Lost in Translation

There's something about the phrase, which speaks volumes about my life.

I often feel like I'm lost in translation, trying to figure out what others are saying to me. Where is the line between words and actions? Especially when they seem to almost contradict each other.

Talking to M and telling him stories of my past, those experiences that shaped me and his reaction to these tales is eye opening. I guess I've had more than the usual serving of asshole pie in my life. So many have just gone too far in treating me poorly, I seem to bring out the heartlessness in people. Either that or I look like a vat of ripe grapes which need to be stomped on thoroughly.

I don't want those nasty experiences to be what shapes me, to make me timid and frightened, wary and jumpy, not able to trust for fear of yet another unwanted serving of such horrid pie. Is it any wonder that I'm always lost in the translation, not understanding what's going on or why? Too many jerks have said one thing and done the exact opposite, how does one gauge differently from the only thing they know?

I don't want to sabotage my life anymore, I like being happy. Advice is a penny a dozen and half the time it's what people wished they had done or said, with them projecting their "failures" onto your situation. What if I'm not looking at the possibility of failure, just lost in the midst of brand new territory and not quite sure which way is up?

What if I'm truly happy, being right where I am, doing exactly what I'm doing and wondering what will happen next is just an exercise in daydreaming? What if my life feels so uncomplicated and serenely simple, that I keep pinching myself just to make sure I'm not dreaming? Why does questioning and being unsure have to equal being upset?

Can't it just be that I'm reveling in the mystery? For once I am so happy with exactly where my life is and having been a cynic for so long, it's hard to convince friends this is not an act. Quite a few think that I'm secretly in agony over all of this newness in my life and just presenting a stiff upper lip. They couldn't be more wrong.

I have found a friend whom I can share with, who's a great companion, who makes me laugh and smile and blush on a regular basis. It's rare I find someone I am so at peace around, even when I'm nervous. Why is it suddenly everyone's pushing or pulling on me (maybe him as well) for us to do something more? Why can't I have such a rad friend to be happy around? They all bring it up as if we've already started dating behind everyone's backs and when I say "it's not like that" I get "sure, sure, whatever you say".

I get advice poured on my head, assumptions dumped into my lap, predictions to soak my feet in - I just don't get why everyone's getting in on this. People are talking to each other about it behind our backs, like we're a rating catcher plot on a soap opera. How do I know? Friends who normally wouldn't even notice such things come up and say "So I heard you and ____ are, you know." When I ask where they heard it, it's always someone along the grapevine speculating.

Didn't know I could become such a hot gossip topic by NOT sleeping with a guy. Just because we spend a lot of time together...

Ok. I must say, that from the outsider's view - it looks like we're dating. We're the ONLY ones who insist on it's being any different and that's only with each other or me with my friends. He doesn't answer when others ask him about it, he's nebulous and let's them draw their own conclusions. Which is to think that we're together.

It's like we stepped into a 1980s romanticomedy flick and everyone's just waiting for the cheezy happy ending that they know is coming. Why is everyone else so sure when we aren't?? Why do I get the feeling that the pressure of friends could ruin this peace and happiness that I feel with the current simplicity?

I mean, fuck. For once I'm not being treated like a therapist or a surrogate mother, I'm not being talked down to or made fun of or told off. Nor do I feel the urge to do any of these things to him either. I'm not trying to force things nor do I feel forced into anything. I am genuinely happy in his company at all times, I know, it's like I'm breaking all the rules or something. Being happy and not rushing into things immediately without even looking to see if it's water or acid in the tank below. It's Crazy I know, like, totally bonkers man - nobody does it like that anymore.

But what about the whole idea - if you take it slowly and become friends first, if nothing else - you have a new, amazing friend and what is so bad about that?!? The ugly break-up thing is just not right, it's immature and reeks of deceptions, why not be upfront from the beginning and figure out whether you're actually compatible or not first?
Oh my god!
WTHey?
Are you shitting me?
Upfront first you say? Get outta town!
And that whole take the time to... I can't even say it, blasphemous.
You take it too far! I say!
Have at you!
(Ok Steph just took over my brain and typed that... I have no clue, ignore me, I'll just be over here.)

Of course for many the idea of Not being jealous or possessive of a romantic partner is just crazy talk. "How do you know that he loves you?" Was the response I got to a statement of how unattractive the possessive-jealous machismo is to me. Are you kidding me?!? I haven't been in a long term romantic relationship for many years, (some will say - Ever - but, it depends on your perameters) and even I know this one.

But then, you'd have to get to know him well enough to pick up on those little "love you" notes he leaves everywhere in his own way. See how he shows appreciation to his friends and family, understand that he'll probably do the same things with the one he loves and to most guys - those things mean a lot, it's like fixing your bike tire is an expression of his love - he didn't have to, but he did it and did a really good job. Didn't puncture the new tubes with the screwdriver or anything, see? Brand new for you.

Women do this as well, traditionally it's here is my cooking, I've paid attention to what you like and how you like it, I prepared it to be the best tasting meal you could have. The feminists out there can throw erasures at my head if you like, I like looking like I have a powdered wig on... But really that's what those things can be, a way to express your appreciation, love and gratitude towards someone who makes your days brighter and your nights warmer for their company.

I've wandered way off, down another path. But obviously I had to get that out, so it stays.

I guess I'm just shocked by all of this attention we're getting by Not dating and not jumping each other's bones as soon as we are alone. It's like the right combo to unlock the paparazzi option, all eyes suddenly turn to you and you hear this "Ooohh look at that!" coming from all directions. It's a really weird, kinda creepy feeling and yet not, a part of me laughs about it all.

I'm, as usual, lost in the translation. Either I'm missing a key part here or I'm analyzing way too much.