Brain blockage

So if you get into neurology and peptides and neural pathways and all that jazz, you'll probably get what I'm going to talk about.

I'm dealing with a brain blockage, it comes from repeating something and getting a negative emotion from doing it. I'll use my problems with mathematics as an example.

I have always had issues figuring out math, the formulas don't make sense when they are discussed in that field. However, I can usually do the math automatically when it comes to music. Now if I stop to think about the math in music, I get all messed up and my brain sends a message saying "This hurts, stop now."

I had painful experiences around learning math from grade school up, just as I had the same kinds of experiences learning the mechanics of grammar (which I have a better grasp of now that I've had a most excellent teacher to show it to me in a different way.)

After years in the public school systems here, where the teachers just don't have the time to figure out different ways to teach kids with subject issues like myself and failing algebra twice in high school - I was eventually siphoned down to crap mathematics classes - how to do your basic taxes, etc. In those classes, there was nothing too complex mathematically to learn, it was just applying basic math to complex paperwork.

So my teachers brushed me off or told me I was lazy, the administration and my folks didn't know what to do with me - hence, they dropped me in the dumb kids math classes and called it good. I was treated like this until college, where I HAD to pass advanced math classes in order to get a degree. I applied myself to learning it for the first time in years and failed miserably. I was yet again brushed off or told I was being lazy and that anyone could understand the formulas.

So now my psyche adds that I am too stupid to understand what everyone else can get easily.

This is a repeated action which resulted in negative emotion (reaction); this causes the neurons to fire in specific patterns which then release the peptides associated with negative emotions. It becomes a neural pattern or habit. You say math to me, my brain takes that and sends the info to my hippocampus (the part of the brain which stores memory) for memory references which then follow the habitual pattern ingrained by years of repeated action/reaction within the amygdala (the part of the brain which deals with emotions.)

To be more specific, the hippocampus of the brain works in conjunction with the amygdala, bringing traumatic memories together with strong negative emotions. This is thought to happen because negative experiences bring about the survival instincts where our negative emotions come from. (Without fear, anxiety, anger, etc. - we would not be able to differentiate between what's good for us and what's bad, causing us to not be able to react in a way of survival during harmful situations.)

It takes consciously "rewiring" the brain to reverse this pattern into a positive reaction. But you must replace the first traumatic memories with newer positive ones. Hence why I was able to finally grasp grammatical mechanics in college after years of complete imcomprehension - I had positive experiences with a really amazing professor which overwrote the traumatic experiences with my high school teachers. (Those people were doozies...)

So, I have this negative memory/emotion patterned reaction to the topic of math. All I need is positive experiences where I am able to comprehend it and the block will be gone, replaced by at least a like of the subject. It may sound magical and instantaneous, however, it takes more than one new positive memory to foster this radical change in neurochemistry.

I am trying my damnedest to work past these blocks. Within this neural formula is the means for anyone to get past fears, anxiety, anger, self-destructive patterns, etc.

Self-destructive patterns are interesting. It seems that when all one experiences is negativity on a large scale for many years, the amygdala can actually use these patterns to bring about positive feelings instead. Or at least the basic functions of lust, comfort and security. Hence why some people enjoy SadoMasochistic behavior and experiences.

So how does one find the positive experiences to replace the negative ones? By taking chances, risks even (and it does feel like a survival risk due to the patterned response connection between hippocampus and amygdala.) By pushing past the knee jerk negative emotion reaction and trying to create a more positive replacement. Or you find someone who has the ability, patience and understanding to bring a little light on the subject, helping you to understand it without any emotional pain involved.

Now when the positive begins to happen, many times we confuse the good feelings which come with this, with infatuation for the person who helped to foster it. The old crush on teacher thing. It's really flattering for the teacher, they have brought about a positive experience for thier student hopefully bringing about a breakthrough in their learning process, but they must recognize the infatuation for what it is.

...

I've been blathering on about all this for a while and I'm tired now.
I've proven a point to myself, a positive experience resulting from me taking a risk. I wanted to prove to myself that I am smart enough to understand mathematics. If I can understand neuroscience, even on a small scale - I can get math. :)

One new memory with good feelings attached down, several more to go. Now if I could just find someone who is able to teach me algebraic formulas in a way I get - I'll be golden.

(You may be wondering why I'm so keen on learning higher maths - my dreams involve engineering, clockworks, mechanics, robotics, welding, chemisty... all these things are needed in my noggin in order for me to realize them and if I understand math, this path of learning will be much easier.)