The revolution of the mind and heart.

The human spirit responds to suffering.
It reaches out of it's darkness towards a light perceived even if not fully seen.
From our wet wombs of torture
Great works are born.
Scowl and cry, curse those who steal
and try to crush under their boots.
Only keep the reminder
Strength is a spiritual virtue
Under your pillow at night.
Let your fingerprints explore it in it's reverse braille.
We are entering a darker age
Fighting it as a Roman Lord swats at flies
While lying prone from overindulgence
In his vomitorium.
Those who have eyes and ears
With senses tuned to beyond the flesh
View from the Prophet's throne
Though their mouths move
The shouts of the blind, deaf and dumb
Drown their sound.
But not for long.
Hunger kills useless motion
And when the pitiable lie
Restless in their pain.
Twisting and turning as the surgeons
Remove their material limbs.
Then the tongues will wag on the ends of fingers
The paint will pour forth with teeth and crone's eyes.
The Prophet will be reality once more
Not just another commentary to be placed
In the files of fads.
All will remember what it means to be human,
That sharing is all there is,
Nothing more
Nothing less.
Then shall we reach up to the fire of the Muse
and cleanse ourselves in agony of Truth.
Raise our arms in celebration
And say
Without the Dark we cannot know what light is.
We lost our way in the grey
Only in being struck blind
Can we see.
Take these senses from me
They are useless
Create for me anew
Create for you anew
Create for us anew
This is the only way to evolution.
The revolution of the mind and heart.

RMRF 12.08

I left my <3 in Denver

I've been on vacation for a week in San Francisco - Berkeley to be exact and running all over the Bay Area the entire time. I go home in two days and I am so ready for it, I want to cry.

I have been crying, a lot. Every day I've been here I've cried.
I've felt lonely, lost and completely overwhelmed the whole trip. I came out to see a friend who doesn't seem to think too much of me any longer. I have to repeat myself many times in order for anything I say to sink in, he's made plans which exclude me altogether and hasn't really paid all that much attention to me.

It's the same old, same old with how many friends treat me and I'm wondering if he's been like this all along and I'm just noticing it or if this is new and I did something to offend him? I don't know truthfully but as I'm sitting here, hungry, with no food in the house and no way to get any - I'm thinking I'm not coming back again next year (delivery is too expensive, i have no car, there's no place I can walk to fast enough in the cold and rain - he's out at a fancy dinner right now in the city with his work. Is it just me or would you say "sorry, I have an out of town guest at home alone tonight."??)

I really want to be home already, at least if I'm hungry there it's my own freaking fault 100%. And I tried to call for pizza delivery, but they asked me questions that I could not answer and they must have thought it was a prank because they hung up on me. :(

This is not a happy vacation for the most part. Little bits here and there were ok, but for the most part I've been ignored, stressed out and treated like a 5th wheel the entire time.

Painful root removal

I was prompted by M reading my Background to go back and reread what I wrote.

My life seems like it is a soap opera, I'm so dramatic about everything and yet I don't say anything but the truth. Who needs lies when the truth is so much more fantastic?

I have lived a very hard life, not as hard as others granted - but still pretty sad, hurtful and angry. I learned that anger and spite are the ways to survive, I did not learn what love really means until my 30s. I did not experience the fullness nor unconditioned type of love until my 30s. I was taught that love is conditional, you must act perfect, look perfect, be as close to the model of perfection in order for anyone to love you.

What is the result of this in my love life?

I have had one beatdown after another with men.
So many just used me to feel better about themselves, to feel superior and worthwhile. None of them ever gave back in any way but money and gifts. Those who did not treat me this way, treated me like some queen who is so far above them there was no equal connection and that is almost worst.

So many have pulled me along on their games, lied to me, cheated on me, promised me the world while actually giving their worlds to someone else, kept me on the wire of "I don't know" as long as they could and once they felt they had to do something - always ran away.

I'm told this is them, not me. Yet there is this part of me which sees others, sees people who say all the things I've been told "I'm not ready. I don't want. I'm not in the right place." and as soon as that right person comes along - all these excuses disappear never to be seen again. So it is at least partially me, not just you - you fucking assholes.

So to have every man I've ever loved or cared greatly about do this to me, over and over and over again - it wears on you. You come to expect it and you desecrate anything which might not turn out that way. The pattern is the comfort.

I hate this pattern. I loathe it. I wish it was a physical object so that I could shoot it repeatedly until there is nothing recognizable left about it. Because it physically HURTS and it paralyzes me completely, I try to be different - I try to think positive thoughts, I try to believe This Time - it will not happen that way!

But it always does. It always does and it's enough to make me want to give up altogether. To say Fuck you, I obviously don't belong here and juct check out. Because I'll never be good enough and if that is so, then why am I fucking here? To be a blessing to other people and live a miserable life of my own???

Well Fuck You! I don't want to be your fucking Jiminy Cricket, your gift, your support beam, your mother, your friend, your second choice, your closet skeleton, your rebound...

I want to be ME, I want to be an equal participant and equally chosen!

I don't want to be the only one who's not afraid to try new things or to change or to take risks.
I don't want to be the cheerleader who gets taken for granted and patted on the head in return.
I don't want to be the mom or best friend who gets all the intimacy but none of the romance.
I don't want to be your buddy, your sister, your pal, your ma.

I'm done with all of that.

I deserve to be loved and accepted 100% for who I am in full.
I deserve to be found attractive, sexy, beautiful - both on the inside and the out.
I deserve to be treated equally.
I deserve to be considered a good partner, not just a time filler.
I deserve what I've always wanted in this life - a companion who is my equal and equally wants me as their companion.

I don't ask for marriage or children or financial security or any of the things people usually get together for.

I just want a best friend who is also my lover, someone to share my life with and who wants to share their life with me. Just share it, it doesn't have to mean one way of life is dead for anyone. Like you have to give up something of yourself to be a part of it.

Even my best friends leave me out of the loop and don't share in the way I'd really like. I try not to think about it, makes me cry every fucking time. It's not like I'm asking for something impossible - they do it with each other, share in that super intimate daily way - maybe if I had a friend who actually was like that with me, I wouldn't think that having a romantic companion is so important.

Then again, maybe I'm just a terrible friend and nobody feels it's worth trying to be that close to me. I'm left behind and forgotten so often I stopped asking "What's up?" I don't live a life like everyone else around me. Maybe I just don't live at all.

And if I'm not really living, then why am I alive?

I'm pulling up the evil roots of my childhood, they have been rotten since they first took root.
I have to be more than I am now, I have to stop believing that I'm a terrible person, that I'm not worthy of anything.

I am a good person and I am worthy of everything.
I am worthy of having an equal companion who wants to be with me just as much as I, him.
I am worth stepping away from fears and running headlong into the unknown with.

I am worth way more than I'm given credit for.

To all those who used me and threw me away like garbage - I hope your karma bites you on the ass 10x's over and that's a witch's hope there.

I put my whole heart and soul into those I love, there is no hidden agenda or feelings, I don't backstab or play pretend with feelings. What you see is what you get.

I put my all into those I care about and people don't want it - they treat it like a disease. To have someone genuinely care about you and want the best for you - why is that a horrible thing? Because most don't know how or want to give it back?? Because people think it's too hard and risky to do so? But if we all did that, there would no longer be a risk, it would be the easiest thing in the world. To just care 100%.

Don't take my love for granted, see it for what it is and either accept it or walk away. Taking advantage of it just taints it.

I am currently head-over-heels for a man in my life, I am caring 100% even though I know the fear is there and that he might run away too. I have to, otherwise I'm not being true to myself - so how do I care in such an open and honest way without fear of him bolting? How do I discard these destroying negative fears within myself? How do I believe that I'm worthy of receiving the same amount of caring back?

How do I stop becoming such a crazy person about all of this and learn to just let things be?

I'm tired of being so very alone.
Please, Universe, God/dess, Great Spirit - whoever is listening, please - I've done my time alone, I don't want it anymore. Even if it's not for the rest of my life, right now - I want and need a companion. I want someone who can accept my love, really accept it and be glad to be within it's full bloom.
I'm not afraid of the single life, I'm just very tired of it and I want to not be here anymore.

After a short break...

I may have to take a break from writing as much for a week or so. I’m in the midst of trying to stop smoking - after being an avid one for 20+ years. Writing and smoking go hand in hand for me, it’s hard to even write this without wanting to light up. So here’s a quote showing how I feel about life in general.

"The word 'happiness' would lose all its meaning, if it were not balanced by sadness." ~ Carl Jung

Glee!

Now that the Muse has released her grip...

I am so freaking happy!

I want to express it, somehow - someway. But I can't place a finger on one thing or another.

Spending an evening with just M, curled up on the couch and laughing at Robot Chicken is one.
Painting again after not feeling the least inclination to do so for two weeks is another.
(I need to go get more white paint...)
Having a vehicle so that I no longer feel pinned here is another. (Though I still won't be going out constantly. I am a bit of a hermit naturally, it's not just circumstances which keep me home.)
Writing and reading almost non-stop is bliss to me.

I cannot stand to sit still and do nothing (unless I'm meditating - but that is Still doing Something.)

I am feeling mischevious and bouncy. I want to tackle M and have a tickle fight. I want to paint non-stop all night. I want to write pages and pages, I want to read book after book. I want to laugh and sing and enjoy the company of my friends.

I am in love with my life, I can and am doing all of these things.

Awakener

Not sure why I'm writing, I just have the urge to write and if I ignore the Muse on my shoulder then I am lost.

I am happy today, exceedingly happy. Within my personal daily life, I have little to be upset or sad about. Sure I'm not rich, everything I own is second hand, according to the strictures of my society I am in poverty and should be downcast appropriately.

What is poverty? The lack of money, of material things, of a house, two cars, a spouse and 2.5 children? I say poverty is blindness, the inability to see past all of the shit people accumulate in their lives to fill the hole of sadness, emptiness and loneliness which gapes inside them. I say poverty is when you are poor in heart and spirit. When there is no real meaning to your life, you just work for the money to keep your toys and pour the numbing drugs down your throat.

I don't care what people do for a living, what they own, how they dress, how they vote - I can about whether or not they are genuine to themselves, whether or not they can treat someone who seems different as an equal, whether or not they can push past all the crap and be real.

My dearest friends are very real, they accept the realness of others - they do not push away when things aren't going peachy, they don't say "You are acting inappropriately." When one allows their real emotions to show - instead they go right along with it.

Richness is flowing like water, taking everything there is in life and going with it, learning from it, improving your insides with it. It's pushing to clear stagnant waters, to leap and play and grab the hands around you saying "Come on! Let's laugh and sing! Who cares if you can't carry a tune."

The hard part is when the status quo pushes down and says "This is not appropriate." When you find yourself cornered by those who try to pour you into the mold of normality. What is normal anyway? Is it being cookie cutter or just being naturally you? I don't want to be an ant, mindlessly working to uphold the structure - I want to push the structure down and say "There's so much more around us! Look! LOOK!"

For this many turn their backs to me and try to exile me, say that I'm crazy and a danger to society. Some might even call me a terrorist, but I'm not into terrorizing people - I just want them to wake up and see where the real horrors are coming from. But now, awakening = terrifying and if you try to get people to wake up and stand beside you, insisting that everything needs to be changed - you are the enemy of the state.

So many refuse to see our current conditions as being the beginnings of a police state or a recession going into depression or being completely weakened and compromised - we've been pimped out by our President and instead of saying "NO!" we put our pillows back over our faces and hide from the shame which should be burning within us. We aren't a nation, we're the Whore of Babylon. We are fleshy and weak, overly decadent and bourgeois. Most of this country's citizens are NOT contributing members. What do we work for? To keep our toys running and our corporate slave collars sparkly and new?

This is a consumer nation, not a participatory one. Most could care less about participating in making anything better, they'd prefer to sit behind their computers and speculate. I've tried so many ways and times to get people excited about forcing changes - no body wants to be bothered. We have been lulled by fear into thinking that there's no way to make the changes needed, that we need the protection of our government.

People - We ARE Our Government!! Without us, they don't exist as anything other than a tyranny. Are we the subjects of tyrants or are we a democracy? It is within the raising of our voices, in the standing up and saying "NO!" which makes us a democracy. We have ultimate say, yet we have been lulled into letting others make our decisions for us and because we have our toys we keep the blinders on saying "But I've got more than you, that makes me right."

Since when does having more make someone right? That just means you can overpower someone and enslave them more easily. What part of enslavement and power equals freedom, liberty and equality??

We are so lost as a species. We fight over nothing, we cannot see past our imaginary lines to the reality outside our glass houses and people cheer when those with truth on their tongues are beaten down. When will we learn?

I am happy in my personal life - in viewing the world and humanity in general I am sad.
How does one balance that? What must I do to bring the circle into fullness?

Slowly shifting forward

Today was a difficult day to say the least. I was faced with that which I am almost retarded against. Red tape bureaucracy, both governmental and corporate. The Dept. of Motor Vehicles (DMV) and my old Auto Insurance Company.

I get so angry and shocked by how horribly people in these industries treat others, I lose it and can no longer focus at all. I go from being intellectually appalled to a babbling, stuttering, hysterical fool in T-. Almost literally, it drives me insane, because in order for me not to get in trouble with Ceasar - I have to play this games, even though I know they are 100% Grade A(sshole) Bullshit.

I use the social systems because I have a skewed philosophy - I don't believe in the value of our money. I think it, credit and the entire financial institution system of the US are all fallacies. I think we should have to do away with the use of it, find a better way which puts the possibilities in the hands of all once again. Since I'm considered a citizen who cannot be placed in any nitch within the workers system, I'm paid to stay out of it. Literally, that was what the deciding judge said. So I use the money and the systems to survive, but it's like robbing Peter to pay Peter. Paul doesn't even enter into the equation, unless you have something to trade, like a skill or a handcrafted item. But that's community, not nation. And as a US "orphan" - I use the money and the time given me by Peter, to make and do things for Paul, though I'm still paying Peter back most of it anyway. To utilities, housing, food - the survival stuff, but the good stuff definitely is a swap with Paul anyday.

AnyWhoo. I was ping ponged back and forth between gov't and corporate for 4+ hrs today, just on the phone. It is still unresolved, but they had to go home after dealing with me all day at about 5pm. The Insurance Company is jerkin my chain so hard, the DMV lady felt bad for me and is supposedly going to bat with the Company herself to get the information I tried 3 times to get myself.

I started out with my tantrum, I was livid - I have been shafted, hardcore by certain Insurance people who didn't do their jobs and refuse to take responsibility for it. I lost my driver's license because of it - however, I lost it in Janurary and am just today finding out about it. Because nobody told me and my insurance agent didn't do their job. I paid for insurance that didn't count for ANYTHING for 8 months. Over $560 worth of useless insurance because they failed to inform the DMV I still had my court-ordered insurance and nobody told me, I didn't get a final "You're license is suspended" letter or anything. It happens, the mail sucks.

But as I went back and forth like Pong between the two places, I calmed. I pushed through the confusion, I regained my focus and I got things accomplished.

I got insurance on my car, so that no matter what I'm not driving uninsured. (I bought a car, by the way. lol) I got the lady at the DMV to go to bat for me and help me in a situation I cannot conquer myself. Tomorrow I go get emissions and temp tags, hopefully I wrap up the DL thing as well. I'm crossing my fingers that it all works out in my favor.

This is a first for me, usually I have total meltdown and lose everything in the process.
I'm proud of myself for calming and making the first step towards being able to function without losing it at all.

Life training

This one will be short, I'm excessively tired.

All we experience in life trains us, equips us to handle anything that comes our way a little better each time.

I think of it as, there is something(s) I am supposed to do with this life, if I don't have the experience I need to know how to accomplish it/them correctly, then I will not be able to do what it is I am ultimately here for or at least not very effectively. (I think I chose my path before I animated this shell, maybe it's just easier to cope with than Divine Will or Destiny or Fate.)

I think that we must go through both good and bad things, to show us where our boundaries need to be, to show us our strengths, skills, talents and our weaknesses, inabilities, fears. We must learn new ways of being before we are able to understand what kind of personal mountain we are attempting to climb.

Just as someone who is an actual mountaineer must train themselves and learn a lot through experience before attempting Mt. Everest. Or an athlete can go to the Olympics.

Whatever your personal goals are, you must train and get experience before realizing them. I think this goes for anything in your life which comes with difficulty.

Example: (Since half of my friends and I are single with dating issues.) Instead of looking at every failed relationship you have endured as proof that you should be alone and cannot be in a successful one - instead, look at it as training and experience for when the person who will suit you the best comes along. Maybe you both have habits which are not usually conducive to a healthy relationship, however, in the experiences you learn through, you are able to change the destructive patterns and become better equipped to accept faults in others, or if not accept fully, at least know how to work with them.

If you looked at the pattern of what was the common denominator among all of your past lovers, what would it be? It's the thing that attracts you the most, so, if it's not normally considered a positive characteristic to be attracted to - does that mean that it is Always a negative one? Or is it just nasty when displayed in extremes?

I tend to choose those who are unavailable or very withdrawn and silent. I know why I am attracted to this, it's absurdly obvious - but I don't always see the signs until I have allowed my emotions to commit. I've even thought in the past "This one is totally available, no way I've picked another one." Only to be smacked in the head with their special brand of it.

However, I am really all that available? No, not really, I'm a self-proclaimed misanthrope after all, one is normally silent in big groups and has problems being in the outside world. So I am attracted to those who are like me because it is comfortable, but it hasn't worked because I habitually have picked those who not only don't like interacting with the world at large - they also don't want to interact with me that much either.

Does this mean I give up? Nope, it means I learn the lessons, pick myself up, brush myself off and say, now I know something new. Eventually all of the experiences will help me to see and accept the person who wants the same back from me. Possibly this has already happened, possibly not. Either way, I'm still learning, training, becoming more equipped to face and achieve my life in the best way I can.

I am slowly accepting myself and I like me, there's some things which still need a lot of change and growth - but I hope to be able to say this until the day I die. Accepting the negative experiences as necessary for learning how to not just survive but thrive is an integral part of my growth, how about you?

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My Silent Irony

I prefer silence in my home when I'm alone, no music, no tv - just the hums and clicks of the place, the cat talking to me, the occasional *bloop* as the fish does flips out of the top of the water.

I am the silent one when we're all out and about, I sit and listen, I don't contribute much to conversations - usually back in the shadows watching people. Not good at small talk, so I found that being a listener is almost as good (except with people expect me to take a fuller part in their dialog and turn it into a conversation... 9 times out of 10 I ruin it with some oddball comment, they look at me weird and excuse themselves from my company as quickly as possible.)

Hence I prefer the company of other quiet ones, silence doesn't really bother people like us. It's a comfort thing, to have someone there and not Need to constantly talk. Sometimes I babble when others are at my place and it's just the two of us, because I talk outloud to Faust while I'm cooking or housecleaning - it's an old habit from the days of Donovan. When you're a hermit, sometimes even hearing your own voice relieves heavy feelings of aloneness.

It's kind of redundant to say that my conversational skills when it comes to mundane things are not very good at all.

But I have a fear of silence from others. I have been put into the hole of silence so many times, overlooked and ignored, left behind with no word of farewell, no closure, no indication of why they walked away. My last big love did this to me in 07, the last thing I heard from him was "give me a few days, I'll call you and we can talk about all this."

Then the silence began and stretched into eternity. I'm still trying to shake the sorrowful blanket his silence wrapped around me and held me so fiercely in it's clutches. I almost went insane in the beginning, wanting to say goodbye or why or I'm sorry or AnyThing. But all I got was more silence every time I tried. So I turned off my head and buried myself in my sorrow, the year of death was hard - an underlying constant drag of claws across my gut in the midst of this encompassing silence. (The year of death refers to the 18 months where 10 people in my life died between 06 and 07.)

I am trying to get past this, I really, really am trying the hardest to get past this. It's a patten that breaks my heart repeatedly ad nauseum. I was left in silence in my bedroom for hours at a time as a toddler and child, I was treated to silence by friends and loved ones my whole life. So what is it about me that causes people to walk away without a word, to wrap me in their silences as a punishment and to exile me as often as possible?

It's one of the reasons I became a hermit, since people placed me in that position so often I just grew used to it and am most comfortable staying away from most of the human race. The masses are evil and selfish and immature and deceptive and conniving. I maybe selfish and immature from time to time, but I'm pretty straight forward, kind and open. People take advantage of this, calling it gullibility or naivite, thinking I'm too dumb to see when they are trying to con me. It's usually when I've had enough and call people on their bullshit ways that those disappear. (Though to those I say good riddance!)

But when I'm allowing someone to see the real me and They disappear into silence, it panics me. It makes me wonder if I'm really a horrible person and I've just been blinding myself to it. Thinking I'm good and just misunderstood, but in all reality I'm a terrible person who doesn't deserve the respect of a goodbye.

There are so many equations into any situation, I know that this is mostly just crap out of my head from years of conditioning by truly bad people in this world.

I'm persistant and excitable when I meet really cool people I can actually, really connect with. I wish this part of me didn't cause people to flee, leaving me wondering what the hell happened and sad that yet another person couldn't find it in themself to like ALL of me.

My closest friends accept me 100%, that's why they are allowed into my life all the way. I can be my usual oddball self, with my fits and paranoia and moments of surprise bliss which cause me to rejoice like a 5 yr old on Christmas morning. Those who can't deal with All of me, fairweather folk - they can stick it where the sun don't shine and use a tree sapling as the stick.

Danger, Will Robinson!

Brain is shorting out, I feel like I'm drowning and it's stupid.

I'm allowing the talk of my friends to get to me, make me wonder if I'm missing something and just being purposefully blind to make things easier on me. I admit that I initiated some of the conversations, but those were with my closest girlfriends who know what I'm like. To have male friends initiate conversations on my relationship with M, very suddenly at the club and tell me "You can disclaim all you want, but it sounds like you two are dating to me." THAT's what messed me up. Guy friends just don't do that.

And why, oh why are all of our friends suddenly so excited about it? When we keep saying that we're not dating, not fooling around - they get even more excited and excitable about us. Emotions range from jealousy to ecstatic glee and I am getting more input than ever on how to proceed. What if I don't want to "proceed", what if I'm fucking scared shitless about messing up an amazing friendship in the name of social expectations?

See, this is why my happiness pops like a soap bubble. I can't leave well enough alone, I listen to others and get all worked up, I suppress it in order to not mess things up like usual and then "Wham!" it all hits me at once and I fuck everything up anyway.

For once, I don't want to do this. For once, I'm willing to go whatever pace is needed with no expectations of anything further, other than a closer friendship.

Then there's the unasked for advice from another guy friend, that we're both just so scared of messing it up that we're blocking something amazing.

Aargh! Stop it! I want to be happy and if it means staying in the current configuration then why does it have to be more?

*banging head against desk*

I'm just so excited to have a guy in my life whom I get along with so well and enjoy so much, I'm beyond freaked that I'm going to scare him away - even as just a friend. I'm such a weirdo, I'm so uptight and in my head, I blather about meaningless shit because I'm still frightened of the reactions to my real voice. I still have a hard time believing anyone in this world would actually want to be with the real me, not just hang out from time to time - but be able to be around me on a regular basis.
Nobody has so far, not friends, not family, not lovers. I'm good in small doses it seems, which means no real companionship.

That's what I'm so happy about, that for once someone seems to be ok with being around me for long periods and doesn't get upset or freaked out nor runs away in terror. So many times I've been told that I'm too much, that I'm just not good enough and pushed away completely. Too many times I've been stabbed in the back and exiled. Too many judgements rained upon my head and I believed them for so long.

I'm new at this whole not feeling guilty about being me, a few slips are bound to happen. It just sucks when it does, big donkey style with a gag reflex.

Love isn't the true hell, it's the uncertainty of whether the other person is on the same page as you and the torture gets worse when you find out they aren't. So the usual survival mode is to just brush it all off as not needing to be on any page at all and putting up a few walls. Maybe decorate them with huge, heavy tapestries showing previous battles as reminders of why they are needed.

I've been trying to let go of that idea - of finding love with just one person. That love is meant to be shared openly with all and received in the same way - not just pegged to one person's chest cavity. Why is it so hard to let go of? It's ingrained in most of our heads from an early age, you aren't really a full member of society until someone claims you as their own and sticks a ring on your finger (or let's you stick one on theirs.) It's considered a right of passage into adulthood. Those who don't marry or at least settle down with one person are considered immature or there's something Very wrong with them.

Why?!? I'm trying not to be a mess, I don't think there's something terribly wrong with me. Just a little neurosis from time to time, mixed liberally with paranoia. But when you've had as many people do nasty shit to you with a smile on their faces as I have, paranoia comes with the territory.

I don't want to be paranoid anymore!! I want to trust people to be who they say they are (as much as they have figured out at least) and to not feel like I have to watch people like a hawk to make sure they aren't just fucking with me or plotting against me or planning to use me as a scapegoat. I'm not a conspiracy nut, the FBI are not after me - but I've had so called friends butter me up to find the best way to hurt me and then stab me where it counts as hard as possible. They even admitted as much themselves to me afterward in spiteful words.

How do I get past these wounds and try to trust again? I used to trust 110%, my Dad would say. Now it's barely 50%, even with close friends and family. Maybe it's time to let go of the wall and be honest with myself, to stop fighting the excitement of my friends and their words.

Even if it means that all of my current joyful experiences disappear, I know that I am able to be happy and relaxed in the company of someone I like a lot. Gods this is like pulling teeth!

Look, I don't know if I can go on with this in such a round about way, especially since he reads this from time to time. I'm writing you, M, a letter right now.

...
an while later.

I can't believe I wrote that! Holy cow! I reserve the right to remain silent on the contents of it until further notice.

It's nervewracking and exhilarating at the same time. This is who I am, this is what I do - I am hopeless romantic of the literary sort. I write. A lot. I want to write letters to those I fancy and get sappy poetic. (I don't think I did that with this one though... more like Eeek! *blush,blush,blush* I can't believe I'm writing this!!) Instead of visions of the perfect American wedding, it's more visions of Victorian Era Russians courting each other on the cusp between old and new morals.

I like Russian fiction, what can I say? It turns me into the blushing hopeful girl, sighing with a book in her hand and the lovely romantic ideas spinning round her head. Man, there are times I wish that was the way of it now. The courting seems so thrilling, blood pumping, woozy with glee. LOL

This just showed me why I'm reacting the way I am. I'm such a nerd for the Russian romance, I play it out in this life and people aren't used to wooing slowly causing such a passion. But it stirs the blood to a higher pitch than sex. It's the bait and release, hunting and be hunted, stirring the waters to see the reactions and then wonder about it aloud with sighs later. It is intoxicating, innervating, it spirs one into fits and sighs and letters of pronouncement. I want it to continue this slowly, I just want to know if it can go any further or if my sighs are in vain. See I just get all sappy and girly and dreamy, the wait for each tiny step goes into eternity but each one taken is amazing and so worth the wait.

I'm a Tolstoyian romantic, who woulda thunk. (No, he's not the only one I've read. He's just the first one whom I have read his entire works. At least those translated into English. And he's mentioned in almost every other Russian novel written after him, usually as a hero, you tell me he sucks and I'll wonder what your idea of good is. I could go into my love of their literature for quite a while, even the detail heavy, slightly confusing, battlescenes and war histories.

I've wandered off topic, I'm going to be perfectly honest, even though I allowed myself to be me without feeling like a criminal about it - I'm wondering how he's going to respond to the fullness of me. It's crazy this risk has caused me to feel better about myself and to figure out why I do it. I'm no longer ashamed or embarrassed I wrote him that letter. I meant it and I am happy in saying it. It's a relief to say it and I hope my intentions of honestly sharing who I am without shame gets across to him. I don't want to be embarrassed by my real self, I'm kinda cool and quirky. I do thinks oddly, so what? That's who I am and if I'm embarrassed or ashamed of it, then others will feel it too and how is that attractive even on just a friendly level?

I need to remember Maude's example and be me. Cause there's a million ways to be, you know that there are.

(I love that movie.)

...if you want to sing out, sing out
and if you want to be free, be free...

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Lost in Translation

There's something about the phrase, which speaks volumes about my life.

I often feel like I'm lost in translation, trying to figure out what others are saying to me. Where is the line between words and actions? Especially when they seem to almost contradict each other.

Talking to M and telling him stories of my past, those experiences that shaped me and his reaction to these tales is eye opening. I guess I've had more than the usual serving of asshole pie in my life. So many have just gone too far in treating me poorly, I seem to bring out the heartlessness in people. Either that or I look like a vat of ripe grapes which need to be stomped on thoroughly.

I don't want those nasty experiences to be what shapes me, to make me timid and frightened, wary and jumpy, not able to trust for fear of yet another unwanted serving of such horrid pie. Is it any wonder that I'm always lost in the translation, not understanding what's going on or why? Too many jerks have said one thing and done the exact opposite, how does one gauge differently from the only thing they know?

I don't want to sabotage my life anymore, I like being happy. Advice is a penny a dozen and half the time it's what people wished they had done or said, with them projecting their "failures" onto your situation. What if I'm not looking at the possibility of failure, just lost in the midst of brand new territory and not quite sure which way is up?

What if I'm truly happy, being right where I am, doing exactly what I'm doing and wondering what will happen next is just an exercise in daydreaming? What if my life feels so uncomplicated and serenely simple, that I keep pinching myself just to make sure I'm not dreaming? Why does questioning and being unsure have to equal being upset?

Can't it just be that I'm reveling in the mystery? For once I am so happy with exactly where my life is and having been a cynic for so long, it's hard to convince friends this is not an act. Quite a few think that I'm secretly in agony over all of this newness in my life and just presenting a stiff upper lip. They couldn't be more wrong.

I have found a friend whom I can share with, who's a great companion, who makes me laugh and smile and blush on a regular basis. It's rare I find someone I am so at peace around, even when I'm nervous. Why is it suddenly everyone's pushing or pulling on me (maybe him as well) for us to do something more? Why can't I have such a rad friend to be happy around? They all bring it up as if we've already started dating behind everyone's backs and when I say "it's not like that" I get "sure, sure, whatever you say".

I get advice poured on my head, assumptions dumped into my lap, predictions to soak my feet in - I just don't get why everyone's getting in on this. People are talking to each other about it behind our backs, like we're a rating catcher plot on a soap opera. How do I know? Friends who normally wouldn't even notice such things come up and say "So I heard you and ____ are, you know." When I ask where they heard it, it's always someone along the grapevine speculating.

Didn't know I could become such a hot gossip topic by NOT sleeping with a guy. Just because we spend a lot of time together...

Ok. I must say, that from the outsider's view - it looks like we're dating. We're the ONLY ones who insist on it's being any different and that's only with each other or me with my friends. He doesn't answer when others ask him about it, he's nebulous and let's them draw their own conclusions. Which is to think that we're together.

It's like we stepped into a 1980s romanticomedy flick and everyone's just waiting for the cheezy happy ending that they know is coming. Why is everyone else so sure when we aren't?? Why do I get the feeling that the pressure of friends could ruin this peace and happiness that I feel with the current simplicity?

I mean, fuck. For once I'm not being treated like a therapist or a surrogate mother, I'm not being talked down to or made fun of or told off. Nor do I feel the urge to do any of these things to him either. I'm not trying to force things nor do I feel forced into anything. I am genuinely happy in his company at all times, I know, it's like I'm breaking all the rules or something. Being happy and not rushing into things immediately without even looking to see if it's water or acid in the tank below. It's Crazy I know, like, totally bonkers man - nobody does it like that anymore.

But what about the whole idea - if you take it slowly and become friends first, if nothing else - you have a new, amazing friend and what is so bad about that?!? The ugly break-up thing is just not right, it's immature and reeks of deceptions, why not be upfront from the beginning and figure out whether you're actually compatible or not first?
Oh my god!
WTHey?
Are you shitting me?
Upfront first you say? Get outta town!
And that whole take the time to... I can't even say it, blasphemous.
You take it too far! I say!
Have at you!
(Ok Steph just took over my brain and typed that... I have no clue, ignore me, I'll just be over here.)

Of course for many the idea of Not being jealous or possessive of a romantic partner is just crazy talk. "How do you know that he loves you?" Was the response I got to a statement of how unattractive the possessive-jealous machismo is to me. Are you kidding me?!? I haven't been in a long term romantic relationship for many years, (some will say - Ever - but, it depends on your perameters) and even I know this one.

But then, you'd have to get to know him well enough to pick up on those little "love you" notes he leaves everywhere in his own way. See how he shows appreciation to his friends and family, understand that he'll probably do the same things with the one he loves and to most guys - those things mean a lot, it's like fixing your bike tire is an expression of his love - he didn't have to, but he did it and did a really good job. Didn't puncture the new tubes with the screwdriver or anything, see? Brand new for you.

Women do this as well, traditionally it's here is my cooking, I've paid attention to what you like and how you like it, I prepared it to be the best tasting meal you could have. The feminists out there can throw erasures at my head if you like, I like looking like I have a powdered wig on... But really that's what those things can be, a way to express your appreciation, love and gratitude towards someone who makes your days brighter and your nights warmer for their company.

I've wandered way off, down another path. But obviously I had to get that out, so it stays.

I guess I'm just shocked by all of this attention we're getting by Not dating and not jumping each other's bones as soon as we are alone. It's like the right combo to unlock the paparazzi option, all eyes suddenly turn to you and you hear this "Ooohh look at that!" coming from all directions. It's a really weird, kinda creepy feeling and yet not, a part of me laughs about it all.

I'm, as usual, lost in the translation. Either I'm missing a key part here or I'm analyzing way too much.

Eureka!

I can no longer, in good conscience, act like I am bad, guilty, stupid, etc., ad nauseum. It is a slap in the face to all of those who tell me I am not.

I have acted like I am beneath and not worthy or able to keep up with so many. While simultaneously excluding those I think are worse than I.

I have pigeonholed myself into this corner of aloneness and loneliness, exclaiming "But I can't help being a freak!" Even though the persecuting are nowhere to be seen.

I am able to keep up in conversations. I am polite and courteous, I am compassionate and generous in the ways I am able to be.

I intimidate others just by being myself and by not groveling or second guessing myself or my abilities. Not because intimidation is the response sought. Instead that this is the reaction of those who usually bully and then find someone who will not take the bullshit lying down.

I am not an idiot and I should stop proclaiming it in order to convince myself, but instead start living it.

I am strong, I need not convince anyone of that. I prove it over and over again almost daily.

I am lovable and I accept the love others offer me freely, without trying to attach anything or reason behind it.

I hope each of you has a Eureka moment like this yourselves. (If you haven't already.)

Give it to me...

Straight.

It doesn't seem like too much to ask, unfortunately in this day and age - it is for many. So few have the courage to tell it like they see it, fear of being politically incorrect or offensive or the object of anger or, or, or - there are too many excuses why it's better to beat around the bush, instead of pointing to the places which are either stunting growth or blooming beautifully.

Tonight I had a wonderful, fun-filled and surprising evening out with friends.
Surprising because an old friend and crush of mine showed up, whom I haven't seen in over two years. My crush on him is so old it's now an inside joke between us and our mutual friends.

This man, however, is one of those who always gives it to me straight. Whether it's something hard for me to hear or an affirmation of something I was confused about or a comment on something good about myself I hadn't seen. He doesn't need prompting from me, he just looks around, observes and absorbs as much as possible, then quickly comes to conclusions. Usually these are dead on, whether they are about me or anyone else.

He's tricky, he acts lazy and like a dumb good ole boy from Grand Junction - but he is the sharpest and smartest man I have met when it comes to psychology, riddles and piecing together the intricate puzzles people assemble between themselves and others. I have always been a bit awed by how quickly he can make such accurate assessments of those around him.

Tonight was not any different. We talked one on one for a time. He was sharp and straight to the point on many things with me, but always with that lazy smile. The kind of smile that belongs to the dreamy boy next door, it puts you at ease and gives you the vapors, even while he's skinning you alive. He confirmed a bunch of things which I have been confused about, it brought me some peace of mind.

The best part is that he initiates these talks, I never have to ask "So what do you think about...?" He just turns to me and says "Now correct me if I'm wrong but..." or "Is it just my imagination, but I could swear that..."

No wonder my crush on him has never faded, though with so many years between it's evolved to the adoration of a brother and person I hope will always keep reappearing in my life from time to time.

You know, come to think of it - between him and Gabe, they were the ones who told me time and again "You're a smart girl, you should give yourself more credit." They both pushed me to learn where my mental strengths are and taught me how to use them. Without either of them in my life I wouldn't be the woman I am today. He helped onto the road of self-realization and empowerment. The whole time using a silly role playing game as the means to get the message across.

I have amazing friends and I'm starting to get that they think the same thing about me.

Ego Boosting

I was having this conversation with a friend of mine and she pointed at a sore spot, then poked it. Quite by accident, mind you, she doesn't know me well enough yet to know that this is habitual for me.

I fall in love with every person I befriend. Male or female. It's not romantic, but yet it is because they are the ones I experience intimacy with. Not sex, that's not always intimate. But the ones I relax completely around, whom I share my heart with like two kids flopped facedown on the bed together exchanging secret gifts. Whom I hold up as fantastic human beings and my favorite people in the world. In the process I do what most Aries do, I give them genuine ego boosts. Because my praise is genuine and from the heart.

But there have been those who have seen this and taken advantage of it. Seeing how poorly they can treat me before I break. I'm more wary now, easier to frighten and I can't tell friend from foe. This is a sad thing, I want to give praise as a piece of the vision I see not to keep my friends. And when I look around me, I see glorious beings who are amazing, compassionate, generous, kind, talented, intelligent, humorous. Why can't I sing their praises? It is not to stroke the ego, it's to share a gleaming of what I see in hopes that they'll see it in themselves too. Because compliments should be a sharing of visions of beauty, to let them see themselves through your eyes.

Not an ego stroking session.

I'm going to let go of that, what I do, I do from the heart and if others choose to use that however it is they decide - that's all them. I don't have to break, though I reserve the right to show you the shadows I see as well. I see the whole vision, with each person in my life. Not their entire being, though in a metaphysical way - we are all one = I would know their entire being, but it's like an aura.

That's one of the things that tears me apart when I recognize someones using me for less than good reasons. Like thinking they are doing me a favor by being my friend, and using my enthusiasm for engineering their projects. Using my skills for their gains only and overdoing it.
So I can give freely, but it doesn't mean I'm stupid. It means I'm not going to bow away from what I see but I'm also not going to be a doormat.

I have many soul-brothers. I'd say around 40 or 50 of them. All over the world. They are men who have become my friends and are dedicated to me as their sister. But if you are my brother, I can rain the praises down whenever I wish and it doesn't mean anything more than sisterly love. If you are my lover, then the lines blur a bit. Especially the ones who stand on the line between the two. I am not deferential, I openly love every one of my friends and praise them all often, I love all of my lovers of the past and praise them as well.

It is always the man standing newly in front of me who is balanced between would-be lover and possible brother, which causes me to become confused and unsure of it all. And the men who purposely wedge themselves into that space for extended periods, then withdraw until I call out for them and do it again. Wash, rinse, repeat. These are the ones who hurt me and I swore after Gustav and then Edward - never again would I allow that in my life. For when my sweet angel face cracks and the kali underneath comes out, that relationship is over. So many men hope for the perfect woman who holds a glamoured mirror up to them and think that is happiness and love. It isn't, it's only one side of it. You have to reflect back and build each other up as a unit or it'll all come crashing down.

So, is it that I need more praise myself? I must ask this question. No. There is only so far a relationship can go when only one side is doing all the giving. Thankfully there are not too many people I've met who are 100% takers. Usually they are out of my life quickly.

I need to reread this and think some more.

Overwhelming

We finally prove that this country is not a bunch of blind stupid sheep. I hear the whole world is celebrating our election of Obama.

It is overwhelming to be a part of this nation's history right now. So many things happening, so much hope being poured out towards an icon of a man.

I'm reminded of how I pour all of my hope out into the laps of those I want in my life. Instead of taking my life by the reigns and giving myself the things I hope for.

Confusion and fear are survival tools, easily manipulated. Helping us to deal with those things we do not want to face or those things we should not allow. Warning systems built in, so to speak.

I'm am confused about many things. As I've said to a friend, if I wasn't confused right now, I'd be Wonder Woman with my own invisible jet and lasso of truth. I don't know how to face what is in front of me and I do not understand what all it means, so I am frightened. I'm trying to stop the fight or flight from being hair trigger sensitive. Trying to breathe, take everything slowly. No sudden moves, no grandiose ideas or theories, no assumptions, no expectations...

It's a tall order. I'm fidgety with life and a procrastinator, I seem to be at the point in my life where I personify paradox. I wonder how long before I tire of this as well and move on. Gabe once called me something close to being a pioneer. I always seem to dip my hands into things before others catch onto it. Once it becomes a fad I get disgusted and move on. Like too many kids in the pond muddies the water. That's usually when someone gets a leech. ;)

I might pioneer in one part of my life, but in others I'm horribly behind. Almost old fashioned in some ways, completely out of my element and floundering with a few. And I wish life weren't so difficult to decipher. But then what would we do for real fun?

Ok, I'm sleep typing now. Time to go to bed!

Girly Girl

I've been dealing with this strange feeling of neutrality regarding my gender and sexuality. Kind of like being androgynous but not looking it. (My curves are Way too pronounced for me to be called androgynous by looks alone.)

So, I went out last night, got tipsy, dressed nice and danced my heart out. I just emptied myself of anything but the music and let it take over my body. I'm told I dance amazingly when I'm like that, in the dance trance. *shrug* I'm too into it to even care.

But suddenly I felt like a woman, I felt my body moving in provocative ways, felt the waves of pheromones rolling off of me and I noticed the men who were watching me from the sidelines, the men who were getting closer and closer to me on the dance floor. I had to laugh aloud, I remembered what it feels like to be a woman and I was enjoying it.

I'm not sure what happened to neuter me like that, even during sex I didn't feel like a woman. But that identification with my gender is back. Not to say that suddenly I will want to run out and get involved in long discussions about dime store romances and domestic issues (if I'm sexist it's against my own gender - I know, I know...) but I'm definitely starting to feel sexy again.

I'm dancing on the lines, we are all genders (there's more than 2) within our psyches. It seems I've had a taste of feeling solely like each at least once in this life so far.

Advice Busters

I need to remember two things before asking advice.

1. Nobody but you knows all of the pieces behind any one situation where advice might be needed. Therefore any and all advice is only partial and never fully informed. Nor can you explain enough for people to be able to understand fully. The whole personal experience + subjective view = where the situation came from.

2. Many times you already know the answers somewhere up in your braincase, sometimes you've even gone over many of the options people will offer up as their portion of advice pie.

I've found, when you point out that you've already thought of "that solution" but it raised this, this and that instead of doing what you hoped - they get really mad. A typical response to "I thought of that, but..." is "well smarty pants, if you've already thought of everything why are you asking my advice then?"

Um. Because that answer created more questions which makes the original problem even more complex and now I'm bogged down? Or, Because I was hoping you'd come up with a better answer than I did? (Most hate that one.)

I like playing devil's advocate with those who give advice, it might possibly be a part of my mean streak, but it's really good fun to me. Someone gives me advice, my brain comes up with a thousand different outcome scenarios to it and I start stating them in the form of questions. It's like a conversation game to me, can you defend your advice when it's picked apart with the facts of the problem in it's entirety? (See getting advice problem #1 for why this is actually impossible. Hee!)

Gabe was the one who taught me that trick, we used to banter back and forth for hours like that when no one else showed up for coffee and debate afterhours. Not many people can do it without getting excessively exasperated and even angry with me within a relatively short amount of time.

It's like my weird habit of stating a fact and having it be interpreted as a guilt trip or whining or being upset. (Because people can't tell by my tone how to interpret it.) If I'm upset I either go silent and glare, get shreiky and teary-eyed or walk away in a huff. But usually I'm pretty dry and sarcastic as my normal brand of humor, pretty dry with my statements, which are usually made just to inform others of whatever schmutz I think they'd like to know about me and my daily life. This habit is where I got the comparison to being a Vulcan aka Spock. It's about like that. Heh.

Sometimes my sarcasm hits a nerve with someone, when they have been behaving naughty in sneaky subtle ways and feel guilty about it. You can say just about anything to them and all of a sudden it's "What do you mean by that?!? Are you implying I did/said something wrong? Why are you laying such a guilt trip? What did I do to deserve your anger??"

Er. Slow down, take a deep breath, I wasn't doing any of that. Feeling guilty about something I should know about or you wanna, I'll just go over here and pretend none of that just happened? Talk about confusing and sudden when that's the response I get.

All I said was "fill in domestic facts here, for your perusal Captain."

Like the cheater who's constantly harassing their SO, accussing them of doing the exact thing they are doing - out of guilt. Or the bully with the superiority complex who picks on others with noticable weaknesses because the bully actually has very low self-esteem him/herself.

When you hit a sore/guilt spot by accident, you'll end up taking the brunt of the emotions wrapped around it. I'm just as guilty of this overreaction myself, there's been a few times when someone's accidentally pushed the wrong button and I've unloaded all guns, full auto.
(It's one of the things I've been trying to wrangle in and under control, it's really not a nice thing to do to people.)

I wish my emotional side only hit every 7 years like Pon farr. LOL I'm a closet Trekkie!
Instead I have Pon farr every 28 days or so, way too freaking often for my liking.

I have to remember that people love giving advice, to have their opinions heard and taken to heart. You can listen and say thank you, but it doesn't mean you have to swallow it hook, line and sinker. Sometimes people just need to get the words out of their head, talk it out, write it out, paint it out - whatever it takes to stop the looping and deadends of fallible subjective speculations.

I have one piece of general advice - when someone asks you for advice, offer your ears instead and really listen to what pours out of them. Let them keep going for as long as their steam lasts. If they get stuck in a loop, gently nudge them out of it with a probing question which helps to lead to an exit for that track.

And if we think we know what's going on, stop before speaking - assess whether you are projecting your own experiences on theirs, making assumptions on partial info or actually providing an objective point of view.

Yep.

What is the question again?

I've been thinking about my main relationship issue - falling for those who are inaccessible. It's a long repeated pattern which always ends badly.

I've asked the question of why for so long I'm feeling like a 3yr old. (After the 2yr old "No!" phase is the 3yr old "Why?" phase for most children, it usually lasts a few years as well.)

That question isn't doing it for me, obviously. I've known about this problem of mine for about 10yrs now and have gotten no further than seeing it.

I can look at my past and the fact that my parents weren't very accessible to me through most of my childhood. I've talked about the type of neglect I endured before. I was simultaneously held up as a trophy and completely ignored in all other ways most of my formative years.

I believe I've been attracted to people who are similar most of my life. Not neglectful, just unavailable mostly. It's a comfort thing and when I'm ignored my temper flairs, some part of me hates it as much as I seek it out.

But it is not healthy to push people away and then get upset when they actually go. It is not fair to others nor to myself. My mother told me once, "Honey, you don't know how to accept the love people give you and you definitely don't know how to accept it from yourself."

How right she was and still is. Friends of mine have been trying the repeat method lately. They tell me, over and over again with patience - you are a good person, there is nothing wrong with you, you are fun to be around, you are beautiful, smart and talented, you are loved. When I push, they calmly take my hand and say "you can't get rid of me that easily. Keep pushing if you like, but I'm here to stay."

Andy pointed out last night that we've been friends for 16yrs now and he hasn't gotten sick of me yet. He and his wife are amazing, I really adore my friends. I blush whenever these dialogs happen, I'm not used to it and it makes me uncomfortable - but I don't tune them out and I don't forget what they say. I keep hoping that one day the seeds of this patience and understanding, this unconditional love for me will take full root and I'll finally believe them 100%.

I can't be all that bad if such amazing people stick with me over the years. I'm not the easiest to get along with by a long shot, I throw temper tantrums on a weekly basis - even though it embarrasses me almost instantly afterward and I wish I wasn't so childlike in so many ways. I don't put up with tantrums in children, why should I do it myself?

But I'm wandering from the topic... or am I? The men I have loved, fully let go of my fears and risked everything on throughout my adult life - all of them were unavailable to me. They gave me 100s of reasons, most of them the same and most of them turned right around after we broke it all off and found a woman to do everything they said they didn't want to do with me.

The last one still hurts, I've pushed it down and only allow the bitterness to visit from time to time, but I'm still deeply wounded by it. He didn't break it off, he said "I'll call you in a couple of days and we can talk about this." I never heard from him again and it's been over a year. He cut me completely out of his life in silence. The one way which is perfect for cutting me to the core - to act like I don't exist and never did to begin with, to pull the silent treatment without any way ever of reprieve. He professed his love for an image of perfection I could not ever live up to and when I showed my humanity - he freaked out and ran away so fast all I could do was gasp and cry into the empty air he left behind him. I've gone through the stages of grieving once, who knows if I'll go through the cycle again. It took me 5 years to get past the pain of my first love's inaccessibility, I don't want to go through that again. Too many years wasted pining over something that could never be and he let me down gently, with much love for me as a friend.

When I don't go for this type of man - I go for the "I need a Mom" emotionally abusive types, the white knights who give so much they end up resenting you for not appreciating it with undying devotion, the ones with all of the worst characteristics of my father.

I don't want to be Mom to a grown man - unless he's my son and I don't have a son. I don't want to be someone's devotee or emotional punching bag or coerced sadomasochist enabler. When I realize you're pushing buttons to get me to chastise you on purpose - I recognize the game almost instantaneously and get Really angry, so angry I leave the relationship altogether immediately - do not pass Go, do not collect anything other than your shit from my place.

I want to be an equal. I want someone I can learn from and teach from time to time. I want to have a companion who doesn't cling or ignore, I know there's a middle ground in there and it's the healthiest way to be, I can see that. Someone to express joy with and explore the world like adventuring kids, whether it's the backyard or on the other side of the planet.

I'm tired of the old unrequited tune, it's time to put on a different record. I'm going to start by accepting that it's ok to love myself exactly as I am, that I'm ok alone and with company, that it's ok to be introverted.

You know, I wasn't so introverted in my 20s, I was a regular social butterfly but I was miserable. I felt like my social rounds were done in the name of avoiding loneliness and I was right. I was happiest with my nerdy friends debating philosophy, science and theology til sunrise at diners over coffee and too many cigarettes.

Those days are over, we've grown up, one of us has died but that doesn't mean I can't find that fulfillment and happiness in other ways now. I just have to reach out to the type of people willing to be in that space with me, they are in my life and I find joy whenever I am in their company.

Maybe I'll never find the one who can be my constant companion in these things, but I have plenty of friends who fill that need within me. I have many years of life left to live, I'm going to stop searching and be happy with what I have right now, because it's pretty freaking phenomenal.

Mysterious Ways

The universe (or God or Goddess or whatever you want to call it) works in mystery, at least to us it is in ways which are mysterious and enigmatic wrapped in a tortilla shell made out of stars.

I have been having an honest communication with a friend of mine. This means we lay out exactly what's on our minds, without the tiptoeing most people require. I can be harsh as most people know, if nothing else I'm a little abrasive and my some of my edges are a little pointy just naturally. Think of it as part of my eccentric charm. Heh.

So as I was writing a response to her this morning, the words I have been searching for within my current spiritual dillemma came forth. Much of it is shocking to me, I didn't realize that this was going on in my noggin, but it makes sense.

So I'm going to share the gist of this email (leaving out the personal parts for the sake of my friend's privacy since she runs a community spiritual healing center.)

...............................................................

I need to focus on my inner rituals and accept my inner divinity right now, instead of going to outer rituals and focusing on the outer aspects of what is within me. Essentially, I need to tear the face off the goddess and place it on my head instead, this is a very private thing at the beginning and I'm kind of in new territory altogether here.

It is no longer ok for me to acknowledge my inner divinity in a round about way, the gods and goddesses are simply anthropomorphic versions of the different aspects of the divine within us, they exist in order to distance ourselves to help with the acceptance of that aspect in our lives.

We limit our divinity with our humanity and do not believe we Are the actual gods - that would be too disappointing for the majority of the species, to find that the Divine is so fallible and finite. But if it is all things, then it is this as well as infallible and infinite. All things need a paradox, a balance to exist.

I can no longer make that separation and feel right about it, I don't know what changed or why and I don't look down on anyone else for doing things this way, I'm confused enough without putting that into the mix.

There is also that I spent so many years going to rituals and running rituals, it's lost all meaning to me and no longer nourishes my spirit. This is a sad thing and it is something I need to face. The loss is not in the rituals or the people involved, it is within myself. Possibly the lack of separation and the confusion are big factors in this, I am a jumble of questions right now and my subconsciousness has been in overdrive for almost a year, but I can't remember what's going on in my Dreaming.

I'm stepping into the unknown and it's frightening and exciting all at the same time, I feel like I'm accelerating and retarding simultaneously and I don't understand it, I'm starting to feel like cosmic taffy here.

I'm glad that you respect that some women do not feel comfortable in women's gatherings, I have been puzzled by my discomfort for a while and lamenting that I'm so disassociated from my womanhood. It's painful to be in the presence of only women, which is why after being in the women's circles I search out the men so quickly. Women's gatherings remind me that I don't... there's a word that I can't find. It is like being shown how wonderful it is to be a woman and revel in it, but still remain on the outside without being able to get there no matter what you do. Why don't I feel like a woman? I wish I knew, but I know I'm not the only one who feels like this in the world. And it's not that I feel like I'm a man trapped in a woman's body either. It's like I'm neuter, while still having all of my female parts. It's a very dead feeling and isolating from our entire gender. Maybe this is why I want another child, to prove to myself that I am indeed a woman, but I've already proven that with my first child so obviously that is not the answer.

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There's more to the email of course, it's just none of anyone's business but hers and mine.

This answers questions and simultaneously creates more.
I need to think on it for a while and not in a writing sense right now, I feel like I'm going to start writing in loops. I need to research this idea of separation between ourselves and our inherent full divinity a lot more.

Hmmm

The Dreaming

I work in dreams, it's one of the reasons I started my own amateur studies on neuroscience. To be able to understand the processes of the brain, in order to have a scientific grounding to a metascience field.

The subconscious is as close as we get to being omnipotent and omniscient, it does a fairly good job with it as well. At least within our own individual subjective inner worlds, but since in reality that is truly all we have - it's a big thing. Our sensory organs do not have filters, those are within the brain itself, all info on all levels enters our sensory organs the brain processes it, filters out what the consciousness does not need to function and stores the rest. All this happens so fast we are not consciously aware of it. (Sorry, little brain pun there. heh)

The subconscious has an eidetic memory of every single thing we experience, even those experiences that are filtered out. I believe that our consciousness talks to us about all the things it filtered out during the day as we sleep, it's why our dreams sometimes reflect our days but with odd twists or focuses on different details than the ones we were occupied with while awake. It's why we can search for something we've lost around the house for days and then dream of it's whereabouts and upon waking find the dream was 100% correct. Or why when we have a difficult problem we need to find a solution to, but are struggling to put all the pieces together, that in a dream it can all be laid out in perfectly understandable terms, leading (if you remember the dream upon waking) to solving a major problem in one night's sleep.

Our subconscious loves playing jigsaw puzzle with the trillions of bits of information it takes in, putting in things that it filtered out during the day as unnecessary information for the consciousness at the moment. Like say, a conversation co-workers are having in the background which contains a pertinent piece of information which would aid in your current project but at the moment of their conversation, which happened just out of conscious ear range, you didn't know you needed it. Once you are asleep and it's time for your subconscious to take the reigns, it can access that previously ignored info and piece it into the rest of your puzzle.

The same goes with internal issues, dreams reflect any turmoil, anxiety, confusion, fear, sadness, etc., etc. so that the subconscious can look at it from many different angles and figure out what it's really all about. It's the ultimate psychiatrist (unless the subconscious is "broken" as well, which is considered by today's terms true insanity, but that's a different subject.)

I have been blocked from seeing most of what's going on in my subconscious for almost a year now, it's part of my frustration and depression. It's like chopping off a limb arbitrarily and saying that I can have it back some other arbitrary point in the future, but please, act like nothing's wrong until then. The only thing I'm allowed to know about my Dreaming times is the overwhelming feeling that they are very intense, extremely lucid and almost like I'm living two separate but very real lives, one in this waking reality and one in my subconscious's reality. Kind of like Clark Kent and Superman.

For someone who works in the Dreaming, this is extremely frustrating.

I just had a flash from the depths, thanks subcon... if I was to explain what it was in my terms, many would write me off as another new age looney. So I'll take a different route to explaining it. Basically I was having nightmares a year ago regarding a man whom I allowed to break my heart, then crush it to a fine powder and in order to get them to stop I took measures to protect myself by not being able to remember them upon waking. In essence, I put up an extra filter between consciousness and subconsciousness which blocked the specific kind of communication between the two which allows for dreams to be remembered.

Though there's the warning that suddenly being able to remember my dreams again fully may not be the most pleasant of experiences - I think this is just one of those warning klaxons placed to remind oneself to be Very sure about proceeding further. Kind of like Hal in 2001: Space Odyssey - trying to warn Dave away from turning him off - leaving this filter on would cause more harm than good in the long run.

I must say I had one dream tonight (I've already been to bed and slept for 5 hours) that woke me up in the middle of it with the urge to act immediately on the solution it gave me to an issue with a friend. I got up and thought about it when the urge to write the proscribed email hit me in a wave once more and so I got up and wrote it, exactly as I was shown in my dream. What happened in the dream before that I don't know, what else I dreamed in those 5 hours I don't remember either, but just the act of remembering that part so succinctly is wonderful to me.

It's the reason I started writing this entry actually, so two good things out of my subconscious from one partial dream. Man, if we could just believe in our subconscious's abilities we would become nie on supermen ourselves, it's probably a good thing there's so many filters between it and the consciousness.

Maybe part of our next evolution is tapping further into our subconscious and dropping some of the extraneous filters we have up. It's a thought.

For more info on lucid dreaming go here: http://www.dreamviews.com/

Brain blockage

So if you get into neurology and peptides and neural pathways and all that jazz, you'll probably get what I'm going to talk about.

I'm dealing with a brain blockage, it comes from repeating something and getting a negative emotion from doing it. I'll use my problems with mathematics as an example.

I have always had issues figuring out math, the formulas don't make sense when they are discussed in that field. However, I can usually do the math automatically when it comes to music. Now if I stop to think about the math in music, I get all messed up and my brain sends a message saying "This hurts, stop now."

I had painful experiences around learning math from grade school up, just as I had the same kinds of experiences learning the mechanics of grammar (which I have a better grasp of now that I've had a most excellent teacher to show it to me in a different way.)

After years in the public school systems here, where the teachers just don't have the time to figure out different ways to teach kids with subject issues like myself and failing algebra twice in high school - I was eventually siphoned down to crap mathematics classes - how to do your basic taxes, etc. In those classes, there was nothing too complex mathematically to learn, it was just applying basic math to complex paperwork.

So my teachers brushed me off or told me I was lazy, the administration and my folks didn't know what to do with me - hence, they dropped me in the dumb kids math classes and called it good. I was treated like this until college, where I HAD to pass advanced math classes in order to get a degree. I applied myself to learning it for the first time in years and failed miserably. I was yet again brushed off or told I was being lazy and that anyone could understand the formulas.

So now my psyche adds that I am too stupid to understand what everyone else can get easily.

This is a repeated action which resulted in negative emotion (reaction); this causes the neurons to fire in specific patterns which then release the peptides associated with negative emotions. It becomes a neural pattern or habit. You say math to me, my brain takes that and sends the info to my hippocampus (the part of the brain which stores memory) for memory references which then follow the habitual pattern ingrained by years of repeated action/reaction within the amygdala (the part of the brain which deals with emotions.)

To be more specific, the hippocampus of the brain works in conjunction with the amygdala, bringing traumatic memories together with strong negative emotions. This is thought to happen because negative experiences bring about the survival instincts where our negative emotions come from. (Without fear, anxiety, anger, etc. - we would not be able to differentiate between what's good for us and what's bad, causing us to not be able to react in a way of survival during harmful situations.)

It takes consciously "rewiring" the brain to reverse this pattern into a positive reaction. But you must replace the first traumatic memories with newer positive ones. Hence why I was able to finally grasp grammatical mechanics in college after years of complete imcomprehension - I had positive experiences with a really amazing professor which overwrote the traumatic experiences with my high school teachers. (Those people were doozies...)

So, I have this negative memory/emotion patterned reaction to the topic of math. All I need is positive experiences where I am able to comprehend it and the block will be gone, replaced by at least a like of the subject. It may sound magical and instantaneous, however, it takes more than one new positive memory to foster this radical change in neurochemistry.

I am trying my damnedest to work past these blocks. Within this neural formula is the means for anyone to get past fears, anxiety, anger, self-destructive patterns, etc.

Self-destructive patterns are interesting. It seems that when all one experiences is negativity on a large scale for many years, the amygdala can actually use these patterns to bring about positive feelings instead. Or at least the basic functions of lust, comfort and security. Hence why some people enjoy SadoMasochistic behavior and experiences.

So how does one find the positive experiences to replace the negative ones? By taking chances, risks even (and it does feel like a survival risk due to the patterned response connection between hippocampus and amygdala.) By pushing past the knee jerk negative emotion reaction and trying to create a more positive replacement. Or you find someone who has the ability, patience and understanding to bring a little light on the subject, helping you to understand it without any emotional pain involved.

Now when the positive begins to happen, many times we confuse the good feelings which come with this, with infatuation for the person who helped to foster it. The old crush on teacher thing. It's really flattering for the teacher, they have brought about a positive experience for thier student hopefully bringing about a breakthrough in their learning process, but they must recognize the infatuation for what it is.

...

I've been blathering on about all this for a while and I'm tired now.
I've proven a point to myself, a positive experience resulting from me taking a risk. I wanted to prove to myself that I am smart enough to understand mathematics. If I can understand neuroscience, even on a small scale - I can get math. :)

One new memory with good feelings attached down, several more to go. Now if I could just find someone who is able to teach me algebraic formulas in a way I get - I'll be golden.

(You may be wondering why I'm so keen on learning higher maths - my dreams involve engineering, clockworks, mechanics, robotics, welding, chemisty... all these things are needed in my noggin in order for me to realize them and if I understand math, this path of learning will be much easier.)

Reminders from a good friend

From the minds of masters...

Buddhavision

"See everybody as the Buddha. When you are stuck in a traffic jam on the Los Angeles freeway, can you look at all the other drivers, particularly the ones who are weaving in and out of lanes, and see them as the Buddha? In a work situation, if you have a particularly cantankerous boss who you think is a complete idiot, can you look at that person as the Buddha? As a manager, can you see the person who is working for you as the Buddha?"

--Gerry Shishin Wick Sensei, Tricycle: The Buddhist Review Summer 1996
from Everyday Mind, edited by Jean Smith, a Tricycle book

and:

The True Nature of Happiness

Lack of understanding of the true nature of happiness, it seems to me, is the principal reason why people inflict sufferings on others. They think either that the other's pain may somehow be a cause of happiness for themselves or that their own happiness is more important, regardless of what pain it may cause. But this is shortsighted: no one truly benefits from causing harm to another sentient being. Whatever immediate advantage is gained at the expense of someone else is shortlived. In the long run, causing others misery and infringing their rights to peace and happiness result in anxiety, fear, and suspicion within oneself. Such feelings undermine the peace of mind and contentment which are the marks of happiness.

True happiness comes not from a limited concern for one's own well-being, or that of those one feels close to, but from developing love and compassion for all sentient beings. Here, love means wishing that all sentient beings should find happiness, and compassion means wishing that they should all be free of suffering. The development of this attitude gives rise to a sense of openness and trust that provides the basis for peace.

--The Dalai Lama, from The Dalai Lama: A Policy of Kindness, edited by Sidney Piburn
from Everyday Mind, edited by Jean Smith, a Tricycle book

and:

People We'd Rather Avoid

Metta (lovingkindness) is to be extended towards all beings and all manifestations, yet most of our difficulties lie with people. It is much easier to love birds, dogs, cats, and trees than it is to love people. Trees and animals don't answer back, but people do, so this is where our training commences. . . . Sometimes people find they don't feel anything while practicing metta meditation. That is nothing to worry about; thoughts aimed often enough in the right direction eventually produce the feelings. All our sense contacts produce feelings. Thoughts are the sixth sense, and even if we are only thinking metta, eventually the feeling will arise. It is one means of helping us to gain this heart quality, but certainly not the only one.

In our daily activities all of us are confronted with other people and often with those whom we would rather avoid. These are our challenges, lessons and tests. If we consider them in that manner we won't be so irritated by these experiences. . . . When we realize that such a confrontation is exactly what we need at that moment in order to overcome resistance and negativity and substitute metta for those emotions, then we will be grateful for the opportunity.

--Ayya Khema, in When the Iron Eagle Flies
from Everyday Mind, edited by Jean Smith, a Tricycle book

yet another:

What Right Speech Means

Right speech means abstention (1) from telling lies, (2) from backbiting and slander and talk that may bring about hatred, enmity, disunity and disharmony among individuals or groups of people, (3) from harsh, rude, impolite, malicious and abusive language, and (4) from idle, useless and foolish babble and gossip. When one abstains from these forms of wrong and harmful speech one naturally has to speak the truth, has to use words that are friendly and benevolent, pleasant and gentle, meaningful and useful. One should not speak carelessly: speech should, be at the right time and place. If one cannot say something useful, one should keep "noble silence."

--Walpola Rahula, What the Buddha Taught

from Everyday Mind, edited by Jean Smith, a Tricycle book

Habits are hard to break

I basically made a vow to leave people to their opinions and assumptions, to not get angry when they skew something I say and take it way out of context. We are fallible after all, to err is human and all that.

And yet, not even 24hrs after I make this decision I get angry and serve some people a little anger pie. sigh

I must not judge myself too harshly, I am trying something new and it's easier to slip than to stay on course. The more I exercise it, the easier it will become - right?

I'm just tired of people assuming the worst instead of the best. When will we learn as a species? All I can do is work towards this myself and hope that others are doing the same.

Of course, there's the whole bringing the truth to light and gently telling people that they have assumed the worst and that they are way off context and out of line. I just don't know how to do this yet and so it is better to stay silent than to go off on people like a loose cannon.

I am trying with all of my might to not be afraid that I cannot learn this. I can learn anything I set my mind to, right? I can learn anything I set my mind to - that should be my new motto.

Anyone out there think they can teach me math? Algebra level and beyond that is. I could probably use a refresher on fractions too. I get geometry, maybe it's because I have a symbol to show me what's being worked out... is there a way to mix geometry with algebra to get the formulas to make sense?

I really, really, really want to not be so bad at math, I want to get beyond this limitation. It's the only reason I didn't get my degree after all. All I had to do was pass my math courses and I wasn't able to, so I left college with no degree after 4 years of trying to just get an associates in the arts.

I told myself I could do it, I made a real effort to understand it and when I hit a brick wall, I went to the tutors supplied by the school. I was told "how can you not get this, it's so easy? You're just not trying." Everyone thought I was just being lazy and wouldn't help me, none of them believed that I really didn't understand one bit of it. So I quit, after trying 3 times to pass algebra and failing miserably each time - I figured I just don't have the right mind to understand it.

So this is the same thing only in a different context. I have a hard time with my anger, it was the first and main emotion I learned, it was my knee jerk survival reaction from an early age. Fight fire with fire, right? I've gone to therapy for it, I've learned techniques, skills, meditations, mantras - all to get this part of me to not be the ruling part. I am not as angry as I once was, it has calmed down to mostly reactions to people's stupidity in assumptions. Where as it used to be I was angry at the world at large with no differentiations between anything.

I haven't figured out the formula on telling people they've got it wrong without being a bitch about it. So, I just have to have faith that either I'll one day have an "ah-ha!" moment or someone will say something which will bring about the same effect.

Until then, I need to keep my mouth shut, else I dump misery on both my heads and those around me.

Nice

I'm so content right now.
I realized today that I've finally accepted my need to learn better interpersonal habits, better romance habits and new ways of looking at the whole enchilada.
I don't attract just the bigoted, alcoholic assholes of the world as I was starting to think.
I need to become comfortable with me, as in with this new me that I'm discovering.
It's one thing to change, it's a whole other game accepting the change 100%.

I don't need the guilt I lay on myself for being "abnormal" and I am so much happier when I'm not being an opinionated know-it-all.

Still need to work on asking people to repeat themselves when I can't hear them, instead of nodding and then accidentally changing the subject mid-topic. (Which happens more often than I'd like to admit.)

One of these days I'll get to go to eye and ear doctors to see how the deterioration is doing. It's not hypochondria or paranoia with these, I'm losing my wonderful sight and after years of clubs and big underground parties with music at deafening levels - my hearing is going as well.

Anyway, I was checking up on the 2 different dating sites I have profiles on and realized that I don't want to be on them anymore. I don't want to date anyone at the moment, I just want to improve my current friendships and learn how to accept myself 100%.