What to write? There's too much right now going through my brain.
I am learning new things about me, good things this time.
I spent all weekend with a new friend, he's great and we had a lot of fun. Everything is so comfortable around him, it's an extremely rare thing for me - I always feel awkward, even around my close friends most of the time. Either he is too polite to speak when I am annoying or he's one of the most patient and understanding people I have met in forever. (Hi! Thanks again!)
It's an odd sensation to spend so much time in constant company with one person and not go into the "I need space!" freak out. I didn't feel the urge to correct or explain myself in simple terms or repeat myself over and over to get a point across. I think I've been hanging out with guys who don't have as much in the braincase as I do, being around one who most likely has more upstairs than me is such a breath of fresh air.
(And for my girlfriends reading this - Hi Ethel! No, we're not dating or making with the sweet lovins, I think he's going to be an awesome friend for a long time. Yes, we've talked about it and I feel safe in saying this with certainty. :)
And he doesn't cling! (snoopy dance) He's an awesome companion to hang out with and wander around doing geeky stuff with. I'm relaxed in his company at all times, this is a first for me, usually it takes me a long, long time to get over my awkwardness with new people in my life.
(You know, M, it feels weird talking about this knowing you'll be reading it... I refuse to stop being open on this blog though, I hope it's okay with you.)
So I'm not adverse to being around someone for a long period of time - it's just been a while since I've met someone new whom I feel able to do so with. There are a few others I can be around for long stretches with no problems, like my good friend Xander - we've traveled together so often we have a routine and pattern down to save sanity. There's also my friend Bobzilla who lives in Berkley - we have a ton of fun together, no strings or expectations. I think I wear on my girlfriends' nerves a bit after a while, I'm kinda high strung. ;)
I'm really tired from the weekend and my back hurts from sleeping on an old single mattress on the floor last night.
I'm going to get over my aversion to public transportation. I think I'm going to get an mp3 player, maybe I can ask for one for Christmas - the not-an-ipods are cheaper now. Though I've already asked for a trip to the optomitrist and help with buying glasses if I need them. Which is more important. Maybe I can sell a painting to get the money for a player... I think having a sound barrier between me and the other passengers would help tremendously. That way I can't hear the abuse they heap on each other and if I've got my nose in a book, I won't see it either. It's pathetic that I want to be able to ignore prejudice behavior instead of confronting it - but I'm tired of confrontation.
...
I'm tired of confrontation. So why do I keep confronting people? Hmmm. Maybe it's time to lay off for a while and just let people be. I think I'm going to be quiet on my disgruntled problems and see how that goes for me.
Ok I'm exhausted and can't type very well at the moment, my OCD editing is making this take for freakin' ever to write too. X)
Till next time, same bat time, same bat channel.
Monday, October 27, 2008
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Lessons on People
1. When you write anything ambiguous, each person who knows you and reads it - will think it's about them.
2. They will always assume the worst and most of the time get it wrong and be way off.
3. They will give you advice about their mistaken assumption, putting their feet in their mouths further and further as they make more and more assumptions based on their first erroneous one.
4. These days there are anti-etiquette's in the technological world. (ie: if you send an invitation email/text to more than one friend and ask for a response, it is treated as a rhetorical question or else you would've asked them individually.) *this makes no sense to me, but what do I know?*
5. It really is all about them and if you can't be simple and outwardly positive then most people don't want to have anything to do with you. This equates to "Dude you're being real, stop it or I'll unfriend you."
6. If you don't have the money or the inclination to drink, you aren't as fun to have around.
7. It really is All about the sex.
8. People love it when you throw parties, but hate it when you try to find a ride to theirs.
9. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.
I am learning and what I'm learning doesn't make me feel any better about Americans in general. There are always excepts to the rule, but those are few and far between. We are selfish, lazy and rude; it's all about how much income you have, hiding your emotions and putting up a front, how you look, what you believe.
I keep getting the advice "Be yourself and fuck those who can't take it." But even those who say this don't seem to mean it. Being oneself at all times is being open and honest about both the good and the bad times. I can't be myself and then hide my bad days because it makes people uncomfortable at the same time.
Someone said to me recently that strong women rock and I shouldn't hide away just because people try me poorly. I have been strong, facing the shit people throw at me and throwing it back my whole life - there comes a time when one just gets sick of doing it. People do not respect those who do this, they call them "bitchy and opinionated" and give you hell even more.
I'm tired of being treated poorly. Not everyone does, then again - these people are few and far between. In my life I have only a handful of friends who do not. I am thankful for them and I try to treat them wonderfully, with respect and gratitude. I try to say thank you as often as possible because this is a rare characteristic these days.
There are those who go out of their way to be overly nice and helpful, 9 times out of 10 every time they help you, it is to rack up paybacks and they feel it entitles them to treat you anyway they like the rest of the time.
People, if you help someone - do it because you want to without expecting anything in return.
And the whole "I'd help you but I have my own problems" is asinine. If we all help each other out, then we get solutions faster; if we try to do it all on our own, we end up floundering and bitter. I've seen this proven again and again. How about," sure I can help you with that, I was wondering if you might be able to help me with this." It's not an expectation for paybacks, it's participating as a community to better everyone's lives. If we're upfront about it, then there's no reason to hold the help we give over other people's heads.
It's not "I helped you, now you better help me."
It's "Sure I can help you, I was wondering if you can help me."
Sometimes the help equates to "I can't personally help you with this, it's beyond me - but I know someone who can. Let me introduce you."
If we all stopped just expecting someone else to take care of it, without even checking to see if this is the case or giving moral support - less people would be floundering and more happiness would be a result.
Maybe I'm wrong or just an idealist, I just know that there was once a time (and it's still happening with much success in other parts of the world) when Community and helping others out without expecting anything back was the status quo.
We are a corporate nation, we treat people the way the big corporations treat us. If you help me I'll fuck you, if you don't I'll fuck you even harder and if you need help well fuck you too.
I'm embarrassed to be an American, I have been most of my life. We aren't worth the phony money we call currency. (Phony money lesson = our currency is not backed by anything but the people's belief in it. Without our belief that it is worth anything, even a $100 bill isn't worth a penny. This means most currency is backed by it's stated worth in precious metal, like gold, ours isn't backed by anything at all. Monopoly money has the same amount of worth as the US dollar in all reality.)
I believe in a revolution, in people standing up and saying "this isn't ok, there has to be a better way." It doesn't have to be a hostile take over or a civil war, but we have to grow backbones and stop believing in the illusions we are being fed. I know that this way of thinking can be/is considered dangerous by our current government, if I haven't been flagged by my thoughts on our current state of affairs by now this isn't going to do a damned this.
I believe in pulling down the blinds and letting the light shine in, it won't be pretty but it'll definitely be a wake up call. Do you know how close we've become to being secured behind our own Iron Curtain? Think on that and yet we're apathetic, ready to take down those who are real about everything in their lives, scrambling to get more toys and support our numbing addictions. Bowing to the corporate overlords, because they pay the most.
It's sad and the everyday behaviors of the masses echo how bad it's really become.
Don't be a drone, stand up and look around you, look at how you treat people.
I'm no exception, I fall into some of these bad habits myself from time to time - but I always snap out of it, apologize (which really confuses people) and try to face the music once more.
If there's ever a cleaning of revolutionary thinkers in this country, I would be extremely surprised if I wasn't caught in it.
**If you think I went down a rabbit hole, please see the subtitle to this page one more time. ;)
2. They will always assume the worst and most of the time get it wrong and be way off.
3. They will give you advice about their mistaken assumption, putting their feet in their mouths further and further as they make more and more assumptions based on their first erroneous one.
4. These days there are anti-etiquette's in the technological world. (ie: if you send an invitation email/text to more than one friend and ask for a response, it is treated as a rhetorical question or else you would've asked them individually.) *this makes no sense to me, but what do I know?*
5. It really is all about them and if you can't be simple and outwardly positive then most people don't want to have anything to do with you. This equates to "Dude you're being real, stop it or I'll unfriend you."
6. If you don't have the money or the inclination to drink, you aren't as fun to have around.
7. It really is All about the sex.
8. People love it when you throw parties, but hate it when you try to find a ride to theirs.
9. Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one.
I am learning and what I'm learning doesn't make me feel any better about Americans in general. There are always excepts to the rule, but those are few and far between. We are selfish, lazy and rude; it's all about how much income you have, hiding your emotions and putting up a front, how you look, what you believe.
I keep getting the advice "Be yourself and fuck those who can't take it." But even those who say this don't seem to mean it. Being oneself at all times is being open and honest about both the good and the bad times. I can't be myself and then hide my bad days because it makes people uncomfortable at the same time.
Someone said to me recently that strong women rock and I shouldn't hide away just because people try me poorly. I have been strong, facing the shit people throw at me and throwing it back my whole life - there comes a time when one just gets sick of doing it. People do not respect those who do this, they call them "bitchy and opinionated" and give you hell even more.
I'm tired of being treated poorly. Not everyone does, then again - these people are few and far between. In my life I have only a handful of friends who do not. I am thankful for them and I try to treat them wonderfully, with respect and gratitude. I try to say thank you as often as possible because this is a rare characteristic these days.
There are those who go out of their way to be overly nice and helpful, 9 times out of 10 every time they help you, it is to rack up paybacks and they feel it entitles them to treat you anyway they like the rest of the time.
People, if you help someone - do it because you want to without expecting anything in return.
And the whole "I'd help you but I have my own problems" is asinine. If we all help each other out, then we get solutions faster; if we try to do it all on our own, we end up floundering and bitter. I've seen this proven again and again. How about," sure I can help you with that, I was wondering if you might be able to help me with this." It's not an expectation for paybacks, it's participating as a community to better everyone's lives. If we're upfront about it, then there's no reason to hold the help we give over other people's heads.
It's not "I helped you, now you better help me."
It's "Sure I can help you, I was wondering if you can help me."
Sometimes the help equates to "I can't personally help you with this, it's beyond me - but I know someone who can. Let me introduce you."
If we all stopped just expecting someone else to take care of it, without even checking to see if this is the case or giving moral support - less people would be floundering and more happiness would be a result.
Maybe I'm wrong or just an idealist, I just know that there was once a time (and it's still happening with much success in other parts of the world) when Community and helping others out without expecting anything back was the status quo.
We are a corporate nation, we treat people the way the big corporations treat us. If you help me I'll fuck you, if you don't I'll fuck you even harder and if you need help well fuck you too.
I'm embarrassed to be an American, I have been most of my life. We aren't worth the phony money we call currency. (Phony money lesson = our currency is not backed by anything but the people's belief in it. Without our belief that it is worth anything, even a $100 bill isn't worth a penny. This means most currency is backed by it's stated worth in precious metal, like gold, ours isn't backed by anything at all. Monopoly money has the same amount of worth as the US dollar in all reality.)
I believe in a revolution, in people standing up and saying "this isn't ok, there has to be a better way." It doesn't have to be a hostile take over or a civil war, but we have to grow backbones and stop believing in the illusions we are being fed. I know that this way of thinking can be/is considered dangerous by our current government, if I haven't been flagged by my thoughts on our current state of affairs by now this isn't going to do a damned this.
I believe in pulling down the blinds and letting the light shine in, it won't be pretty but it'll definitely be a wake up call. Do you know how close we've become to being secured behind our own Iron Curtain? Think on that and yet we're apathetic, ready to take down those who are real about everything in their lives, scrambling to get more toys and support our numbing addictions. Bowing to the corporate overlords, because they pay the most.
It's sad and the everyday behaviors of the masses echo how bad it's really become.
Don't be a drone, stand up and look around you, look at how you treat people.
I'm no exception, I fall into some of these bad habits myself from time to time - but I always snap out of it, apologize (which really confuses people) and try to face the music once more.
If there's ever a cleaning of revolutionary thinkers in this country, I would be extremely surprised if I wasn't caught in it.
**If you think I went down a rabbit hole, please see the subtitle to this page one more time. ;)
Friday, October 24, 2008
Forgotten
I decided to dump my thoughts onto here whenever my feelings get to an extreme.
Tonight I'm feeling forgotten and ignored, out of the loop, left behind.
I made arrangements with friends a few weeks ago to be their designated driver so that I could hang out with a bunch of my friends at a place too far for me to get to and back home without a vehicle and they could drink without driving intoxicated. (I use their car, they drive me home the next day.)
Either they weren't happy with the way things went the one and only time or they've forgotten it altogether. They haven't said anything to me one way or the other.
I know, I need to love myself and not worry about others, but it just hurts to be forgotten. I've been dealing with neglect issues my whole life, people just don't think it's important to consider me. Not my closest friends, not my family, not even to this very day. I'm the one everyone remembers After it's all said and done, then it's "Oops! Sorry, we didn't even think about you, but you didn't really want to do that did you? I mean it's not something you would enjoy, right?"
Yes, I absolutely Hate hanging out with my friends and family, I love sitting at home alone, day in and day out instead. Oh yes, I find being isolated from those I love while everyone else is out partying together Much more enjoyable.
*rolling my eyes*
Feeling left out and forgotten is one of my main depressives. Being ignored by everyone I reach out to (because I do reach out and try to communicate) is another. People just glaze over me and I don't get why. It makes me feel invisible and not worth a goddamn.
I'm done with letting it slide, not letting people know when they are being rude by not replying at all. I have sent out so many emails over the years, inviting people to do things or even just trying to get people to talk, without a single reply from a long list of people. Not a single person thinks to even say, thanks for the thought - sorry I can't participate right now. How long does it take to say that? It took me all of 3 secs to type it just now, so with opening/reading/replying/sending - maybe Maybe 5 minutes tops and that's if you're a slow reader/typist.
The only time I get replies is if I badger people and say "Come on, at least tell me no so I'm not sitting here waiting on all of you." People tell me to call and they don't answer. They tell me "Oh I Always answer this email." and never do.
Unless it's convenient for them to see me, 9 times out of 10 nobody even cares. Nobody tries really hard to get me to come out and play. And don't fucking tell me that I'm just wanting something nobody else gets either. I sit there and watch people desperately try to get others to show up or join them, calling, sending SMS, emailing, bribing, begging, pleading. But nobody ever does that with me, I don't even get the nonchalant "wanna come?" unless I put myself in people's range of view and bribe them.
If I didn't have something to compare what I experience to, I wouldn't be so upset would I?
I know I'll come back to this later and see a pattern I've been missing all along.
Maybe it's time to make new friends, but that never works out - I end up making friends with people who make my passive ones look like attention whores for my love.
Let's just say, I'm a whiny bitch but there's a reason for it and when I look for something better, I am shown what terrible asses people are to each other and why I should be ok with meh treatment instead.
Tonight I'm feeling forgotten and ignored, out of the loop, left behind.
I made arrangements with friends a few weeks ago to be their designated driver so that I could hang out with a bunch of my friends at a place too far for me to get to and back home without a vehicle and they could drink without driving intoxicated. (I use their car, they drive me home the next day.)
Either they weren't happy with the way things went the one and only time or they've forgotten it altogether. They haven't said anything to me one way or the other.
I know, I need to love myself and not worry about others, but it just hurts to be forgotten. I've been dealing with neglect issues my whole life, people just don't think it's important to consider me. Not my closest friends, not my family, not even to this very day. I'm the one everyone remembers After it's all said and done, then it's "Oops! Sorry, we didn't even think about you, but you didn't really want to do that did you? I mean it's not something you would enjoy, right?"
Yes, I absolutely Hate hanging out with my friends and family, I love sitting at home alone, day in and day out instead. Oh yes, I find being isolated from those I love while everyone else is out partying together Much more enjoyable.
*rolling my eyes*
Feeling left out and forgotten is one of my main depressives. Being ignored by everyone I reach out to (because I do reach out and try to communicate) is another. People just glaze over me and I don't get why. It makes me feel invisible and not worth a goddamn.
I'm done with letting it slide, not letting people know when they are being rude by not replying at all. I have sent out so many emails over the years, inviting people to do things or even just trying to get people to talk, without a single reply from a long list of people. Not a single person thinks to even say, thanks for the thought - sorry I can't participate right now. How long does it take to say that? It took me all of 3 secs to type it just now, so with opening/reading/replying/sending - maybe Maybe 5 minutes tops and that's if you're a slow reader/typist.
The only time I get replies is if I badger people and say "Come on, at least tell me no so I'm not sitting here waiting on all of you." People tell me to call and they don't answer. They tell me "Oh I Always answer this email." and never do.
Unless it's convenient for them to see me, 9 times out of 10 nobody even cares. Nobody tries really hard to get me to come out and play. And don't fucking tell me that I'm just wanting something nobody else gets either. I sit there and watch people desperately try to get others to show up or join them, calling, sending SMS, emailing, bribing, begging, pleading. But nobody ever does that with me, I don't even get the nonchalant "wanna come?" unless I put myself in people's range of view and bribe them.
If I didn't have something to compare what I experience to, I wouldn't be so upset would I?
I know I'll come back to this later and see a pattern I've been missing all along.
Maybe it's time to make new friends, but that never works out - I end up making friends with people who make my passive ones look like attention whores for my love.
Let's just say, I'm a whiny bitch but there's a reason for it and when I look for something better, I am shown what terrible asses people are to each other and why I should be ok with meh treatment instead.
Thinking Romance til it runs out my ears...
So because I'm contrary, even and especially when I proclaim will not do something (usually that means I Will do it) I cannot get my romantic issues off my mind.
On one of the livejournal communities I belong to we've started themed discussions and today's was lyric/poems we love and why.
This was my entry:
I'm a big Crash Test Dummies fan, they are my #1 favorite band.
Lyrics to Sonnet 1 (And When The Sun Goes Down) :
And when the sun goes down into the sky
Together we shall sit and we shall sup
And we shall eat, and drink the heady wine
O, let us share the overflowing cup
We'll ramble on the coast, each side by side
We'll feel the sting of bracing salty air
We'll feel the moon pull at the ocean's tide
And wonder that we are together there
One day these things shall have come to pass
And then the end will come, as so it must
No longer shall we smell the summer grass
No longer shall we know each other's trust
So let us walk, and feel the cooling breeze
Before they're just forgotten memories
author - Brad Roberts
From the CTD album Songs of the Unforgiven
It's from his apocalypse album written after 9-11 (he lives in Harlem, NYC)
It's a reminder to enjoy the beautiful things now as they will not always last.
I actually want this to be played if I'm ever married, it's the ultimate love song to me.
(Click on the title of this post to go to a site where you can listen to it.)
...........................................
In a world and culture obsessed with linear timelines, with how our pasts define us and how to plan for a future which is very uncertain at best - I stand with the rare few who strive to live for right now. I make some plans for near future events (like buying event tickets or plane tickets, etc.) but for the most part I try to live to enjoy what I'm doing right now.
In romance there is no exception, all things come to pass - so why not enjoy what's going on Right Now and stop worrying about where things are going or what's going to happen tomorrow? There are not too many people in this world who can even comprehend how to do this, who fret and worry and run away in fear of how intense this One Moment is. They worry about whether or not they can handle it in the long run, about getting hurt, about so many little things which do not exist in the moment.
Why bring up things which don't exist in the moment? Why not relax and just Enjoy the moment, give it your all? The intensity of my enjoyment and happiness in the moment scares so many off. It brings me sadness, as the happiness of the moment is ruined and overshadowed by fear.
I want to be intense about the moment, I want to enjoy it to the fullest and not worry about where things are going. I want to laugh and sing and dance like a child with no cares. Why does this cause consternation with so many adults?
I love many, as there is boundless amounts of love in the universe to go around and I'm a part of the universe, so I have boundless amounts of love to share with everyone. Every person I have ever loved, I continue to love even when we separate on less than good terms. Love does not disappear because of disagreements or even deceit, it just doesn't work like that.
I can love someone and not want to be around them, love is universal, it encompasses All things.
ALL THINGS - good and bad and neutral.
As I remind myself over and over that we look for the divine all-encompassing love in a physical manifestation and that this is impossible for one person to be for another, I also hear that little voice of truth -
We Are the ultimate physical manifestations of love for ourselves. In order to share this divine love with others, we must first apply it to the self. It is nothing if we don't do this.
And so I go back to the promise to romance myself.
To enjoy the moment to the fullest and to allow myself to experience the intense joy of a child with abandon.
If I accept myself and stop cowering in fear and guilt about not being like others then I ruin the moment.
On one of the livejournal communities I belong to we've started themed discussions and today's was lyric/poems we love and why.
This was my entry:
I'm a big Crash Test Dummies fan, they are my #1 favorite band.
Lyrics to Sonnet 1 (And When The Sun Goes Down) :
And when the sun goes down into the sky
Together we shall sit and we shall sup
And we shall eat, and drink the heady wine
O, let us share the overflowing cup
We'll ramble on the coast, each side by side
We'll feel the sting of bracing salty air
We'll feel the moon pull at the ocean's tide
And wonder that we are together there
One day these things shall have come to pass
And then the end will come, as so it must
No longer shall we smell the summer grass
No longer shall we know each other's trust
So let us walk, and feel the cooling breeze
Before they're just forgotten memories
author - Brad Roberts
From the CTD album Songs of the Unforgiven
It's from his apocalypse album written after 9-11 (he lives in Harlem, NYC)
It's a reminder to enjoy the beautiful things now as they will not always last.
I actually want this to be played if I'm ever married, it's the ultimate love song to me.
(Click on the title of this post to go to a site where you can listen to it.)
...........................................
In a world and culture obsessed with linear timelines, with how our pasts define us and how to plan for a future which is very uncertain at best - I stand with the rare few who strive to live for right now. I make some plans for near future events (like buying event tickets or plane tickets, etc.) but for the most part I try to live to enjoy what I'm doing right now.
In romance there is no exception, all things come to pass - so why not enjoy what's going on Right Now and stop worrying about where things are going or what's going to happen tomorrow? There are not too many people in this world who can even comprehend how to do this, who fret and worry and run away in fear of how intense this One Moment is. They worry about whether or not they can handle it in the long run, about getting hurt, about so many little things which do not exist in the moment.
Why bring up things which don't exist in the moment? Why not relax and just Enjoy the moment, give it your all? The intensity of my enjoyment and happiness in the moment scares so many off. It brings me sadness, as the happiness of the moment is ruined and overshadowed by fear.
I want to be intense about the moment, I want to enjoy it to the fullest and not worry about where things are going. I want to laugh and sing and dance like a child with no cares. Why does this cause consternation with so many adults?
I love many, as there is boundless amounts of love in the universe to go around and I'm a part of the universe, so I have boundless amounts of love to share with everyone. Every person I have ever loved, I continue to love even when we separate on less than good terms. Love does not disappear because of disagreements or even deceit, it just doesn't work like that.
I can love someone and not want to be around them, love is universal, it encompasses All things.
ALL THINGS - good and bad and neutral.
As I remind myself over and over that we look for the divine all-encompassing love in a physical manifestation and that this is impossible for one person to be for another, I also hear that little voice of truth -
We Are the ultimate physical manifestations of love for ourselves. In order to share this divine love with others, we must first apply it to the self. It is nothing if we don't do this.
And so I go back to the promise to romance myself.
To enjoy the moment to the fullest and to allow myself to experience the intense joy of a child with abandon.
If I accept myself and stop cowering in fear and guilt about not being like others then I ruin the moment.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Intensity
There is a major problem I have in romance.
I am extremely intense, I believe in allowing myself to feel fully and openly, to be excited and to pursue those things which bring bliss into my life.
Many people are put off by this, especially in the dating world. It's very often equal to being psycho or wanting too much too soon, when in reality it's just the way I am with or without expectations. I get excited about good things and people being in my life.
I hope one day to find someone who is accepting of my intensity and actually finds it a turn-on. Someone who is gladdened that I am excited to be in their presence and feels the admiration I pour forth without trying to make it into something negative.
I'm a melodramatic soul, you could point to the fact that I'm an Aries and this is part and parcel with being under that sign. It's being excited in a childlike way and nothing is more disappointing than someone telling you that it's a fault not a virtuous part of your personality.
Since when is being childlike in excitement, enthusiasm and intensity a bad thing? It doesn't mean I'm immature, just that the wonders of the universe titillate me to no end and I gaze on it all as a child would. My friends and family understand this about me and many have called it part of my charm.
Maybe one day I'll find a romantic interest who sees me in the same way as they do.
I hope so.
I am extremely intense, I believe in allowing myself to feel fully and openly, to be excited and to pursue those things which bring bliss into my life.
Many people are put off by this, especially in the dating world. It's very often equal to being psycho or wanting too much too soon, when in reality it's just the way I am with or without expectations. I get excited about good things and people being in my life.
I hope one day to find someone who is accepting of my intensity and actually finds it a turn-on. Someone who is gladdened that I am excited to be in their presence and feels the admiration I pour forth without trying to make it into something negative.
I'm a melodramatic soul, you could point to the fact that I'm an Aries and this is part and parcel with being under that sign. It's being excited in a childlike way and nothing is more disappointing than someone telling you that it's a fault not a virtuous part of your personality.
Since when is being childlike in excitement, enthusiasm and intensity a bad thing? It doesn't mean I'm immature, just that the wonders of the universe titillate me to no end and I gaze on it all as a child would. My friends and family understand this about me and many have called it part of my charm.
Maybe one day I'll find a romantic interest who sees me in the same way as they do.
I hope so.
What a relief
Writing out what's going on inside is always helpful for me. There's something cleansing about getting what's in my head out in writing.
There is a need to be surrounded by the people I love and yet I fight it. Even when I'm out and about, I tend to stick to a corner, watching everyone else interact. A big part of it is my inability to hold a conversation with people, at least a small talk one. When I'm around my good friends, there's always plenty to discuss, but then, they are my friends for plenty of reasons and having common interests is one of those.
Over the years I have tried to be outgoing, to meet new people, to engage in social banter. With the exception of interacting with those I've known for a long period of time, it doesn't work so well. Those who stick with me, accept my odd demeanor as just a part of who I am and either overlook my "foot-in-mouth" problem or make fun of me for it in a friendly way - these people end up being the ones I call family.
Mostly we're all geeks/dorks/nerds in some capacity or another. All of us find things interesting that the general public finds boring or incomprehensible. Like my obsession with world religions, Christian history and mythology. Not many people feel they have anything to add to that kind of conversation or hold to the ole "Religion is not a proper topic of conversation." If you are discussing it in an academic way, the only way it can get heated is if you disagree on the resources used for study. That can happen from time to time, but most scholarly types are willing to say "Look, what I've found contradicts what you are saying" and then they are urged to discuss their findings and the validity of the sources. When you are discussing historical things, there is always room for new findings which contradict old theories. It happens all the time.
Some archeologist finds something, they put the pieces they have together, along with what's been found in the past and the theories attached. They then take all of this information, with a little bit of free thinking to bring their findings under the current academic umbrella and postulate their own theories. These will either be along the same lines of other scholars or something new altogether.
When it's something new altogether - you better have something really, really good to back up your ideas. It turns the whole academic society on it's head and more experts in your specific field come out to see what it is you've discovered and how you came to your conclusions and hypothesis. If everyone agrees, then a new theory is accepted and old theories which are now considered contradicted by the new are reevaluated under the new dictations of the current findings.
See? Some people would eat all that up like candy and others would get glassy eyed and start drooling on themselves with boredom.
The biggest thing for me is to not be embarrased that this is how I work as an individual and stop hiding like a criminal for fear of causing people to become bored by my interests. Of course it would help me if I didn't start looking around and stop paying attention when people are talking to me about things I find abysmally boring, I could try to show some interest. It's difficult when people talk about mundane topics or something on the "what's currently popular" list.
Nothing bores me more than being stuck in a conversation about celebrities, tv shows and what's hot today. I don't watch tv, I could care less about 99.9% of the celebrities and I Really don't care about current fads. I like being me, I like my hobbies, I like my personal style and none of that fits in with the status quo.
I am realizing that I attract a certain kind of person with my guilty outlook on life. That I bring in those who misuse, abuse and neglect me because that is what I've come to: 1. expect 2. believe I deserve 3. am comfortable with.
How can one be comfortable with being misused and abused? I have been treated poorly from day one, my folks (who are awesome now that we're all older) were parenting according to the ways they had been raised - only with trying not to repeat the more severe abuses that they endured. I can say my father never struck me in anger, he came close but he never followed through and the one time he almost did - neighbors heard us fighting, called my mother and told her to get home Right Now or else I'd end up in the hospital. Thankfully she worked only a 1/2 mile from our place and was there in no time flat. She averted my father as he was raising his fist to strike me where he had me cornered in my bedroom closet. That was the first time she came to my aid and told my father to make a decision - get his anger under control or leave us.
When this is what you know, then this is what you are comfortable with and when things aren't going in that direction, you sabotage to help it happen.
I crave attention, but when I get it I become disconcerted and wary. To many people have been nice to me, then turned around and tried to ruin my life. I mean that in a very literal sense. I've had every rumor there can be about a person, spread against me in various communities. I've had people plot against me and strike out for no reason I could ever find. Other than I had something they wanted, whether it be a possession, a job, a lover or just happiness.
Even to the point of writing anonymous letters to my employers telling them lies to try to get me fired. (By the way, sending a letter anonymously usually only makes people laugh and tell you about it. They are more suspicious of the person sending it than the person it's about.)
Why do people feel they need to do these things to me? I am not sure from their point of view. I tried to take it as karma being paid off, but now I'm thinking it's because I think so lowly of myself that I was inviting people to do their worst to me.
It's funny, that realization *just* came to me and it doesn't cause bad feelings like I thought it would. I want to start thinking better of myself and not cover up the ick with false pretenses.
So I want to set down some ground rules for myself.
1. I am not allowed to call myself: idiotic, stupid, retarded or any other synonym of those.
2. I Can do many things, it is time to focus on what I can do and become good at them.
3. I will put more forethought and action into improving my physical being.
4. I will start keeping my home clean and uncluttered, it help me stay focused.
5. I am stopping the procrastination, Right Now. It is time to realize my dreams.
6. I am starting the "I love me" at this instant and will continue to say and believe it.
7. I will allow people to tell me their truths and believe them without looking for the other shoe.
I have been fighting to get better, it is my self-destructive pattern coming into play once more. When this behavior is learned from an early age, one does not come to a point where you say "ah I'm over that now, I need not worry about it again." It takes years of practice and reminders to stay away from those negative behaviors, learning they are there and how to prevent them from demolishing your life is only the first two steps to stopping it - practice is the third and extremely important step. One must couple that with patience and nonjudgement when you backslide from time to time, it is a difficult thing to conquer after years of it being an intrinsic part of your life.
So, no more jumping to conclusions that people are out to harm me. It doesn't mean I have to trust 100% from the get-go, but I shouldn't be doing the extreme opposite from the start either.
I will remain open and honest with myself, even when coming across something that's hard to face and not the most positive of things. I will continue to apologize when I let my paranoia get the best of me and I try to fuck things up to prove how unworthy I am. This is a bad habit that brings nothing but misery and I want to stop it, starting now.
I am worthy of happiness and those things I want the most in my life. I am worthy of love and having people in my life who appreciate me for who I am all the way.
I must repeat this to myself often.
I am worthy of love and appreciation.
I am worthy of love and appreciation.
I am worthy of love and appreciation.
If anyone reads this, I urge you to say these things to yourself as well - we are all worthy of love and appreciation, no matter what.
There is a need to be surrounded by the people I love and yet I fight it. Even when I'm out and about, I tend to stick to a corner, watching everyone else interact. A big part of it is my inability to hold a conversation with people, at least a small talk one. When I'm around my good friends, there's always plenty to discuss, but then, they are my friends for plenty of reasons and having common interests is one of those.
Over the years I have tried to be outgoing, to meet new people, to engage in social banter. With the exception of interacting with those I've known for a long period of time, it doesn't work so well. Those who stick with me, accept my odd demeanor as just a part of who I am and either overlook my "foot-in-mouth" problem or make fun of me for it in a friendly way - these people end up being the ones I call family.
Mostly we're all geeks/dorks/nerds in some capacity or another. All of us find things interesting that the general public finds boring or incomprehensible. Like my obsession with world religions, Christian history and mythology. Not many people feel they have anything to add to that kind of conversation or hold to the ole "Religion is not a proper topic of conversation." If you are discussing it in an academic way, the only way it can get heated is if you disagree on the resources used for study. That can happen from time to time, but most scholarly types are willing to say "Look, what I've found contradicts what you are saying" and then they are urged to discuss their findings and the validity of the sources. When you are discussing historical things, there is always room for new findings which contradict old theories. It happens all the time.
Some archeologist finds something, they put the pieces they have together, along with what's been found in the past and the theories attached. They then take all of this information, with a little bit of free thinking to bring their findings under the current academic umbrella and postulate their own theories. These will either be along the same lines of other scholars or something new altogether.
When it's something new altogether - you better have something really, really good to back up your ideas. It turns the whole academic society on it's head and more experts in your specific field come out to see what it is you've discovered and how you came to your conclusions and hypothesis. If everyone agrees, then a new theory is accepted and old theories which are now considered contradicted by the new are reevaluated under the new dictations of the current findings.
See? Some people would eat all that up like candy and others would get glassy eyed and start drooling on themselves with boredom.
The biggest thing for me is to not be embarrased that this is how I work as an individual and stop hiding like a criminal for fear of causing people to become bored by my interests. Of course it would help me if I didn't start looking around and stop paying attention when people are talking to me about things I find abysmally boring, I could try to show some interest. It's difficult when people talk about mundane topics or something on the "what's currently popular" list.
Nothing bores me more than being stuck in a conversation about celebrities, tv shows and what's hot today. I don't watch tv, I could care less about 99.9% of the celebrities and I Really don't care about current fads. I like being me, I like my hobbies, I like my personal style and none of that fits in with the status quo.
I am realizing that I attract a certain kind of person with my guilty outlook on life. That I bring in those who misuse, abuse and neglect me because that is what I've come to: 1. expect 2. believe I deserve 3. am comfortable with.
How can one be comfortable with being misused and abused? I have been treated poorly from day one, my folks (who are awesome now that we're all older) were parenting according to the ways they had been raised - only with trying not to repeat the more severe abuses that they endured. I can say my father never struck me in anger, he came close but he never followed through and the one time he almost did - neighbors heard us fighting, called my mother and told her to get home Right Now or else I'd end up in the hospital. Thankfully she worked only a 1/2 mile from our place and was there in no time flat. She averted my father as he was raising his fist to strike me where he had me cornered in my bedroom closet. That was the first time she came to my aid and told my father to make a decision - get his anger under control or leave us.
When this is what you know, then this is what you are comfortable with and when things aren't going in that direction, you sabotage to help it happen.
I crave attention, but when I get it I become disconcerted and wary. To many people have been nice to me, then turned around and tried to ruin my life. I mean that in a very literal sense. I've had every rumor there can be about a person, spread against me in various communities. I've had people plot against me and strike out for no reason I could ever find. Other than I had something they wanted, whether it be a possession, a job, a lover or just happiness.
Even to the point of writing anonymous letters to my employers telling them lies to try to get me fired. (By the way, sending a letter anonymously usually only makes people laugh and tell you about it. They are more suspicious of the person sending it than the person it's about.)
Why do people feel they need to do these things to me? I am not sure from their point of view. I tried to take it as karma being paid off, but now I'm thinking it's because I think so lowly of myself that I was inviting people to do their worst to me.
It's funny, that realization *just* came to me and it doesn't cause bad feelings like I thought it would. I want to start thinking better of myself and not cover up the ick with false pretenses.
So I want to set down some ground rules for myself.
1. I am not allowed to call myself: idiotic, stupid, retarded or any other synonym of those.
2. I Can do many things, it is time to focus on what I can do and become good at them.
3. I will put more forethought and action into improving my physical being.
4. I will start keeping my home clean and uncluttered, it help me stay focused.
5. I am stopping the procrastination, Right Now. It is time to realize my dreams.
6. I am starting the "I love me" at this instant and will continue to say and believe it.
7. I will allow people to tell me their truths and believe them without looking for the other shoe.
I have been fighting to get better, it is my self-destructive pattern coming into play once more. When this behavior is learned from an early age, one does not come to a point where you say "ah I'm over that now, I need not worry about it again." It takes years of practice and reminders to stay away from those negative behaviors, learning they are there and how to prevent them from demolishing your life is only the first two steps to stopping it - practice is the third and extremely important step. One must couple that with patience and nonjudgement when you backslide from time to time, it is a difficult thing to conquer after years of it being an intrinsic part of your life.
So, no more jumping to conclusions that people are out to harm me. It doesn't mean I have to trust 100% from the get-go, but I shouldn't be doing the extreme opposite from the start either.
I will remain open and honest with myself, even when coming across something that's hard to face and not the most positive of things. I will continue to apologize when I let my paranoia get the best of me and I try to fuck things up to prove how unworthy I am. This is a bad habit that brings nothing but misery and I want to stop it, starting now.
I am worthy of happiness and those things I want the most in my life. I am worthy of love and having people in my life who appreciate me for who I am all the way.
I must repeat this to myself often.
I am worthy of love and appreciation.
I am worthy of love and appreciation.
I am worthy of love and appreciation.
If anyone reads this, I urge you to say these things to yourself as well - we are all worthy of love and appreciation, no matter what.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
A Reminder
We are all worthy of love, there is no need to prove anything.
What we strive for is romantic connection, a physical manifestation of the divine love which encompasses all.
This is impossible for a finite being to fulfill, no matter how hard we try to be the all for another, we are still holding onto trappings which do not allow for this to be realized.
Therefore, romantic love is another illusion - though the need to connect feels like it is tangible - we are already connected and have just had our backs turned for so long we have forgotten.
What we strive for is romantic connection, a physical manifestation of the divine love which encompasses all.
This is impossible for a finite being to fulfill, no matter how hard we try to be the all for another, we are still holding onto trappings which do not allow for this to be realized.
Therefore, romantic love is another illusion - though the need to connect feels like it is tangible - we are already connected and have just had our backs turned for so long we have forgotten.
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