What a relief

Writing out what's going on inside is always helpful for me. There's something cleansing about getting what's in my head out in writing.

There is a need to be surrounded by the people I love and yet I fight it. Even when I'm out and about, I tend to stick to a corner, watching everyone else interact. A big part of it is my inability to hold a conversation with people, at least a small talk one. When I'm around my good friends, there's always plenty to discuss, but then, they are my friends for plenty of reasons and having common interests is one of those.

Over the years I have tried to be outgoing, to meet new people, to engage in social banter. With the exception of interacting with those I've known for a long period of time, it doesn't work so well. Those who stick with me, accept my odd demeanor as just a part of who I am and either overlook my "foot-in-mouth" problem or make fun of me for it in a friendly way - these people end up being the ones I call family.

Mostly we're all geeks/dorks/nerds in some capacity or another. All of us find things interesting that the general public finds boring or incomprehensible. Like my obsession with world religions, Christian history and mythology. Not many people feel they have anything to add to that kind of conversation or hold to the ole "Religion is not a proper topic of conversation." If you are discussing it in an academic way, the only way it can get heated is if you disagree on the resources used for study. That can happen from time to time, but most scholarly types are willing to say "Look, what I've found contradicts what you are saying" and then they are urged to discuss their findings and the validity of the sources. When you are discussing historical things, there is always room for new findings which contradict old theories. It happens all the time.

Some archeologist finds something, they put the pieces they have together, along with what's been found in the past and the theories attached. They then take all of this information, with a little bit of free thinking to bring their findings under the current academic umbrella and postulate their own theories. These will either be along the same lines of other scholars or something new altogether.

When it's something new altogether - you better have something really, really good to back up your ideas. It turns the whole academic society on it's head and more experts in your specific field come out to see what it is you've discovered and how you came to your conclusions and hypothesis. If everyone agrees, then a new theory is accepted and old theories which are now considered contradicted by the new are reevaluated under the new dictations of the current findings.

See? Some people would eat all that up like candy and others would get glassy eyed and start drooling on themselves with boredom.

The biggest thing for me is to not be embarrased that this is how I work as an individual and stop hiding like a criminal for fear of causing people to become bored by my interests. Of course it would help me if I didn't start looking around and stop paying attention when people are talking to me about things I find abysmally boring, I could try to show some interest. It's difficult when people talk about mundane topics or something on the "what's currently popular" list.

Nothing bores me more than being stuck in a conversation about celebrities, tv shows and what's hot today. I don't watch tv, I could care less about 99.9% of the celebrities and I Really don't care about current fads. I like being me, I like my hobbies, I like my personal style and none of that fits in with the status quo.

I am realizing that I attract a certain kind of person with my guilty outlook on life. That I bring in those who misuse, abuse and neglect me because that is what I've come to: 1. expect 2. believe I deserve 3. am comfortable with.

How can one be comfortable with being misused and abused? I have been treated poorly from day one, my folks (who are awesome now that we're all older) were parenting according to the ways they had been raised - only with trying not to repeat the more severe abuses that they endured. I can say my father never struck me in anger, he came close but he never followed through and the one time he almost did - neighbors heard us fighting, called my mother and told her to get home Right Now or else I'd end up in the hospital. Thankfully she worked only a 1/2 mile from our place and was there in no time flat. She averted my father as he was raising his fist to strike me where he had me cornered in my bedroom closet. That was the first time she came to my aid and told my father to make a decision - get his anger under control or leave us.

When this is what you know, then this is what you are comfortable with and when things aren't going in that direction, you sabotage to help it happen.

I crave attention, but when I get it I become disconcerted and wary. To many people have been nice to me, then turned around and tried to ruin my life. I mean that in a very literal sense. I've had every rumor there can be about a person, spread against me in various communities. I've had people plot against me and strike out for no reason I could ever find. Other than I had something they wanted, whether it be a possession, a job, a lover or just happiness.

Even to the point of writing anonymous letters to my employers telling them lies to try to get me fired. (By the way, sending a letter anonymously usually only makes people laugh and tell you about it. They are more suspicious of the person sending it than the person it's about.)

Why do people feel they need to do these things to me? I am not sure from their point of view. I tried to take it as karma being paid off, but now I'm thinking it's because I think so lowly of myself that I was inviting people to do their worst to me.

It's funny, that realization *just* came to me and it doesn't cause bad feelings like I thought it would. I want to start thinking better of myself and not cover up the ick with false pretenses.

So I want to set down some ground rules for myself.
1. I am not allowed to call myself: idiotic, stupid, retarded or any other synonym of those.
2. I Can do many things, it is time to focus on what I can do and become good at them.
3. I will put more forethought and action into improving my physical being.
4. I will start keeping my home clean and uncluttered, it help me stay focused.
5. I am stopping the procrastination, Right Now. It is time to realize my dreams.
6. I am starting the "I love me" at this instant and will continue to say and believe it.
7. I will allow people to tell me their truths and believe them without looking for the other shoe.

I have been fighting to get better, it is my self-destructive pattern coming into play once more. When this behavior is learned from an early age, one does not come to a point where you say "ah I'm over that now, I need not worry about it again." It takes years of practice and reminders to stay away from those negative behaviors, learning they are there and how to prevent them from demolishing your life is only the first two steps to stopping it - practice is the third and extremely important step. One must couple that with patience and nonjudgement when you backslide from time to time, it is a difficult thing to conquer after years of it being an intrinsic part of your life.

So, no more jumping to conclusions that people are out to harm me. It doesn't mean I have to trust 100% from the get-go, but I shouldn't be doing the extreme opposite from the start either.

I will remain open and honest with myself, even when coming across something that's hard to face and not the most positive of things. I will continue to apologize when I let my paranoia get the best of me and I try to fuck things up to prove how unworthy I am. This is a bad habit that brings nothing but misery and I want to stop it, starting now.

I am worthy of happiness and those things I want the most in my life. I am worthy of love and having people in my life who appreciate me for who I am all the way.

I must repeat this to myself often.

I am worthy of love and appreciation.
I am worthy of love and appreciation.
I am worthy of love and appreciation.

If anyone reads this, I urge you to say these things to yourself as well - we are all worthy of love and appreciation, no matter what.