Mysterious Ways

The universe (or God or Goddess or whatever you want to call it) works in mystery, at least to us it is in ways which are mysterious and enigmatic wrapped in a tortilla shell made out of stars.

I have been having an honest communication with a friend of mine. This means we lay out exactly what's on our minds, without the tiptoeing most people require. I can be harsh as most people know, if nothing else I'm a little abrasive and my some of my edges are a little pointy just naturally. Think of it as part of my eccentric charm. Heh.

So as I was writing a response to her this morning, the words I have been searching for within my current spiritual dillemma came forth. Much of it is shocking to me, I didn't realize that this was going on in my noggin, but it makes sense.

So I'm going to share the gist of this email (leaving out the personal parts for the sake of my friend's privacy since she runs a community spiritual healing center.)

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I need to focus on my inner rituals and accept my inner divinity right now, instead of going to outer rituals and focusing on the outer aspects of what is within me. Essentially, I need to tear the face off the goddess and place it on my head instead, this is a very private thing at the beginning and I'm kind of in new territory altogether here.

It is no longer ok for me to acknowledge my inner divinity in a round about way, the gods and goddesses are simply anthropomorphic versions of the different aspects of the divine within us, they exist in order to distance ourselves to help with the acceptance of that aspect in our lives.

We limit our divinity with our humanity and do not believe we Are the actual gods - that would be too disappointing for the majority of the species, to find that the Divine is so fallible and finite. But if it is all things, then it is this as well as infallible and infinite. All things need a paradox, a balance to exist.

I can no longer make that separation and feel right about it, I don't know what changed or why and I don't look down on anyone else for doing things this way, I'm confused enough without putting that into the mix.

There is also that I spent so many years going to rituals and running rituals, it's lost all meaning to me and no longer nourishes my spirit. This is a sad thing and it is something I need to face. The loss is not in the rituals or the people involved, it is within myself. Possibly the lack of separation and the confusion are big factors in this, I am a jumble of questions right now and my subconsciousness has been in overdrive for almost a year, but I can't remember what's going on in my Dreaming.

I'm stepping into the unknown and it's frightening and exciting all at the same time, I feel like I'm accelerating and retarding simultaneously and I don't understand it, I'm starting to feel like cosmic taffy here.

I'm glad that you respect that some women do not feel comfortable in women's gatherings, I have been puzzled by my discomfort for a while and lamenting that I'm so disassociated from my womanhood. It's painful to be in the presence of only women, which is why after being in the women's circles I search out the men so quickly. Women's gatherings remind me that I don't... there's a word that I can't find. It is like being shown how wonderful it is to be a woman and revel in it, but still remain on the outside without being able to get there no matter what you do. Why don't I feel like a woman? I wish I knew, but I know I'm not the only one who feels like this in the world. And it's not that I feel like I'm a man trapped in a woman's body either. It's like I'm neuter, while still having all of my female parts. It's a very dead feeling and isolating from our entire gender. Maybe this is why I want another child, to prove to myself that I am indeed a woman, but I've already proven that with my first child so obviously that is not the answer.

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There's more to the email of course, it's just none of anyone's business but hers and mine.

This answers questions and simultaneously creates more.
I need to think on it for a while and not in a writing sense right now, I feel like I'm going to start writing in loops. I need to research this idea of separation between ourselves and our inherent full divinity a lot more.

Hmmm