Bat Country

My demons have come out to play, swamping me like imaginary bats on the desert highway to Vegas.

There are patterns in my life:
People who demand my everything and then only give 1/4 of that back is a main one.
Men who aren't available and don't want kids, who then marry the next woman they sleep with and have children with them.
Cheating husbands with frigid wives who seek me out romantically.
Men who cling to me like a toddler to his mother's skirts and conversely treat me like their 19050s housewife.
Women who can't stand how I can be so fucking strong and end up being worse than an enemy by the end of the friendship.
Women who befriend me and ask for my all, but when I need a friend their boy toys and sex always come first.
Women who are close to me, then get angry over an imagined slight and seduce my beaus to them, get knocked up by my now ex and marry them - just to spite me.
People who abuse my good nature, want to help and availability to their own ends and then discard me when I start wanting my own projects to take a front seat.

Within all of this, there is one constant - me.
So I draw these kinds of people to me and I'm tired of it.
I'm tired of dealing with the assholes and the bigots and the insecure who need a mommy to make them feel better about themselves.
I'm tired of the prima donnas who insist on being first with everything and everyone.
I'm tired of watching people be nasty to each other behind backs and then sickening nice to each other's faces.
I'm tired of the lies and deceit.
I'm tired of being second.
I'm tired of not being able to be in one single Good relationship.
I'm tired of being me and so now it's time to be a new me.

How do I go about that?
Stop procrastinating for one and do the things I need to do to be the person I dream of.
Either that or perform my own Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
I have no real want to do Anything at the moment and yet I am restless to do something.
What that is, I have no idea.

So I'm going to give myself a break and stop feeling guilty for taking time off of life in general. I need this time to get myself together, to create a new Moon and something like this can't be rushed. I can take a vacation, a real one and understand that it is not a permanent thing.

I will not always look at my reflection and wonder what happened to the beautiful girl every man wanted. Eventually I will be happy with myself again. I feel like Samson at the moment, cut off all of my hair and my strength is gone, as well as my beauty according to my eyes. I am regretting cutting off my dreads, but regret doesn't improve anything and it keeps us looking at the wrong point in time - which is anywhere but right now.

I am going to turn off my romance switch for now and concentrate on romancing myself. On loving myself once more, I was doing really well there for a while - I can get back to that level and beyond, I just need to give myself a break.

The more pressure I put on myself to do things on my life's list, the more I procrastinate and feel poorly about all of it.

So it's time to take the pressure off and realize that taking care of myself should always be #1 on that list. If I don't do that, everything else is based on a fallacy.