Ego Boosting

I was having this conversation with a friend of mine and she pointed at a sore spot, then poked it. Quite by accident, mind you, she doesn't know me well enough yet to know that this is habitual for me.

I fall in love with every person I befriend. Male or female. It's not romantic, but yet it is because they are the ones I experience intimacy with. Not sex, that's not always intimate. But the ones I relax completely around, whom I share my heart with like two kids flopped facedown on the bed together exchanging secret gifts. Whom I hold up as fantastic human beings and my favorite people in the world. In the process I do what most Aries do, I give them genuine ego boosts. Because my praise is genuine and from the heart.

But there have been those who have seen this and taken advantage of it. Seeing how poorly they can treat me before I break. I'm more wary now, easier to frighten and I can't tell friend from foe. This is a sad thing, I want to give praise as a piece of the vision I see not to keep my friends. And when I look around me, I see glorious beings who are amazing, compassionate, generous, kind, talented, intelligent, humorous. Why can't I sing their praises? It is not to stroke the ego, it's to share a gleaming of what I see in hopes that they'll see it in themselves too. Because compliments should be a sharing of visions of beauty, to let them see themselves through your eyes.

Not an ego stroking session.

I'm going to let go of that, what I do, I do from the heart and if others choose to use that however it is they decide - that's all them. I don't have to break, though I reserve the right to show you the shadows I see as well. I see the whole vision, with each person in my life. Not their entire being, though in a metaphysical way - we are all one = I would know their entire being, but it's like an aura.

That's one of the things that tears me apart when I recognize someones using me for less than good reasons. Like thinking they are doing me a favor by being my friend, and using my enthusiasm for engineering their projects. Using my skills for their gains only and overdoing it.
So I can give freely, but it doesn't mean I'm stupid. It means I'm not going to bow away from what I see but I'm also not going to be a doormat.

I have many soul-brothers. I'd say around 40 or 50 of them. All over the world. They are men who have become my friends and are dedicated to me as their sister. But if you are my brother, I can rain the praises down whenever I wish and it doesn't mean anything more than sisterly love. If you are my lover, then the lines blur a bit. Especially the ones who stand on the line between the two. I am not deferential, I openly love every one of my friends and praise them all often, I love all of my lovers of the past and praise them as well.

It is always the man standing newly in front of me who is balanced between would-be lover and possible brother, which causes me to become confused and unsure of it all. And the men who purposely wedge themselves into that space for extended periods, then withdraw until I call out for them and do it again. Wash, rinse, repeat. These are the ones who hurt me and I swore after Gustav and then Edward - never again would I allow that in my life. For when my sweet angel face cracks and the kali underneath comes out, that relationship is over. So many men hope for the perfect woman who holds a glamoured mirror up to them and think that is happiness and love. It isn't, it's only one side of it. You have to reflect back and build each other up as a unit or it'll all come crashing down.

So, is it that I need more praise myself? I must ask this question. No. There is only so far a relationship can go when only one side is doing all the giving. Thankfully there are not too many people I've met who are 100% takers. Usually they are out of my life quickly.

I need to reread this and think some more.