My Silent Irony

I prefer silence in my home when I'm alone, no music, no tv - just the hums and clicks of the place, the cat talking to me, the occasional *bloop* as the fish does flips out of the top of the water.

I am the silent one when we're all out and about, I sit and listen, I don't contribute much to conversations - usually back in the shadows watching people. Not good at small talk, so I found that being a listener is almost as good (except with people expect me to take a fuller part in their dialog and turn it into a conversation... 9 times out of 10 I ruin it with some oddball comment, they look at me weird and excuse themselves from my company as quickly as possible.)

Hence I prefer the company of other quiet ones, silence doesn't really bother people like us. It's a comfort thing, to have someone there and not Need to constantly talk. Sometimes I babble when others are at my place and it's just the two of us, because I talk outloud to Faust while I'm cooking or housecleaning - it's an old habit from the days of Donovan. When you're a hermit, sometimes even hearing your own voice relieves heavy feelings of aloneness.

It's kind of redundant to say that my conversational skills when it comes to mundane things are not very good at all.

But I have a fear of silence from others. I have been put into the hole of silence so many times, overlooked and ignored, left behind with no word of farewell, no closure, no indication of why they walked away. My last big love did this to me in 07, the last thing I heard from him was "give me a few days, I'll call you and we can talk about all this."

Then the silence began and stretched into eternity. I'm still trying to shake the sorrowful blanket his silence wrapped around me and held me so fiercely in it's clutches. I almost went insane in the beginning, wanting to say goodbye or why or I'm sorry or AnyThing. But all I got was more silence every time I tried. So I turned off my head and buried myself in my sorrow, the year of death was hard - an underlying constant drag of claws across my gut in the midst of this encompassing silence. (The year of death refers to the 18 months where 10 people in my life died between 06 and 07.)

I am trying to get past this, I really, really am trying the hardest to get past this. It's a patten that breaks my heart repeatedly ad nauseum. I was left in silence in my bedroom for hours at a time as a toddler and child, I was treated to silence by friends and loved ones my whole life. So what is it about me that causes people to walk away without a word, to wrap me in their silences as a punishment and to exile me as often as possible?

It's one of the reasons I became a hermit, since people placed me in that position so often I just grew used to it and am most comfortable staying away from most of the human race. The masses are evil and selfish and immature and deceptive and conniving. I maybe selfish and immature from time to time, but I'm pretty straight forward, kind and open. People take advantage of this, calling it gullibility or naivite, thinking I'm too dumb to see when they are trying to con me. It's usually when I've had enough and call people on their bullshit ways that those disappear. (Though to those I say good riddance!)

But when I'm allowing someone to see the real me and They disappear into silence, it panics me. It makes me wonder if I'm really a horrible person and I've just been blinding myself to it. Thinking I'm good and just misunderstood, but in all reality I'm a terrible person who doesn't deserve the respect of a goodbye.

There are so many equations into any situation, I know that this is mostly just crap out of my head from years of conditioning by truly bad people in this world.

I'm persistant and excitable when I meet really cool people I can actually, really connect with. I wish this part of me didn't cause people to flee, leaving me wondering what the hell happened and sad that yet another person couldn't find it in themself to like ALL of me.

My closest friends accept me 100%, that's why they are allowed into my life all the way. I can be my usual oddball self, with my fits and paranoia and moments of surprise bliss which cause me to rejoice like a 5 yr old on Christmas morning. Those who can't deal with All of me, fairweather folk - they can stick it where the sun don't shine and use a tree sapling as the stick.