the world almost completely.

I search for ways to improve my life, but I feel as though I am stuck in quicksand, with no real lifeline to pull myself back up by. I haven't been this close to suicide since I was a teen. My child was always the reason to pull me back long before I got that close.

People who seem closer to enlightenment have told me to let go, to think positive, to meditate, to do this or that, to not do this or that. That my bliss will come from following this path or that one. I let go of everything and found I had nothing to live for anymore, that wasn't exactly blissful. So I reached out and grabbed one of my support system, asked for reminders before I left this world completely.

That is not supposed to be the response to exercising proven methods towards bliss.
I went from "I want bliss, I will try this" face pointed towards optimism to looking around me and finding I am sitting in the front pew of the Chapel Perilious. The exact opposite from where I actually wanted to be.

Well Fuck, now what? It is said when you find yourself here, you must do away with your escapist delusions, face the things you fear the most and dive in further. It is symbolic of a
nonstop catastrophic romance with self-destruction. That this loop will continue until you get a grip.

I do have these problems and I want them to stop. People say to do something about it instead of whining. Well I faced the first hurdle - that I keep trying to escape into fantasy, I've turned my back on the thing I fear the most (my mental illness) and that I need to get a grip.

Talk about hard, when I read what it means to be in the Chapel Perilous I cried for a while, I didn't want to face that I am that far gone from my main raison detre - to be honest, open and willing to change for the better, with and for myself. I have become the exact opposite of my motto for life.

That, my dear readers, is a big slap in the face from the universe.

I want to love, to be open to what life has for me, to meet new people and do exciting things.
If I hole up in my home with my cat and fish, I am not doing any of that.
So I must face my fears, clean myself up and give life another try. At this point it is still like pulling teeth.

I walked away from one life without having anything concrete to move onto, I'm drifting and it's uncomfortable. I need to stop being lazy, grab the bull by the horns and start doing something with my life that's meaningful without depending on others to help me accomplish anything. Yet I also need to learn how to include others who want to be a part of it.

The right road is never easy, that doesn't mean one should give up though and I almost had.

It feels good to write, I'm glad I started this blog.

Intentions for this blog

I have many blogs, they say different things according to the group of people who read them. None of them are written without a particular audience in mind.

This is the blog for that and I think it's needed as much as possible.

I am not a happy sunshine person, I do not want anyone to make the mistake from reading one optimistic post that this is so and be disappointed when the next one is soaked in misery juice.

People insist these days that we must be optimistic at all times and push those darker parts of ourselves away, believing it damages us. I am of the mind that all things need an equal and opposite balance. That there must be paradox within all things in this universe - for one thing to be true then it's opposite exists as well, you cannot have one without the other.

I have been diagnosed with mental illnesses, a plethora of labels have been stuck on me over the years. I am starting to realize that it is simply the way of the age and that I am being labeled for being very different from the status quo.

I'm honest, I tell you how I feel and what's going on with me - what you do with it and how you subjectively interpret it is up to you and you alone. I have no control over it.

I am ordained as a 3rd degree Ecclectic Wiccan, specializing as a Dianic Priestess - though I am no man hater by a long shot nor a feminist of that flavor - I believe in being equally human, no matter what our reproductive parts are. I have also studied Druidism and Celtic Shamanism, some Hindu and Buddhist beliefs, some Tao. I have left off labeling my spiritual path and when asked say it is Paradoxical Nonconformity. I take what rings true for me and add it to my beliefs. I do not believe in forcing this down someone's throat and do not procelytize. Please respect me in the same manner. I do not appreciate being witnessed to by Christians, I can argue you into a corner using your own religion - my father is a Baptist minister and I was raised in the church.

I've studied world religions on my own time, world mythology and legendry, I have studied Christian History and done comparative studies between the major religions of the world.

This blog will be a mix of many things, whatever pours out of me during the writing process.
Much of it will be stream of consciousness, some in prose or poetic form.

You are welcome to write to me, add comments, ask questions, debate - whatever floats your boat. I must warn, I am practiced at being snarky towards flamers - years as a moderator, flame at your own risk. ;)

That is all for this introduction.

Dusty Sneezes and Pickle Juice,
Moon