Mysterious Ways

The universe (or God or Goddess or whatever you want to call it) works in mystery, at least to us it is in ways which are mysterious and enigmatic wrapped in a tortilla shell made out of stars.

I have been having an honest communication with a friend of mine. This means we lay out exactly what's on our minds, without the tiptoeing most people require. I can be harsh as most people know, if nothing else I'm a little abrasive and my some of my edges are a little pointy just naturally. Think of it as part of my eccentric charm. Heh.

So as I was writing a response to her this morning, the words I have been searching for within my current spiritual dillemma came forth. Much of it is shocking to me, I didn't realize that this was going on in my noggin, but it makes sense.

So I'm going to share the gist of this email (leaving out the personal parts for the sake of my friend's privacy since she runs a community spiritual healing center.)

...............................................................

I need to focus on my inner rituals and accept my inner divinity right now, instead of going to outer rituals and focusing on the outer aspects of what is within me. Essentially, I need to tear the face off the goddess and place it on my head instead, this is a very private thing at the beginning and I'm kind of in new territory altogether here.

It is no longer ok for me to acknowledge my inner divinity in a round about way, the gods and goddesses are simply anthropomorphic versions of the different aspects of the divine within us, they exist in order to distance ourselves to help with the acceptance of that aspect in our lives.

We limit our divinity with our humanity and do not believe we Are the actual gods - that would be too disappointing for the majority of the species, to find that the Divine is so fallible and finite. But if it is all things, then it is this as well as infallible and infinite. All things need a paradox, a balance to exist.

I can no longer make that separation and feel right about it, I don't know what changed or why and I don't look down on anyone else for doing things this way, I'm confused enough without putting that into the mix.

There is also that I spent so many years going to rituals and running rituals, it's lost all meaning to me and no longer nourishes my spirit. This is a sad thing and it is something I need to face. The loss is not in the rituals or the people involved, it is within myself. Possibly the lack of separation and the confusion are big factors in this, I am a jumble of questions right now and my subconsciousness has been in overdrive for almost a year, but I can't remember what's going on in my Dreaming.

I'm stepping into the unknown and it's frightening and exciting all at the same time, I feel like I'm accelerating and retarding simultaneously and I don't understand it, I'm starting to feel like cosmic taffy here.

I'm glad that you respect that some women do not feel comfortable in women's gatherings, I have been puzzled by my discomfort for a while and lamenting that I'm so disassociated from my womanhood. It's painful to be in the presence of only women, which is why after being in the women's circles I search out the men so quickly. Women's gatherings remind me that I don't... there's a word that I can't find. It is like being shown how wonderful it is to be a woman and revel in it, but still remain on the outside without being able to get there no matter what you do. Why don't I feel like a woman? I wish I knew, but I know I'm not the only one who feels like this in the world. And it's not that I feel like I'm a man trapped in a woman's body either. It's like I'm neuter, while still having all of my female parts. It's a very dead feeling and isolating from our entire gender. Maybe this is why I want another child, to prove to myself that I am indeed a woman, but I've already proven that with my first child so obviously that is not the answer.

..............................................

There's more to the email of course, it's just none of anyone's business but hers and mine.

This answers questions and simultaneously creates more.
I need to think on it for a while and not in a writing sense right now, I feel like I'm going to start writing in loops. I need to research this idea of separation between ourselves and our inherent full divinity a lot more.

Hmmm

The Dreaming

I work in dreams, it's one of the reasons I started my own amateur studies on neuroscience. To be able to understand the processes of the brain, in order to have a scientific grounding to a metascience field.

The subconscious is as close as we get to being omnipotent and omniscient, it does a fairly good job with it as well. At least within our own individual subjective inner worlds, but since in reality that is truly all we have - it's a big thing. Our sensory organs do not have filters, those are within the brain itself, all info on all levels enters our sensory organs the brain processes it, filters out what the consciousness does not need to function and stores the rest. All this happens so fast we are not consciously aware of it. (Sorry, little brain pun there. heh)

The subconscious has an eidetic memory of every single thing we experience, even those experiences that are filtered out. I believe that our consciousness talks to us about all the things it filtered out during the day as we sleep, it's why our dreams sometimes reflect our days but with odd twists or focuses on different details than the ones we were occupied with while awake. It's why we can search for something we've lost around the house for days and then dream of it's whereabouts and upon waking find the dream was 100% correct. Or why when we have a difficult problem we need to find a solution to, but are struggling to put all the pieces together, that in a dream it can all be laid out in perfectly understandable terms, leading (if you remember the dream upon waking) to solving a major problem in one night's sleep.

Our subconscious loves playing jigsaw puzzle with the trillions of bits of information it takes in, putting in things that it filtered out during the day as unnecessary information for the consciousness at the moment. Like say, a conversation co-workers are having in the background which contains a pertinent piece of information which would aid in your current project but at the moment of their conversation, which happened just out of conscious ear range, you didn't know you needed it. Once you are asleep and it's time for your subconscious to take the reigns, it can access that previously ignored info and piece it into the rest of your puzzle.

The same goes with internal issues, dreams reflect any turmoil, anxiety, confusion, fear, sadness, etc., etc. so that the subconscious can look at it from many different angles and figure out what it's really all about. It's the ultimate psychiatrist (unless the subconscious is "broken" as well, which is considered by today's terms true insanity, but that's a different subject.)

I have been blocked from seeing most of what's going on in my subconscious for almost a year now, it's part of my frustration and depression. It's like chopping off a limb arbitrarily and saying that I can have it back some other arbitrary point in the future, but please, act like nothing's wrong until then. The only thing I'm allowed to know about my Dreaming times is the overwhelming feeling that they are very intense, extremely lucid and almost like I'm living two separate but very real lives, one in this waking reality and one in my subconscious's reality. Kind of like Clark Kent and Superman.

For someone who works in the Dreaming, this is extremely frustrating.

I just had a flash from the depths, thanks subcon... if I was to explain what it was in my terms, many would write me off as another new age looney. So I'll take a different route to explaining it. Basically I was having nightmares a year ago regarding a man whom I allowed to break my heart, then crush it to a fine powder and in order to get them to stop I took measures to protect myself by not being able to remember them upon waking. In essence, I put up an extra filter between consciousness and subconsciousness which blocked the specific kind of communication between the two which allows for dreams to be remembered.

Though there's the warning that suddenly being able to remember my dreams again fully may not be the most pleasant of experiences - I think this is just one of those warning klaxons placed to remind oneself to be Very sure about proceeding further. Kind of like Hal in 2001: Space Odyssey - trying to warn Dave away from turning him off - leaving this filter on would cause more harm than good in the long run.

I must say I had one dream tonight (I've already been to bed and slept for 5 hours) that woke me up in the middle of it with the urge to act immediately on the solution it gave me to an issue with a friend. I got up and thought about it when the urge to write the proscribed email hit me in a wave once more and so I got up and wrote it, exactly as I was shown in my dream. What happened in the dream before that I don't know, what else I dreamed in those 5 hours I don't remember either, but just the act of remembering that part so succinctly is wonderful to me.

It's the reason I started writing this entry actually, so two good things out of my subconscious from one partial dream. Man, if we could just believe in our subconscious's abilities we would become nie on supermen ourselves, it's probably a good thing there's so many filters between it and the consciousness.

Maybe part of our next evolution is tapping further into our subconscious and dropping some of the extraneous filters we have up. It's a thought.

For more info on lucid dreaming go here: http://www.dreamviews.com/

Brain blockage

So if you get into neurology and peptides and neural pathways and all that jazz, you'll probably get what I'm going to talk about.

I'm dealing with a brain blockage, it comes from repeating something and getting a negative emotion from doing it. I'll use my problems with mathematics as an example.

I have always had issues figuring out math, the formulas don't make sense when they are discussed in that field. However, I can usually do the math automatically when it comes to music. Now if I stop to think about the math in music, I get all messed up and my brain sends a message saying "This hurts, stop now."

I had painful experiences around learning math from grade school up, just as I had the same kinds of experiences learning the mechanics of grammar (which I have a better grasp of now that I've had a most excellent teacher to show it to me in a different way.)

After years in the public school systems here, where the teachers just don't have the time to figure out different ways to teach kids with subject issues like myself and failing algebra twice in high school - I was eventually siphoned down to crap mathematics classes - how to do your basic taxes, etc. In those classes, there was nothing too complex mathematically to learn, it was just applying basic math to complex paperwork.

So my teachers brushed me off or told me I was lazy, the administration and my folks didn't know what to do with me - hence, they dropped me in the dumb kids math classes and called it good. I was treated like this until college, where I HAD to pass advanced math classes in order to get a degree. I applied myself to learning it for the first time in years and failed miserably. I was yet again brushed off or told I was being lazy and that anyone could understand the formulas.

So now my psyche adds that I am too stupid to understand what everyone else can get easily.

This is a repeated action which resulted in negative emotion (reaction); this causes the neurons to fire in specific patterns which then release the peptides associated with negative emotions. It becomes a neural pattern or habit. You say math to me, my brain takes that and sends the info to my hippocampus (the part of the brain which stores memory) for memory references which then follow the habitual pattern ingrained by years of repeated action/reaction within the amygdala (the part of the brain which deals with emotions.)

To be more specific, the hippocampus of the brain works in conjunction with the amygdala, bringing traumatic memories together with strong negative emotions. This is thought to happen because negative experiences bring about the survival instincts where our negative emotions come from. (Without fear, anxiety, anger, etc. - we would not be able to differentiate between what's good for us and what's bad, causing us to not be able to react in a way of survival during harmful situations.)

It takes consciously "rewiring" the brain to reverse this pattern into a positive reaction. But you must replace the first traumatic memories with newer positive ones. Hence why I was able to finally grasp grammatical mechanics in college after years of complete imcomprehension - I had positive experiences with a really amazing professor which overwrote the traumatic experiences with my high school teachers. (Those people were doozies...)

So, I have this negative memory/emotion patterned reaction to the topic of math. All I need is positive experiences where I am able to comprehend it and the block will be gone, replaced by at least a like of the subject. It may sound magical and instantaneous, however, it takes more than one new positive memory to foster this radical change in neurochemistry.

I am trying my damnedest to work past these blocks. Within this neural formula is the means for anyone to get past fears, anxiety, anger, self-destructive patterns, etc.

Self-destructive patterns are interesting. It seems that when all one experiences is negativity on a large scale for many years, the amygdala can actually use these patterns to bring about positive feelings instead. Or at least the basic functions of lust, comfort and security. Hence why some people enjoy SadoMasochistic behavior and experiences.

So how does one find the positive experiences to replace the negative ones? By taking chances, risks even (and it does feel like a survival risk due to the patterned response connection between hippocampus and amygdala.) By pushing past the knee jerk negative emotion reaction and trying to create a more positive replacement. Or you find someone who has the ability, patience and understanding to bring a little light on the subject, helping you to understand it without any emotional pain involved.

Now when the positive begins to happen, many times we confuse the good feelings which come with this, with infatuation for the person who helped to foster it. The old crush on teacher thing. It's really flattering for the teacher, they have brought about a positive experience for thier student hopefully bringing about a breakthrough in their learning process, but they must recognize the infatuation for what it is.

...

I've been blathering on about all this for a while and I'm tired now.
I've proven a point to myself, a positive experience resulting from me taking a risk. I wanted to prove to myself that I am smart enough to understand mathematics. If I can understand neuroscience, even on a small scale - I can get math. :)

One new memory with good feelings attached down, several more to go. Now if I could just find someone who is able to teach me algebraic formulas in a way I get - I'll be golden.

(You may be wondering why I'm so keen on learning higher maths - my dreams involve engineering, clockworks, mechanics, robotics, welding, chemisty... all these things are needed in my noggin in order for me to realize them and if I understand math, this path of learning will be much easier.)

Reminders from a good friend

From the minds of masters...

Buddhavision

"See everybody as the Buddha. When you are stuck in a traffic jam on the Los Angeles freeway, can you look at all the other drivers, particularly the ones who are weaving in and out of lanes, and see them as the Buddha? In a work situation, if you have a particularly cantankerous boss who you think is a complete idiot, can you look at that person as the Buddha? As a manager, can you see the person who is working for you as the Buddha?"

--Gerry Shishin Wick Sensei, Tricycle: The Buddhist Review Summer 1996
from Everyday Mind, edited by Jean Smith, a Tricycle book

and:

The True Nature of Happiness

Lack of understanding of the true nature of happiness, it seems to me, is the principal reason why people inflict sufferings on others. They think either that the other's pain may somehow be a cause of happiness for themselves or that their own happiness is more important, regardless of what pain it may cause. But this is shortsighted: no one truly benefits from causing harm to another sentient being. Whatever immediate advantage is gained at the expense of someone else is shortlived. In the long run, causing others misery and infringing their rights to peace and happiness result in anxiety, fear, and suspicion within oneself. Such feelings undermine the peace of mind and contentment which are the marks of happiness.

True happiness comes not from a limited concern for one's own well-being, or that of those one feels close to, but from developing love and compassion for all sentient beings. Here, love means wishing that all sentient beings should find happiness, and compassion means wishing that they should all be free of suffering. The development of this attitude gives rise to a sense of openness and trust that provides the basis for peace.

--The Dalai Lama, from The Dalai Lama: A Policy of Kindness, edited by Sidney Piburn
from Everyday Mind, edited by Jean Smith, a Tricycle book

and:

People We'd Rather Avoid

Metta (lovingkindness) is to be extended towards all beings and all manifestations, yet most of our difficulties lie with people. It is much easier to love birds, dogs, cats, and trees than it is to love people. Trees and animals don't answer back, but people do, so this is where our training commences. . . . Sometimes people find they don't feel anything while practicing metta meditation. That is nothing to worry about; thoughts aimed often enough in the right direction eventually produce the feelings. All our sense contacts produce feelings. Thoughts are the sixth sense, and even if we are only thinking metta, eventually the feeling will arise. It is one means of helping us to gain this heart quality, but certainly not the only one.

In our daily activities all of us are confronted with other people and often with those whom we would rather avoid. These are our challenges, lessons and tests. If we consider them in that manner we won't be so irritated by these experiences. . . . When we realize that such a confrontation is exactly what we need at that moment in order to overcome resistance and negativity and substitute metta for those emotions, then we will be grateful for the opportunity.

--Ayya Khema, in When the Iron Eagle Flies
from Everyday Mind, edited by Jean Smith, a Tricycle book

yet another:

What Right Speech Means

Right speech means abstention (1) from telling lies, (2) from backbiting and slander and talk that may bring about hatred, enmity, disunity and disharmony among individuals or groups of people, (3) from harsh, rude, impolite, malicious and abusive language, and (4) from idle, useless and foolish babble and gossip. When one abstains from these forms of wrong and harmful speech one naturally has to speak the truth, has to use words that are friendly and benevolent, pleasant and gentle, meaningful and useful. One should not speak carelessly: speech should, be at the right time and place. If one cannot say something useful, one should keep "noble silence."

--Walpola Rahula, What the Buddha Taught

from Everyday Mind, edited by Jean Smith, a Tricycle book

Habits are hard to break

I basically made a vow to leave people to their opinions and assumptions, to not get angry when they skew something I say and take it way out of context. We are fallible after all, to err is human and all that.

And yet, not even 24hrs after I make this decision I get angry and serve some people a little anger pie. sigh

I must not judge myself too harshly, I am trying something new and it's easier to slip than to stay on course. The more I exercise it, the easier it will become - right?

I'm just tired of people assuming the worst instead of the best. When will we learn as a species? All I can do is work towards this myself and hope that others are doing the same.

Of course, there's the whole bringing the truth to light and gently telling people that they have assumed the worst and that they are way off context and out of line. I just don't know how to do this yet and so it is better to stay silent than to go off on people like a loose cannon.

I am trying with all of my might to not be afraid that I cannot learn this. I can learn anything I set my mind to, right? I can learn anything I set my mind to - that should be my new motto.

Anyone out there think they can teach me math? Algebra level and beyond that is. I could probably use a refresher on fractions too. I get geometry, maybe it's because I have a symbol to show me what's being worked out... is there a way to mix geometry with algebra to get the formulas to make sense?

I really, really, really want to not be so bad at math, I want to get beyond this limitation. It's the only reason I didn't get my degree after all. All I had to do was pass my math courses and I wasn't able to, so I left college with no degree after 4 years of trying to just get an associates in the arts.

I told myself I could do it, I made a real effort to understand it and when I hit a brick wall, I went to the tutors supplied by the school. I was told "how can you not get this, it's so easy? You're just not trying." Everyone thought I was just being lazy and wouldn't help me, none of them believed that I really didn't understand one bit of it. So I quit, after trying 3 times to pass algebra and failing miserably each time - I figured I just don't have the right mind to understand it.

So this is the same thing only in a different context. I have a hard time with my anger, it was the first and main emotion I learned, it was my knee jerk survival reaction from an early age. Fight fire with fire, right? I've gone to therapy for it, I've learned techniques, skills, meditations, mantras - all to get this part of me to not be the ruling part. I am not as angry as I once was, it has calmed down to mostly reactions to people's stupidity in assumptions. Where as it used to be I was angry at the world at large with no differentiations between anything.

I haven't figured out the formula on telling people they've got it wrong without being a bitch about it. So, I just have to have faith that either I'll one day have an "ah-ha!" moment or someone will say something which will bring about the same effect.

Until then, I need to keep my mouth shut, else I dump misery on both my heads and those around me.

Nice

I'm so content right now.
I realized today that I've finally accepted my need to learn better interpersonal habits, better romance habits and new ways of looking at the whole enchilada.
I don't attract just the bigoted, alcoholic assholes of the world as I was starting to think.
I need to become comfortable with me, as in with this new me that I'm discovering.
It's one thing to change, it's a whole other game accepting the change 100%.

I don't need the guilt I lay on myself for being "abnormal" and I am so much happier when I'm not being an opinionated know-it-all.

Still need to work on asking people to repeat themselves when I can't hear them, instead of nodding and then accidentally changing the subject mid-topic. (Which happens more often than I'd like to admit.)

One of these days I'll get to go to eye and ear doctors to see how the deterioration is doing. It's not hypochondria or paranoia with these, I'm losing my wonderful sight and after years of clubs and big underground parties with music at deafening levels - my hearing is going as well.

Anyway, I was checking up on the 2 different dating sites I have profiles on and realized that I don't want to be on them anymore. I don't want to date anyone at the moment, I just want to improve my current friendships and learn how to accept myself 100%.

Good revelations

What to write? There's too much right now going through my brain.

I am learning new things about me, good things this time.

I spent all weekend with a new friend, he's great and we had a lot of fun. Everything is so comfortable around him, it's an extremely rare thing for me - I always feel awkward, even around my close friends most of the time. Either he is too polite to speak when I am annoying or he's one of the most patient and understanding people I have met in forever. (Hi! Thanks again!)

It's an odd sensation to spend so much time in constant company with one person and not go into the "I need space!" freak out. I didn't feel the urge to correct or explain myself in simple terms or repeat myself over and over to get a point across. I think I've been hanging out with guys who don't have as much in the braincase as I do, being around one who most likely has more upstairs than me is such a breath of fresh air.

(And for my girlfriends reading this - Hi Ethel! No, we're not dating or making with the sweet lovins, I think he's going to be an awesome friend for a long time. Yes, we've talked about it and I feel safe in saying this with certainty. :)

And he doesn't cling! (snoopy dance) He's an awesome companion to hang out with and wander around doing geeky stuff with. I'm relaxed in his company at all times, this is a first for me, usually it takes me a long, long time to get over my awkwardness with new people in my life.

(You know, M, it feels weird talking about this knowing you'll be reading it... I refuse to stop being open on this blog though, I hope it's okay with you.)

So I'm not adverse to being around someone for a long period of time - it's just been a while since I've met someone new whom I feel able to do so with. There are a few others I can be around for long stretches with no problems, like my good friend Xander - we've traveled together so often we have a routine and pattern down to save sanity. There's also my friend Bobzilla who lives in Berkley - we have a ton of fun together, no strings or expectations. I think I wear on my girlfriends' nerves a bit after a while, I'm kinda high strung. ;)

I'm really tired from the weekend and my back hurts from sleeping on an old single mattress on the floor last night.

I'm going to get over my aversion to public transportation. I think I'm going to get an mp3 player, maybe I can ask for one for Christmas - the not-an-ipods are cheaper now. Though I've already asked for a trip to the optomitrist and help with buying glasses if I need them. Which is more important. Maybe I can sell a painting to get the money for a player... I think having a sound barrier between me and the other passengers would help tremendously. That way I can't hear the abuse they heap on each other and if I've got my nose in a book, I won't see it either. It's pathetic that I want to be able to ignore prejudice behavior instead of confronting it - but I'm tired of confrontation.

...

I'm tired of confrontation. So why do I keep confronting people? Hmmm. Maybe it's time to lay off for a while and just let people be. I think I'm going to be quiet on my disgruntled problems and see how that goes for me.

Ok I'm exhausted and can't type very well at the moment, my OCD editing is making this take for freakin' ever to write too. X)

Till next time, same bat time, same bat channel.