The revolution of the mind and heart.

The human spirit responds to suffering.
It reaches out of it's darkness towards a light perceived even if not fully seen.
From our wet wombs of torture
Great works are born.
Scowl and cry, curse those who steal
and try to crush under their boots.
Only keep the reminder
Strength is a spiritual virtue
Under your pillow at night.
Let your fingerprints explore it in it's reverse braille.
We are entering a darker age
Fighting it as a Roman Lord swats at flies
While lying prone from overindulgence
In his vomitorium.
Those who have eyes and ears
With senses tuned to beyond the flesh
View from the Prophet's throne
Though their mouths move
The shouts of the blind, deaf and dumb
Drown their sound.
But not for long.
Hunger kills useless motion
And when the pitiable lie
Restless in their pain.
Twisting and turning as the surgeons
Remove their material limbs.
Then the tongues will wag on the ends of fingers
The paint will pour forth with teeth and crone's eyes.
The Prophet will be reality once more
Not just another commentary to be placed
In the files of fads.
All will remember what it means to be human,
That sharing is all there is,
Nothing more
Nothing less.
Then shall we reach up to the fire of the Muse
and cleanse ourselves in agony of Truth.
Raise our arms in celebration
And say
Without the Dark we cannot know what light is.
We lost our way in the grey
Only in being struck blind
Can we see.
Take these senses from me
They are useless
Create for me anew
Create for you anew
Create for us anew
This is the only way to evolution.
The revolution of the mind and heart.

RMRF 12.08

I left my <3 in Denver

I've been on vacation for a week in San Francisco - Berkeley to be exact and running all over the Bay Area the entire time. I go home in two days and I am so ready for it, I want to cry.

I have been crying, a lot. Every day I've been here I've cried.
I've felt lonely, lost and completely overwhelmed the whole trip. I came out to see a friend who doesn't seem to think too much of me any longer. I have to repeat myself many times in order for anything I say to sink in, he's made plans which exclude me altogether and hasn't really paid all that much attention to me.

It's the same old, same old with how many friends treat me and I'm wondering if he's been like this all along and I'm just noticing it or if this is new and I did something to offend him? I don't know truthfully but as I'm sitting here, hungry, with no food in the house and no way to get any - I'm thinking I'm not coming back again next year (delivery is too expensive, i have no car, there's no place I can walk to fast enough in the cold and rain - he's out at a fancy dinner right now in the city with his work. Is it just me or would you say "sorry, I have an out of town guest at home alone tonight."??)

I really want to be home already, at least if I'm hungry there it's my own freaking fault 100%. And I tried to call for pizza delivery, but they asked me questions that I could not answer and they must have thought it was a prank because they hung up on me. :(

This is not a happy vacation for the most part. Little bits here and there were ok, but for the most part I've been ignored, stressed out and treated like a 5th wheel the entire time.

Painful root removal

I was prompted by M reading my Background to go back and reread what I wrote.

My life seems like it is a soap opera, I'm so dramatic about everything and yet I don't say anything but the truth. Who needs lies when the truth is so much more fantastic?

I have lived a very hard life, not as hard as others granted - but still pretty sad, hurtful and angry. I learned that anger and spite are the ways to survive, I did not learn what love really means until my 30s. I did not experience the fullness nor unconditioned type of love until my 30s. I was taught that love is conditional, you must act perfect, look perfect, be as close to the model of perfection in order for anyone to love you.

What is the result of this in my love life?

I have had one beatdown after another with men.
So many just used me to feel better about themselves, to feel superior and worthwhile. None of them ever gave back in any way but money and gifts. Those who did not treat me this way, treated me like some queen who is so far above them there was no equal connection and that is almost worst.

So many have pulled me along on their games, lied to me, cheated on me, promised me the world while actually giving their worlds to someone else, kept me on the wire of "I don't know" as long as they could and once they felt they had to do something - always ran away.

I'm told this is them, not me. Yet there is this part of me which sees others, sees people who say all the things I've been told "I'm not ready. I don't want. I'm not in the right place." and as soon as that right person comes along - all these excuses disappear never to be seen again. So it is at least partially me, not just you - you fucking assholes.

So to have every man I've ever loved or cared greatly about do this to me, over and over and over again - it wears on you. You come to expect it and you desecrate anything which might not turn out that way. The pattern is the comfort.

I hate this pattern. I loathe it. I wish it was a physical object so that I could shoot it repeatedly until there is nothing recognizable left about it. Because it physically HURTS and it paralyzes me completely, I try to be different - I try to think positive thoughts, I try to believe This Time - it will not happen that way!

But it always does. It always does and it's enough to make me want to give up altogether. To say Fuck you, I obviously don't belong here and juct check out. Because I'll never be good enough and if that is so, then why am I fucking here? To be a blessing to other people and live a miserable life of my own???

Well Fuck You! I don't want to be your fucking Jiminy Cricket, your gift, your support beam, your mother, your friend, your second choice, your closet skeleton, your rebound...

I want to be ME, I want to be an equal participant and equally chosen!

I don't want to be the only one who's not afraid to try new things or to change or to take risks.
I don't want to be the cheerleader who gets taken for granted and patted on the head in return.
I don't want to be the mom or best friend who gets all the intimacy but none of the romance.
I don't want to be your buddy, your sister, your pal, your ma.

I'm done with all of that.

I deserve to be loved and accepted 100% for who I am in full.
I deserve to be found attractive, sexy, beautiful - both on the inside and the out.
I deserve to be treated equally.
I deserve to be considered a good partner, not just a time filler.
I deserve what I've always wanted in this life - a companion who is my equal and equally wants me as their companion.

I don't ask for marriage or children or financial security or any of the things people usually get together for.

I just want a best friend who is also my lover, someone to share my life with and who wants to share their life with me. Just share it, it doesn't have to mean one way of life is dead for anyone. Like you have to give up something of yourself to be a part of it.

Even my best friends leave me out of the loop and don't share in the way I'd really like. I try not to think about it, makes me cry every fucking time. It's not like I'm asking for something impossible - they do it with each other, share in that super intimate daily way - maybe if I had a friend who actually was like that with me, I wouldn't think that having a romantic companion is so important.

Then again, maybe I'm just a terrible friend and nobody feels it's worth trying to be that close to me. I'm left behind and forgotten so often I stopped asking "What's up?" I don't live a life like everyone else around me. Maybe I just don't live at all.

And if I'm not really living, then why am I alive?

I'm pulling up the evil roots of my childhood, they have been rotten since they first took root.
I have to be more than I am now, I have to stop believing that I'm a terrible person, that I'm not worthy of anything.

I am a good person and I am worthy of everything.
I am worthy of having an equal companion who wants to be with me just as much as I, him.
I am worth stepping away from fears and running headlong into the unknown with.

I am worth way more than I'm given credit for.

To all those who used me and threw me away like garbage - I hope your karma bites you on the ass 10x's over and that's a witch's hope there.

I put my whole heart and soul into those I love, there is no hidden agenda or feelings, I don't backstab or play pretend with feelings. What you see is what you get.

I put my all into those I care about and people don't want it - they treat it like a disease. To have someone genuinely care about you and want the best for you - why is that a horrible thing? Because most don't know how or want to give it back?? Because people think it's too hard and risky to do so? But if we all did that, there would no longer be a risk, it would be the easiest thing in the world. To just care 100%.

Don't take my love for granted, see it for what it is and either accept it or walk away. Taking advantage of it just taints it.

I am currently head-over-heels for a man in my life, I am caring 100% even though I know the fear is there and that he might run away too. I have to, otherwise I'm not being true to myself - so how do I care in such an open and honest way without fear of him bolting? How do I discard these destroying negative fears within myself? How do I believe that I'm worthy of receiving the same amount of caring back?

How do I stop becoming such a crazy person about all of this and learn to just let things be?

I'm tired of being so very alone.
Please, Universe, God/dess, Great Spirit - whoever is listening, please - I've done my time alone, I don't want it anymore. Even if it's not for the rest of my life, right now - I want and need a companion. I want someone who can accept my love, really accept it and be glad to be within it's full bloom.
I'm not afraid of the single life, I'm just very tired of it and I want to not be here anymore.