Validation

At the end of the day, aren't we all looking for some level of validation for our personal sight of Truth? I am in the midst of cleaning up my life and in the process am learning many hard lessons. The hilarity of it is beyond what I can express. The irony, not Alannis Morrisette ironic but real irony, is my point has been proven by their words of conflict and opposition.

Wikipedia: Irony

Irony (from the Ancient Greek εἰρωνεία eirōneía, meaning hypocrisy, deception, or feigned ignorance) is a literary or rhetorical device, in which there is an incongruity or discordance between what one says or does and what one means or what is generally understood. Irony is a mode of expression that calls attention to the character's knowledge and that of the audience.

There is some argument about what qualifies as ironic, but all senses of irony revolve around the perceived notion of an incongruity between what is said and what is meant, or between an understanding or expectation of a reality and what actually happens. "when the literal truth is in direct discordance, to the perceived truth".

I have cried foul play and a huge bellow of unhappiness was pointed at me with hunched shoulders and owlish faces of defensive behavior. Excuses fly, fingers point and secrets are thrown into the light as if to play their Ace in the Hole to prove what a horrible person I am and how wrong I am about everything.

I'm told I'm a thief and not worthy of their respect because I bowed to my weakness of decreed mental illness and became a recipient of Social Security Disability. I'm keeping them from making enough money because I'm living off of the system, which steals from them at gun point and so they can't indulge in all of their expensive latest toys or pay off their sizable debts - because I'm on disability. And because I'm stealing from them, in cohorts with the gov't, they don't need to pay me back any money they owe me, even though they made promises to pay me back.

But I'm the bad guy here and nobody is treating me poorly at all. I'm such a paranoid bitch.

I am asked to gift them paintings for holidays and birthdays, yet they are unwilling to make something of theirs for me claiming that it's their livelihoods I'm asking them to give away. Because as an artist and painter living off of under $800 a month, painting them things like spare tire covers costs me nothing (even though I have to buy the cover for them as well.) But I don't have a real, normal job, it's not like my art is a job with a real income, it doesn't count as much as their money, time and energy.

I worked my ass off and put out months worth of income into community events I either helped with or put on myself. Even if my income comes from your worktime, I work it off by providing people with the space for playtime. I never take without giving back, ever. It's not in my blood to be that selfish. In the process I try to be as big of a recycle/reuser as I can be with all of my art projects so as to not be a consumer whore, while they almost insist that everything be up-to-date, brand spanking new technology and replace it each time a new version comes out. Feeding the corporate giants which control the gov't which pays me. If you want it to stop, then stop feeding the system - don't point fingers at the person the system was made to help. Usually we are too fucked up to do more than sign our names on documents, (I'm unlucky enough to still be coherent and intelligible.)

But I'm the bad guy here and nobody is treating me poorly at all. I'm such a paranoid bitch.

We all get together and dream big. Everyone makes a promise to help in some way, we all have projects we can easily handle. Only two of us come anywhere close to fulfilling our promises, another new one starts a project not considered earlier. Excuses fly - "my life is too much, your life is happy now" and I bite my tongue, not to say:

I worked to cover 3 different aspects of the group project while:
taking care of my very sick and delusional grandmother whenever I'm asked,
planning a Christmas wedding,
being supportive to my two best friends - one just had a baby, the other one was just laid off,
moving and merging my household with Mustard's,
getting to know my future in-laws and trying to jump the hurdle of my future mother-in-law's initial knee-jerk reaction of not liking me for many superficial reasons,
getting to know my 16yr old daughter after 14 years separated from her and having to balance the feelings of her adoptive family while we explore our relationship for the first time,
balancing MY family's reaction to all of the above while they still war against each other over old wounds
and last, but certainly not least
going to therapy weekly to try to face my childhood abuse in order to not continue the cycle with Mustard and our future children.

Yet I ask too much and I don't know what it's like to have a hectic, chaotic, challenging and hard life, where I have no time nor energy to fulfill my promises.

Remember, I'm the bad guy here and nobody is treating me poorly at all. I'm such a paranoid bitch.

Let me tell you something - life is not easy, it does not get easier with age. You have to deal with the bad vibes to make them go away, running away does nothing but leave a bad taste in the mouths of those who look up to you and when you have to return, many times the bad vibes are worse. If you want to be irresponsible, at least own up to it and admit you're lazy, bubble-headed and only want to have fun in your life. Sometimes a lot of thought needs to go into living and Definitely, Always you must put hard work, dedication and strong willpower into making anything succeed to it's fullest extent. Half-assed leads into entropy faster than anything, other than doing nothing at all.

Believe in something worth while. Create for more than entertainment's sake. Put ideas into your final product, ideas which edify and cause growth of thought. We're beyond 1984, let's start acting like it. I'm all about paradox, irony's a beautiful thing. It never/always means what you/I think/feel it does/n't.

I found my validation and I'm sure it'll drive nuts those who, very obviously, wanted me to feel put into place and bitch slapped back into the submissive, do-everything gal again. I feel as though I have been released from a very long imprisonment, all these years...

The Hermit's Whirlwind - Discovering America's Pacific Coast

Sitting in the afterglow (or is that aftermath?) of a 14 day road trip with the man I love - there's still too many words swimming around in my head.

The trip was a rollercoaster, the kind which brings thoughts, epiphanies, discoveries - but then every trip is like that if you just pay attention. The resulting changes within myself and my perceptions of the world around me went in a direction I could not have predicted. As if we can ever truly predict the future in any way, there are too many variables outside of our control and range of view to see beyond right now clearly.

The words which unlocked the swirling labyrinth in my mind...

“Until they become conscious they will never rebel, and until after they’ve rebelled they cannot be come conscious.” - 1984 George Orwell

I went on an old fashioned American road trip with my sweetheart, the modern day version of a June and Ward Cleaver, after they got their freak on. I rebel against a lot of things but just decided to let go and act like a tourist for this one trip. It was exceedingly difficult, I’m sure at times I was exceedingly difficult. That was one of the hardest things I have ever done, being so completely out of my comfort zone with no place to hide, that was familiar, except my lover’s arms and car. Being completely dependent upon him and his good graces - I had no finances to add to the trip. I did most of the planning and organizing of where to sleep each night and how to get from A - Z without killing ourselves.

In order to kill two birds with one stone, I set up staying at family/friends places about 50% of the time. We were able to socialize until everyone wanted to sleep, save money on places to stay and not stay long enough to become any sort of a burden at all. Though I felt like we were so pressed for time we could barely socialize and that it might have come across oddly to some hosts.

Only 14 days to drive from Denver thru Las Vegas to Los Angeles, Manhattan Beach to be exact. From there we went down to Irvine in Orange County and then back up the entire Pacific Coast to Vancouver. Stopping in Seaside on the Monterey Bay, up to San Jose for one day, over to Pigeon Point Lighthouse for 2 nights, up to Eureka for 1 night - that was most of California’s coastline in five days.

We drove the entirety of Oregon in one day, popping out to Reyes Point Station and down one side of the bay for a lunch jaunt on whim. We cheated on Oregon’s coasts, jumping to the 5 after Reyes Point and taking that all the way into Portland.

One night there and we drove up through the heavily logged Olympic National Park to Port Angeles on the Pennisula. The next morning it was over to Bainbridge Island Ferry into Seattle for a night and up to Vancouver with the dreaded Valentine’s Day BS.

Thus ending our tour of the Pacific Coast.

We escaped back through Washington, Idaho, Montana and down through Wyoming. Stopping in Hayden, Idaho and Sheridan, Wyoming to visit a friend and sleep.

I’d always wanted to take the winding roads along those breathtaking vistas of ocean and beach, the breakers dancing and racing like the water steeds of Celtic Legends. I held my breath and counted to see if I could find the 9th or 13th waves, except for the time I screamed OH MY GOD! And gasped all of my air out in ecstasy at the most amazing scene of nature I have ever laid eyes upon. But that is later on in this tale and it’s a story all onto it’s own which fits like a jigsaw puzzle piece in with it’s neighbors rather nicely.

I am getting ahead of myself, but that’s ok - there’s a jiggling that happens to one’s paradigm when you enter into new lands - the only definition I consider with “ New Lands” is: A Place You’ve Never Been Before Right Now. For me it was most places in this trip. I had been in exactly one of the places we went through in my conscious memory - San Francisco, which I had just visited two months before on my own pocket.

First I should make this clear, at the age of 35 peeking at the beginning of 36 - I still had not gotten anywhere close to Las Vegas. I was happy (am still happier) sticking with lil ole Reno up north, but people thought I should experience Vegas at least once. Well, now I have and I can say for certain I do not like that much sensory overload, I’m not numb enough for it - it blinds and deafens me, leaves me speechless with wanton waste and gluttony.

I see the excesses of the Roman Empire copied and the desperation on the faces around me - it horrified me. As I sat in our hotel room alone, staring out of the back of the Imperial Palace, down at the Gardens at the Flamingo from our room’s tiny balcony - I realized then that I needed to become like a tourist.

The alternative was to become hysterical daily, causing the trip and our relationship to end early. I didn’t want either and it would only become more stressful as the length of time on the road got further along. So I decided to just act like one of the out-of-towner yokels and suddenly it seemed so much easier to accept everything. This was my first clue as to what the people around me are living like, I’m in a dreamland bubble of my own creation I don’t know what it’s like for the average American out there. I refuse to swallow the Corporate Nightmare and so shiny seductress Vegas was like seeing a succubus’ true face. It is a numbing fairytale world, the adult version of Walt’s Dynasty and it had nothing to do with me.

Southern California it seems there are either houses or industrial/oil rigs and always, everywhere traffic, traffic, traffic. It’s such a paradox out there, I am still baffled by it all and it leaves me with this tingly sensation. I don’t know whether to be alarmed or refreshed. I felt like I was floating in this bubble of incredulity that it really is exactly as people joke about and I worry if I witnessed a heinous crime or two but was so blinded by culture shock that I didn’t realize what was going on. It’s a whole other world out there, Our introduction was 3 plus hours on the highways in traffic and uncharacteristic buckets of rain, trying to get from the desert on the east side of LA to the beaches on the west side. If you asked me to describe LA simply I’d say Traffic, that’s almost all I know of it.

...

More to come.

New beginnings

Sitting in the afterglow (or is that aftermath?) of a 14 day road trip with the man I love - there's still too many words swimming around in my head.

The trip was a rollercoaster, the kind which brings thoughts, epiphanies, discoveries - but then every trip is like that if you just pay attention. The resulting changes within myself and my perceptions of the world around me went in a direction I could not have predicted. As if we can ever truly predict the future in any way, there are too many variables outside of our control and range of view to see beyond right now clearly.

I'm too distracted still, my thoughts won't calm down enough to allow me to concentrate - I don't know where to begin. There's too many points to cover, too many things to say - how do I put them into a cohesive form??

I'm going to try to do it, but I don't know if I'm really a novelist.

Neuro-metascience

I'm really fascinated by how the mind works, the interplay between the conscious and subconscious.

We are complicated beings without even realizing or being aware of our complexity, take how we process input.
We have sensory organs which pick up everything around us, 360 - a complete bubble which is much bigger than we consciously know.
The entire array of colors which is found in light and shadow, all the different scents in the air and their subtle changes, how everything feels (this is tons of info all at once, wherever something is touching your skin - which is always,) we taste the air and the bacteria in our mouth, whatever we put there has levels of flavors, we hear all along the spectrum as well and we pick up every noise, conversation, note, whisper.

All of this is dumped into our brain every millisecond of every day.

Our brain has a processing/filtering center which sorts all of it, pulls out what is relevant to us at the moment and then files everything else away in it's appropriate place in the brain.

We have complete eidetic memories (unless there is damage to our memory storage and retrieval centers of the brain.)
We can access anything at any time if we know how to ask for it and are patient as our brain works like a library computer and chases down the appropriate information for the inquiry.

If you've lost something and can sleep on it, ask your subconscious to show where the last place you saw it was and to allow that information to be accessible upon waking. Unless someone moved it, you'll more than likely find it in the exact spot you saw in your dream.
Everything we read, watch, listen to - all of it is stored in our brains.

I wish I could figure out how to access all the knowledge in my head whenever I want it. There's some kind of memory block I experience half the time and if I could get past it, I could be a code cracker. As in having the ability to remember and recall anything I put into my brain. Of course this is why part of an IQ score is how much information we able to retain and translate into useful knowledge.

But think of what this means on the level of psychedelics.
Entheogens and the like seem to take away the filters which prevent us from being "bogged down" with all of billions (trillions??) of bytes of info streaming in through our sensory organs. Suddenly we are aware of the full spectrum of colors (sights), sounds, feelings, tastes, and scents. We find there is much more to our surrounding reality than our consciousness lets on, we find that we have been living in a sterile bubble of bland in comparison to what the universe actually looks like.

And they call this insanity? Is it? The hallucinations are probably the side effects of so much going on all at once and blending over onto each other, overlapping and melting into one another - the first traces of experiencing the phenomenon of All is One and One is All.

The revolution of the mind and heart.

The human spirit responds to suffering.
It reaches out of it's darkness towards a light perceived even if not fully seen.
From our wet wombs of torture
Great works are born.
Scowl and cry, curse those who steal
and try to crush under their boots.
Only keep the reminder
Strength is a spiritual virtue
Under your pillow at night.
Let your fingerprints explore it in it's reverse braille.
We are entering a darker age
Fighting it as a Roman Lord swats at flies
While lying prone from overindulgence
In his vomitorium.
Those who have eyes and ears
With senses tuned to beyond the flesh
View from the Prophet's throne
Though their mouths move
The shouts of the blind, deaf and dumb
Drown their sound.
But not for long.
Hunger kills useless motion
And when the pitiable lie
Restless in their pain.
Twisting and turning as the surgeons
Remove their material limbs.
Then the tongues will wag on the ends of fingers
The paint will pour forth with teeth and crone's eyes.
The Prophet will be reality once more
Not just another commentary to be placed
In the files of fads.
All will remember what it means to be human,
That sharing is all there is,
Nothing more
Nothing less.
Then shall we reach up to the fire of the Muse
and cleanse ourselves in agony of Truth.
Raise our arms in celebration
And say
Without the Dark we cannot know what light is.
We lost our way in the grey
Only in being struck blind
Can we see.
Take these senses from me
They are useless
Create for me anew
Create for you anew
Create for us anew
This is the only way to evolution.
The revolution of the mind and heart.

RMRF 12.08

I left my <3 in Denver

I've been on vacation for a week in San Francisco - Berkeley to be exact and running all over the Bay Area the entire time. I go home in two days and I am so ready for it, I want to cry.

I have been crying, a lot. Every day I've been here I've cried.
I've felt lonely, lost and completely overwhelmed the whole trip. I came out to see a friend who doesn't seem to think too much of me any longer. I have to repeat myself many times in order for anything I say to sink in, he's made plans which exclude me altogether and hasn't really paid all that much attention to me.

It's the same old, same old with how many friends treat me and I'm wondering if he's been like this all along and I'm just noticing it or if this is new and I did something to offend him? I don't know truthfully but as I'm sitting here, hungry, with no food in the house and no way to get any - I'm thinking I'm not coming back again next year (delivery is too expensive, i have no car, there's no place I can walk to fast enough in the cold and rain - he's out at a fancy dinner right now in the city with his work. Is it just me or would you say "sorry, I have an out of town guest at home alone tonight."??)

I really want to be home already, at least if I'm hungry there it's my own freaking fault 100%. And I tried to call for pizza delivery, but they asked me questions that I could not answer and they must have thought it was a prank because they hung up on me. :(

This is not a happy vacation for the most part. Little bits here and there were ok, but for the most part I've been ignored, stressed out and treated like a 5th wheel the entire time.

Painful root removal

I was prompted by M reading my Background to go back and reread what I wrote.

My life seems like it is a soap opera, I'm so dramatic about everything and yet I don't say anything but the truth. Who needs lies when the truth is so much more fantastic?

I have lived a very hard life, not as hard as others granted - but still pretty sad, hurtful and angry. I learned that anger and spite are the ways to survive, I did not learn what love really means until my 30s. I did not experience the fullness nor unconditioned type of love until my 30s. I was taught that love is conditional, you must act perfect, look perfect, be as close to the model of perfection in order for anyone to love you.

What is the result of this in my love life?

I have had one beatdown after another with men.
So many just used me to feel better about themselves, to feel superior and worthwhile. None of them ever gave back in any way but money and gifts. Those who did not treat me this way, treated me like some queen who is so far above them there was no equal connection and that is almost worst.

So many have pulled me along on their games, lied to me, cheated on me, promised me the world while actually giving their worlds to someone else, kept me on the wire of "I don't know" as long as they could and once they felt they had to do something - always ran away.

I'm told this is them, not me. Yet there is this part of me which sees others, sees people who say all the things I've been told "I'm not ready. I don't want. I'm not in the right place." and as soon as that right person comes along - all these excuses disappear never to be seen again. So it is at least partially me, not just you - you fucking assholes.

So to have every man I've ever loved or cared greatly about do this to me, over and over and over again - it wears on you. You come to expect it and you desecrate anything which might not turn out that way. The pattern is the comfort.

I hate this pattern. I loathe it. I wish it was a physical object so that I could shoot it repeatedly until there is nothing recognizable left about it. Because it physically HURTS and it paralyzes me completely, I try to be different - I try to think positive thoughts, I try to believe This Time - it will not happen that way!

But it always does. It always does and it's enough to make me want to give up altogether. To say Fuck you, I obviously don't belong here and juct check out. Because I'll never be good enough and if that is so, then why am I fucking here? To be a blessing to other people and live a miserable life of my own???

Well Fuck You! I don't want to be your fucking Jiminy Cricket, your gift, your support beam, your mother, your friend, your second choice, your closet skeleton, your rebound...

I want to be ME, I want to be an equal participant and equally chosen!

I don't want to be the only one who's not afraid to try new things or to change or to take risks.
I don't want to be the cheerleader who gets taken for granted and patted on the head in return.
I don't want to be the mom or best friend who gets all the intimacy but none of the romance.
I don't want to be your buddy, your sister, your pal, your ma.

I'm done with all of that.

I deserve to be loved and accepted 100% for who I am in full.
I deserve to be found attractive, sexy, beautiful - both on the inside and the out.
I deserve to be treated equally.
I deserve to be considered a good partner, not just a time filler.
I deserve what I've always wanted in this life - a companion who is my equal and equally wants me as their companion.

I don't ask for marriage or children or financial security or any of the things people usually get together for.

I just want a best friend who is also my lover, someone to share my life with and who wants to share their life with me. Just share it, it doesn't have to mean one way of life is dead for anyone. Like you have to give up something of yourself to be a part of it.

Even my best friends leave me out of the loop and don't share in the way I'd really like. I try not to think about it, makes me cry every fucking time. It's not like I'm asking for something impossible - they do it with each other, share in that super intimate daily way - maybe if I had a friend who actually was like that with me, I wouldn't think that having a romantic companion is so important.

Then again, maybe I'm just a terrible friend and nobody feels it's worth trying to be that close to me. I'm left behind and forgotten so often I stopped asking "What's up?" I don't live a life like everyone else around me. Maybe I just don't live at all.

And if I'm not really living, then why am I alive?

I'm pulling up the evil roots of my childhood, they have been rotten since they first took root.
I have to be more than I am now, I have to stop believing that I'm a terrible person, that I'm not worthy of anything.

I am a good person and I am worthy of everything.
I am worthy of having an equal companion who wants to be with me just as much as I, him.
I am worth stepping away from fears and running headlong into the unknown with.

I am worth way more than I'm given credit for.

To all those who used me and threw me away like garbage - I hope your karma bites you on the ass 10x's over and that's a witch's hope there.

I put my whole heart and soul into those I love, there is no hidden agenda or feelings, I don't backstab or play pretend with feelings. What you see is what you get.

I put my all into those I care about and people don't want it - they treat it like a disease. To have someone genuinely care about you and want the best for you - why is that a horrible thing? Because most don't know how or want to give it back?? Because people think it's too hard and risky to do so? But if we all did that, there would no longer be a risk, it would be the easiest thing in the world. To just care 100%.

Don't take my love for granted, see it for what it is and either accept it or walk away. Taking advantage of it just taints it.

I am currently head-over-heels for a man in my life, I am caring 100% even though I know the fear is there and that he might run away too. I have to, otherwise I'm not being true to myself - so how do I care in such an open and honest way without fear of him bolting? How do I discard these destroying negative fears within myself? How do I believe that I'm worthy of receiving the same amount of caring back?

How do I stop becoming such a crazy person about all of this and learn to just let things be?

I'm tired of being so very alone.
Please, Universe, God/dess, Great Spirit - whoever is listening, please - I've done my time alone, I don't want it anymore. Even if it's not for the rest of my life, right now - I want and need a companion. I want someone who can accept my love, really accept it and be glad to be within it's full bloom.
I'm not afraid of the single life, I'm just very tired of it and I want to not be here anymore.

After a short break...

I may have to take a break from writing as much for a week or so. I’m in the midst of trying to stop smoking - after being an avid one for 20+ years. Writing and smoking go hand in hand for me, it’s hard to even write this without wanting to light up. So here’s a quote showing how I feel about life in general.

"The word 'happiness' would lose all its meaning, if it were not balanced by sadness." ~ Carl Jung

Glee!

Now that the Muse has released her grip...

I am so freaking happy!

I want to express it, somehow - someway. But I can't place a finger on one thing or another.

Spending an evening with just M, curled up on the couch and laughing at Robot Chicken is one.
Painting again after not feeling the least inclination to do so for two weeks is another.
(I need to go get more white paint...)
Having a vehicle so that I no longer feel pinned here is another. (Though I still won't be going out constantly. I am a bit of a hermit naturally, it's not just circumstances which keep me home.)
Writing and reading almost non-stop is bliss to me.

I cannot stand to sit still and do nothing (unless I'm meditating - but that is Still doing Something.)

I am feeling mischevious and bouncy. I want to tackle M and have a tickle fight. I want to paint non-stop all night. I want to write pages and pages, I want to read book after book. I want to laugh and sing and enjoy the company of my friends.

I am in love with my life, I can and am doing all of these things.

Awakener

Not sure why I'm writing, I just have the urge to write and if I ignore the Muse on my shoulder then I am lost.

I am happy today, exceedingly happy. Within my personal daily life, I have little to be upset or sad about. Sure I'm not rich, everything I own is second hand, according to the strictures of my society I am in poverty and should be downcast appropriately.

What is poverty? The lack of money, of material things, of a house, two cars, a spouse and 2.5 children? I say poverty is blindness, the inability to see past all of the shit people accumulate in their lives to fill the hole of sadness, emptiness and loneliness which gapes inside them. I say poverty is when you are poor in heart and spirit. When there is no real meaning to your life, you just work for the money to keep your toys and pour the numbing drugs down your throat.

I don't care what people do for a living, what they own, how they dress, how they vote - I can about whether or not they are genuine to themselves, whether or not they can treat someone who seems different as an equal, whether or not they can push past all the crap and be real.

My dearest friends are very real, they accept the realness of others - they do not push away when things aren't going peachy, they don't say "You are acting inappropriately." When one allows their real emotions to show - instead they go right along with it.

Richness is flowing like water, taking everything there is in life and going with it, learning from it, improving your insides with it. It's pushing to clear stagnant waters, to leap and play and grab the hands around you saying "Come on! Let's laugh and sing! Who cares if you can't carry a tune."

The hard part is when the status quo pushes down and says "This is not appropriate." When you find yourself cornered by those who try to pour you into the mold of normality. What is normal anyway? Is it being cookie cutter or just being naturally you? I don't want to be an ant, mindlessly working to uphold the structure - I want to push the structure down and say "There's so much more around us! Look! LOOK!"

For this many turn their backs to me and try to exile me, say that I'm crazy and a danger to society. Some might even call me a terrorist, but I'm not into terrorizing people - I just want them to wake up and see where the real horrors are coming from. But now, awakening = terrifying and if you try to get people to wake up and stand beside you, insisting that everything needs to be changed - you are the enemy of the state.

So many refuse to see our current conditions as being the beginnings of a police state or a recession going into depression or being completely weakened and compromised - we've been pimped out by our President and instead of saying "NO!" we put our pillows back over our faces and hide from the shame which should be burning within us. We aren't a nation, we're the Whore of Babylon. We are fleshy and weak, overly decadent and bourgeois. Most of this country's citizens are NOT contributing members. What do we work for? To keep our toys running and our corporate slave collars sparkly and new?

This is a consumer nation, not a participatory one. Most could care less about participating in making anything better, they'd prefer to sit behind their computers and speculate. I've tried so many ways and times to get people excited about forcing changes - no body wants to be bothered. We have been lulled by fear into thinking that there's no way to make the changes needed, that we need the protection of our government.

People - We ARE Our Government!! Without us, they don't exist as anything other than a tyranny. Are we the subjects of tyrants or are we a democracy? It is within the raising of our voices, in the standing up and saying "NO!" which makes us a democracy. We have ultimate say, yet we have been lulled into letting others make our decisions for us and because we have our toys we keep the blinders on saying "But I've got more than you, that makes me right."

Since when does having more make someone right? That just means you can overpower someone and enslave them more easily. What part of enslavement and power equals freedom, liberty and equality??

We are so lost as a species. We fight over nothing, we cannot see past our imaginary lines to the reality outside our glass houses and people cheer when those with truth on their tongues are beaten down. When will we learn?

I am happy in my personal life - in viewing the world and humanity in general I am sad.
How does one balance that? What must I do to bring the circle into fullness?

Slowly shifting forward

Today was a difficult day to say the least. I was faced with that which I am almost retarded against. Red tape bureaucracy, both governmental and corporate. The Dept. of Motor Vehicles (DMV) and my old Auto Insurance Company.

I get so angry and shocked by how horribly people in these industries treat others, I lose it and can no longer focus at all. I go from being intellectually appalled to a babbling, stuttering, hysterical fool in T-. Almost literally, it drives me insane, because in order for me not to get in trouble with Ceasar - I have to play this games, even though I know they are 100% Grade A(sshole) Bullshit.

I use the social systems because I have a skewed philosophy - I don't believe in the value of our money. I think it, credit and the entire financial institution system of the US are all fallacies. I think we should have to do away with the use of it, find a better way which puts the possibilities in the hands of all once again. Since I'm considered a citizen who cannot be placed in any nitch within the workers system, I'm paid to stay out of it. Literally, that was what the deciding judge said. So I use the money and the systems to survive, but it's like robbing Peter to pay Peter. Paul doesn't even enter into the equation, unless you have something to trade, like a skill or a handcrafted item. But that's community, not nation. And as a US "orphan" - I use the money and the time given me by Peter, to make and do things for Paul, though I'm still paying Peter back most of it anyway. To utilities, housing, food - the survival stuff, but the good stuff definitely is a swap with Paul anyday.

AnyWhoo. I was ping ponged back and forth between gov't and corporate for 4+ hrs today, just on the phone. It is still unresolved, but they had to go home after dealing with me all day at about 5pm. The Insurance Company is jerkin my chain so hard, the DMV lady felt bad for me and is supposedly going to bat with the Company herself to get the information I tried 3 times to get myself.

I started out with my tantrum, I was livid - I have been shafted, hardcore by certain Insurance people who didn't do their jobs and refuse to take responsibility for it. I lost my driver's license because of it - however, I lost it in Janurary and am just today finding out about it. Because nobody told me and my insurance agent didn't do their job. I paid for insurance that didn't count for ANYTHING for 8 months. Over $560 worth of useless insurance because they failed to inform the DMV I still had my court-ordered insurance and nobody told me, I didn't get a final "You're license is suspended" letter or anything. It happens, the mail sucks.

But as I went back and forth like Pong between the two places, I calmed. I pushed through the confusion, I regained my focus and I got things accomplished.

I got insurance on my car, so that no matter what I'm not driving uninsured. (I bought a car, by the way. lol) I got the lady at the DMV to go to bat for me and help me in a situation I cannot conquer myself. Tomorrow I go get emissions and temp tags, hopefully I wrap up the DL thing as well. I'm crossing my fingers that it all works out in my favor.

This is a first for me, usually I have total meltdown and lose everything in the process.
I'm proud of myself for calming and making the first step towards being able to function without losing it at all.

Life training

This one will be short, I'm excessively tired.

All we experience in life trains us, equips us to handle anything that comes our way a little better each time.

I think of it as, there is something(s) I am supposed to do with this life, if I don't have the experience I need to know how to accomplish it/them correctly, then I will not be able to do what it is I am ultimately here for or at least not very effectively. (I think I chose my path before I animated this shell, maybe it's just easier to cope with than Divine Will or Destiny or Fate.)

I think that we must go through both good and bad things, to show us where our boundaries need to be, to show us our strengths, skills, talents and our weaknesses, inabilities, fears. We must learn new ways of being before we are able to understand what kind of personal mountain we are attempting to climb.

Just as someone who is an actual mountaineer must train themselves and learn a lot through experience before attempting Mt. Everest. Or an athlete can go to the Olympics.

Whatever your personal goals are, you must train and get experience before realizing them. I think this goes for anything in your life which comes with difficulty.

Example: (Since half of my friends and I are single with dating issues.) Instead of looking at every failed relationship you have endured as proof that you should be alone and cannot be in a successful one - instead, look at it as training and experience for when the person who will suit you the best comes along. Maybe you both have habits which are not usually conducive to a healthy relationship, however, in the experiences you learn through, you are able to change the destructive patterns and become better equipped to accept faults in others, or if not accept fully, at least know how to work with them.

If you looked at the pattern of what was the common denominator among all of your past lovers, what would it be? It's the thing that attracts you the most, so, if it's not normally considered a positive characteristic to be attracted to - does that mean that it is Always a negative one? Or is it just nasty when displayed in extremes?

I tend to choose those who are unavailable or very withdrawn and silent. I know why I am attracted to this, it's absurdly obvious - but I don't always see the signs until I have allowed my emotions to commit. I've even thought in the past "This one is totally available, no way I've picked another one." Only to be smacked in the head with their special brand of it.

However, I am really all that available? No, not really, I'm a self-proclaimed misanthrope after all, one is normally silent in big groups and has problems being in the outside world. So I am attracted to those who are like me because it is comfortable, but it hasn't worked because I habitually have picked those who not only don't like interacting with the world at large - they also don't want to interact with me that much either.

Does this mean I give up? Nope, it means I learn the lessons, pick myself up, brush myself off and say, now I know something new. Eventually all of the experiences will help me to see and accept the person who wants the same back from me. Possibly this has already happened, possibly not. Either way, I'm still learning, training, becoming more equipped to face and achieve my life in the best way I can.

I am slowly accepting myself and I like me, there's some things which still need a lot of change and growth - but I hope to be able to say this until the day I die. Accepting the negative experiences as necessary for learning how to not just survive but thrive is an integral part of my growth, how about you?

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My Silent Irony

I prefer silence in my home when I'm alone, no music, no tv - just the hums and clicks of the place, the cat talking to me, the occasional *bloop* as the fish does flips out of the top of the water.

I am the silent one when we're all out and about, I sit and listen, I don't contribute much to conversations - usually back in the shadows watching people. Not good at small talk, so I found that being a listener is almost as good (except with people expect me to take a fuller part in their dialog and turn it into a conversation... 9 times out of 10 I ruin it with some oddball comment, they look at me weird and excuse themselves from my company as quickly as possible.)

Hence I prefer the company of other quiet ones, silence doesn't really bother people like us. It's a comfort thing, to have someone there and not Need to constantly talk. Sometimes I babble when others are at my place and it's just the two of us, because I talk outloud to Faust while I'm cooking or housecleaning - it's an old habit from the days of Donovan. When you're a hermit, sometimes even hearing your own voice relieves heavy feelings of aloneness.

It's kind of redundant to say that my conversational skills when it comes to mundane things are not very good at all.

But I have a fear of silence from others. I have been put into the hole of silence so many times, overlooked and ignored, left behind with no word of farewell, no closure, no indication of why they walked away. My last big love did this to me in 07, the last thing I heard from him was "give me a few days, I'll call you and we can talk about all this."

Then the silence began and stretched into eternity. I'm still trying to shake the sorrowful blanket his silence wrapped around me and held me so fiercely in it's clutches. I almost went insane in the beginning, wanting to say goodbye or why or I'm sorry or AnyThing. But all I got was more silence every time I tried. So I turned off my head and buried myself in my sorrow, the year of death was hard - an underlying constant drag of claws across my gut in the midst of this encompassing silence. (The year of death refers to the 18 months where 10 people in my life died between 06 and 07.)

I am trying to get past this, I really, really am trying the hardest to get past this. It's a patten that breaks my heart repeatedly ad nauseum. I was left in silence in my bedroom for hours at a time as a toddler and child, I was treated to silence by friends and loved ones my whole life. So what is it about me that causes people to walk away without a word, to wrap me in their silences as a punishment and to exile me as often as possible?

It's one of the reasons I became a hermit, since people placed me in that position so often I just grew used to it and am most comfortable staying away from most of the human race. The masses are evil and selfish and immature and deceptive and conniving. I maybe selfish and immature from time to time, but I'm pretty straight forward, kind and open. People take advantage of this, calling it gullibility or naivite, thinking I'm too dumb to see when they are trying to con me. It's usually when I've had enough and call people on their bullshit ways that those disappear. (Though to those I say good riddance!)

But when I'm allowing someone to see the real me and They disappear into silence, it panics me. It makes me wonder if I'm really a horrible person and I've just been blinding myself to it. Thinking I'm good and just misunderstood, but in all reality I'm a terrible person who doesn't deserve the respect of a goodbye.

There are so many equations into any situation, I know that this is mostly just crap out of my head from years of conditioning by truly bad people in this world.

I'm persistant and excitable when I meet really cool people I can actually, really connect with. I wish this part of me didn't cause people to flee, leaving me wondering what the hell happened and sad that yet another person couldn't find it in themself to like ALL of me.

My closest friends accept me 100%, that's why they are allowed into my life all the way. I can be my usual oddball self, with my fits and paranoia and moments of surprise bliss which cause me to rejoice like a 5 yr old on Christmas morning. Those who can't deal with All of me, fairweather folk - they can stick it where the sun don't shine and use a tree sapling as the stick.

Danger, Will Robinson!

Brain is shorting out, I feel like I'm drowning and it's stupid.

I'm allowing the talk of my friends to get to me, make me wonder if I'm missing something and just being purposefully blind to make things easier on me. I admit that I initiated some of the conversations, but those were with my closest girlfriends who know what I'm like. To have male friends initiate conversations on my relationship with M, very suddenly at the club and tell me "You can disclaim all you want, but it sounds like you two are dating to me." THAT's what messed me up. Guy friends just don't do that.

And why, oh why are all of our friends suddenly so excited about it? When we keep saying that we're not dating, not fooling around - they get even more excited and excitable about us. Emotions range from jealousy to ecstatic glee and I am getting more input than ever on how to proceed. What if I don't want to "proceed", what if I'm fucking scared shitless about messing up an amazing friendship in the name of social expectations?

See, this is why my happiness pops like a soap bubble. I can't leave well enough alone, I listen to others and get all worked up, I suppress it in order to not mess things up like usual and then "Wham!" it all hits me at once and I fuck everything up anyway.

For once, I don't want to do this. For once, I'm willing to go whatever pace is needed with no expectations of anything further, other than a closer friendship.

Then there's the unasked for advice from another guy friend, that we're both just so scared of messing it up that we're blocking something amazing.

Aargh! Stop it! I want to be happy and if it means staying in the current configuration then why does it have to be more?

*banging head against desk*

I'm just so excited to have a guy in my life whom I get along with so well and enjoy so much, I'm beyond freaked that I'm going to scare him away - even as just a friend. I'm such a weirdo, I'm so uptight and in my head, I blather about meaningless shit because I'm still frightened of the reactions to my real voice. I still have a hard time believing anyone in this world would actually want to be with the real me, not just hang out from time to time - but be able to be around me on a regular basis.
Nobody has so far, not friends, not family, not lovers. I'm good in small doses it seems, which means no real companionship.

That's what I'm so happy about, that for once someone seems to be ok with being around me for long periods and doesn't get upset or freaked out nor runs away in terror. So many times I've been told that I'm too much, that I'm just not good enough and pushed away completely. Too many times I've been stabbed in the back and exiled. Too many judgements rained upon my head and I believed them for so long.

I'm new at this whole not feeling guilty about being me, a few slips are bound to happen. It just sucks when it does, big donkey style with a gag reflex.

Love isn't the true hell, it's the uncertainty of whether the other person is on the same page as you and the torture gets worse when you find out they aren't. So the usual survival mode is to just brush it all off as not needing to be on any page at all and putting up a few walls. Maybe decorate them with huge, heavy tapestries showing previous battles as reminders of why they are needed.

I've been trying to let go of that idea - of finding love with just one person. That love is meant to be shared openly with all and received in the same way - not just pegged to one person's chest cavity. Why is it so hard to let go of? It's ingrained in most of our heads from an early age, you aren't really a full member of society until someone claims you as their own and sticks a ring on your finger (or let's you stick one on theirs.) It's considered a right of passage into adulthood. Those who don't marry or at least settle down with one person are considered immature or there's something Very wrong with them.

Why?!? I'm trying not to be a mess, I don't think there's something terribly wrong with me. Just a little neurosis from time to time, mixed liberally with paranoia. But when you've had as many people do nasty shit to you with a smile on their faces as I have, paranoia comes with the territory.

I don't want to be paranoid anymore!! I want to trust people to be who they say they are (as much as they have figured out at least) and to not feel like I have to watch people like a hawk to make sure they aren't just fucking with me or plotting against me or planning to use me as a scapegoat. I'm not a conspiracy nut, the FBI are not after me - but I've had so called friends butter me up to find the best way to hurt me and then stab me where it counts as hard as possible. They even admitted as much themselves to me afterward in spiteful words.

How do I get past these wounds and try to trust again? I used to trust 110%, my Dad would say. Now it's barely 50%, even with close friends and family. Maybe it's time to let go of the wall and be honest with myself, to stop fighting the excitement of my friends and their words.

Even if it means that all of my current joyful experiences disappear, I know that I am able to be happy and relaxed in the company of someone I like a lot. Gods this is like pulling teeth!

Look, I don't know if I can go on with this in such a round about way, especially since he reads this from time to time. I'm writing you, M, a letter right now.

...
an while later.

I can't believe I wrote that! Holy cow! I reserve the right to remain silent on the contents of it until further notice.

It's nervewracking and exhilarating at the same time. This is who I am, this is what I do - I am hopeless romantic of the literary sort. I write. A lot. I want to write letters to those I fancy and get sappy poetic. (I don't think I did that with this one though... more like Eeek! *blush,blush,blush* I can't believe I'm writing this!!) Instead of visions of the perfect American wedding, it's more visions of Victorian Era Russians courting each other on the cusp between old and new morals.

I like Russian fiction, what can I say? It turns me into the blushing hopeful girl, sighing with a book in her hand and the lovely romantic ideas spinning round her head. Man, there are times I wish that was the way of it now. The courting seems so thrilling, blood pumping, woozy with glee. LOL

This just showed me why I'm reacting the way I am. I'm such a nerd for the Russian romance, I play it out in this life and people aren't used to wooing slowly causing such a passion. But it stirs the blood to a higher pitch than sex. It's the bait and release, hunting and be hunted, stirring the waters to see the reactions and then wonder about it aloud with sighs later. It is intoxicating, innervating, it spirs one into fits and sighs and letters of pronouncement. I want it to continue this slowly, I just want to know if it can go any further or if my sighs are in vain. See I just get all sappy and girly and dreamy, the wait for each tiny step goes into eternity but each one taken is amazing and so worth the wait.

I'm a Tolstoyian romantic, who woulda thunk. (No, he's not the only one I've read. He's just the first one whom I have read his entire works. At least those translated into English. And he's mentioned in almost every other Russian novel written after him, usually as a hero, you tell me he sucks and I'll wonder what your idea of good is. I could go into my love of their literature for quite a while, even the detail heavy, slightly confusing, battlescenes and war histories.

I've wandered off topic, I'm going to be perfectly honest, even though I allowed myself to be me without feeling like a criminal about it - I'm wondering how he's going to respond to the fullness of me. It's crazy this risk has caused me to feel better about myself and to figure out why I do it. I'm no longer ashamed or embarrassed I wrote him that letter. I meant it and I am happy in saying it. It's a relief to say it and I hope my intentions of honestly sharing who I am without shame gets across to him. I don't want to be embarrassed by my real self, I'm kinda cool and quirky. I do thinks oddly, so what? That's who I am and if I'm embarrassed or ashamed of it, then others will feel it too and how is that attractive even on just a friendly level?

I need to remember Maude's example and be me. Cause there's a million ways to be, you know that there are.

(I love that movie.)

...if you want to sing out, sing out
and if you want to be free, be free...

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Lost in Translation

There's something about the phrase, which speaks volumes about my life.

I often feel like I'm lost in translation, trying to figure out what others are saying to me. Where is the line between words and actions? Especially when they seem to almost contradict each other.

Talking to M and telling him stories of my past, those experiences that shaped me and his reaction to these tales is eye opening. I guess I've had more than the usual serving of asshole pie in my life. So many have just gone too far in treating me poorly, I seem to bring out the heartlessness in people. Either that or I look like a vat of ripe grapes which need to be stomped on thoroughly.

I don't want those nasty experiences to be what shapes me, to make me timid and frightened, wary and jumpy, not able to trust for fear of yet another unwanted serving of such horrid pie. Is it any wonder that I'm always lost in the translation, not understanding what's going on or why? Too many jerks have said one thing and done the exact opposite, how does one gauge differently from the only thing they know?

I don't want to sabotage my life anymore, I like being happy. Advice is a penny a dozen and half the time it's what people wished they had done or said, with them projecting their "failures" onto your situation. What if I'm not looking at the possibility of failure, just lost in the midst of brand new territory and not quite sure which way is up?

What if I'm truly happy, being right where I am, doing exactly what I'm doing and wondering what will happen next is just an exercise in daydreaming? What if my life feels so uncomplicated and serenely simple, that I keep pinching myself just to make sure I'm not dreaming? Why does questioning and being unsure have to equal being upset?

Can't it just be that I'm reveling in the mystery? For once I am so happy with exactly where my life is and having been a cynic for so long, it's hard to convince friends this is not an act. Quite a few think that I'm secretly in agony over all of this newness in my life and just presenting a stiff upper lip. They couldn't be more wrong.

I have found a friend whom I can share with, who's a great companion, who makes me laugh and smile and blush on a regular basis. It's rare I find someone I am so at peace around, even when I'm nervous. Why is it suddenly everyone's pushing or pulling on me (maybe him as well) for us to do something more? Why can't I have such a rad friend to be happy around? They all bring it up as if we've already started dating behind everyone's backs and when I say "it's not like that" I get "sure, sure, whatever you say".

I get advice poured on my head, assumptions dumped into my lap, predictions to soak my feet in - I just don't get why everyone's getting in on this. People are talking to each other about it behind our backs, like we're a rating catcher plot on a soap opera. How do I know? Friends who normally wouldn't even notice such things come up and say "So I heard you and ____ are, you know." When I ask where they heard it, it's always someone along the grapevine speculating.

Didn't know I could become such a hot gossip topic by NOT sleeping with a guy. Just because we spend a lot of time together...

Ok. I must say, that from the outsider's view - it looks like we're dating. We're the ONLY ones who insist on it's being any different and that's only with each other or me with my friends. He doesn't answer when others ask him about it, he's nebulous and let's them draw their own conclusions. Which is to think that we're together.

It's like we stepped into a 1980s romanticomedy flick and everyone's just waiting for the cheezy happy ending that they know is coming. Why is everyone else so sure when we aren't?? Why do I get the feeling that the pressure of friends could ruin this peace and happiness that I feel with the current simplicity?

I mean, fuck. For once I'm not being treated like a therapist or a surrogate mother, I'm not being talked down to or made fun of or told off. Nor do I feel the urge to do any of these things to him either. I'm not trying to force things nor do I feel forced into anything. I am genuinely happy in his company at all times, I know, it's like I'm breaking all the rules or something. Being happy and not rushing into things immediately without even looking to see if it's water or acid in the tank below. It's Crazy I know, like, totally bonkers man - nobody does it like that anymore.

But what about the whole idea - if you take it slowly and become friends first, if nothing else - you have a new, amazing friend and what is so bad about that?!? The ugly break-up thing is just not right, it's immature and reeks of deceptions, why not be upfront from the beginning and figure out whether you're actually compatible or not first?
Oh my god!
WTHey?
Are you shitting me?
Upfront first you say? Get outta town!
And that whole take the time to... I can't even say it, blasphemous.
You take it too far! I say!
Have at you!
(Ok Steph just took over my brain and typed that... I have no clue, ignore me, I'll just be over here.)

Of course for many the idea of Not being jealous or possessive of a romantic partner is just crazy talk. "How do you know that he loves you?" Was the response I got to a statement of how unattractive the possessive-jealous machismo is to me. Are you kidding me?!? I haven't been in a long term romantic relationship for many years, (some will say - Ever - but, it depends on your perameters) and even I know this one.

But then, you'd have to get to know him well enough to pick up on those little "love you" notes he leaves everywhere in his own way. See how he shows appreciation to his friends and family, understand that he'll probably do the same things with the one he loves and to most guys - those things mean a lot, it's like fixing your bike tire is an expression of his love - he didn't have to, but he did it and did a really good job. Didn't puncture the new tubes with the screwdriver or anything, see? Brand new for you.

Women do this as well, traditionally it's here is my cooking, I've paid attention to what you like and how you like it, I prepared it to be the best tasting meal you could have. The feminists out there can throw erasures at my head if you like, I like looking like I have a powdered wig on... But really that's what those things can be, a way to express your appreciation, love and gratitude towards someone who makes your days brighter and your nights warmer for their company.

I've wandered way off, down another path. But obviously I had to get that out, so it stays.

I guess I'm just shocked by all of this attention we're getting by Not dating and not jumping each other's bones as soon as we are alone. It's like the right combo to unlock the paparazzi option, all eyes suddenly turn to you and you hear this "Ooohh look at that!" coming from all directions. It's a really weird, kinda creepy feeling and yet not, a part of me laughs about it all.

I'm, as usual, lost in the translation. Either I'm missing a key part here or I'm analyzing way too much.

Eureka!

I can no longer, in good conscience, act like I am bad, guilty, stupid, etc., ad nauseum. It is a slap in the face to all of those who tell me I am not.

I have acted like I am beneath and not worthy or able to keep up with so many. While simultaneously excluding those I think are worse than I.

I have pigeonholed myself into this corner of aloneness and loneliness, exclaiming "But I can't help being a freak!" Even though the persecuting are nowhere to be seen.

I am able to keep up in conversations. I am polite and courteous, I am compassionate and generous in the ways I am able to be.

I intimidate others just by being myself and by not groveling or second guessing myself or my abilities. Not because intimidation is the response sought. Instead that this is the reaction of those who usually bully and then find someone who will not take the bullshit lying down.

I am not an idiot and I should stop proclaiming it in order to convince myself, but instead start living it.

I am strong, I need not convince anyone of that. I prove it over and over again almost daily.

I am lovable and I accept the love others offer me freely, without trying to attach anything or reason behind it.

I hope each of you has a Eureka moment like this yourselves. (If you haven't already.)

Give it to me...

Straight.

It doesn't seem like too much to ask, unfortunately in this day and age - it is for many. So few have the courage to tell it like they see it, fear of being politically incorrect or offensive or the object of anger or, or, or - there are too many excuses why it's better to beat around the bush, instead of pointing to the places which are either stunting growth or blooming beautifully.

Tonight I had a wonderful, fun-filled and surprising evening out with friends.
Surprising because an old friend and crush of mine showed up, whom I haven't seen in over two years. My crush on him is so old it's now an inside joke between us and our mutual friends.

This man, however, is one of those who always gives it to me straight. Whether it's something hard for me to hear or an affirmation of something I was confused about or a comment on something good about myself I hadn't seen. He doesn't need prompting from me, he just looks around, observes and absorbs as much as possible, then quickly comes to conclusions. Usually these are dead on, whether they are about me or anyone else.

He's tricky, he acts lazy and like a dumb good ole boy from Grand Junction - but he is the sharpest and smartest man I have met when it comes to psychology, riddles and piecing together the intricate puzzles people assemble between themselves and others. I have always been a bit awed by how quickly he can make such accurate assessments of those around him.

Tonight was not any different. We talked one on one for a time. He was sharp and straight to the point on many things with me, but always with that lazy smile. The kind of smile that belongs to the dreamy boy next door, it puts you at ease and gives you the vapors, even while he's skinning you alive. He confirmed a bunch of things which I have been confused about, it brought me some peace of mind.

The best part is that he initiates these talks, I never have to ask "So what do you think about...?" He just turns to me and says "Now correct me if I'm wrong but..." or "Is it just my imagination, but I could swear that..."

No wonder my crush on him has never faded, though with so many years between it's evolved to the adoration of a brother and person I hope will always keep reappearing in my life from time to time.

You know, come to think of it - between him and Gabe, they were the ones who told me time and again "You're a smart girl, you should give yourself more credit." They both pushed me to learn where my mental strengths are and taught me how to use them. Without either of them in my life I wouldn't be the woman I am today. He helped onto the road of self-realization and empowerment. The whole time using a silly role playing game as the means to get the message across.

I have amazing friends and I'm starting to get that they think the same thing about me.

Ego Boosting

I was having this conversation with a friend of mine and she pointed at a sore spot, then poked it. Quite by accident, mind you, she doesn't know me well enough yet to know that this is habitual for me.

I fall in love with every person I befriend. Male or female. It's not romantic, but yet it is because they are the ones I experience intimacy with. Not sex, that's not always intimate. But the ones I relax completely around, whom I share my heart with like two kids flopped facedown on the bed together exchanging secret gifts. Whom I hold up as fantastic human beings and my favorite people in the world. In the process I do what most Aries do, I give them genuine ego boosts. Because my praise is genuine and from the heart.

But there have been those who have seen this and taken advantage of it. Seeing how poorly they can treat me before I break. I'm more wary now, easier to frighten and I can't tell friend from foe. This is a sad thing, I want to give praise as a piece of the vision I see not to keep my friends. And when I look around me, I see glorious beings who are amazing, compassionate, generous, kind, talented, intelligent, humorous. Why can't I sing their praises? It is not to stroke the ego, it's to share a gleaming of what I see in hopes that they'll see it in themselves too. Because compliments should be a sharing of visions of beauty, to let them see themselves through your eyes.

Not an ego stroking session.

I'm going to let go of that, what I do, I do from the heart and if others choose to use that however it is they decide - that's all them. I don't have to break, though I reserve the right to show you the shadows I see as well. I see the whole vision, with each person in my life. Not their entire being, though in a metaphysical way - we are all one = I would know their entire being, but it's like an aura.

That's one of the things that tears me apart when I recognize someones using me for less than good reasons. Like thinking they are doing me a favor by being my friend, and using my enthusiasm for engineering their projects. Using my skills for their gains only and overdoing it.
So I can give freely, but it doesn't mean I'm stupid. It means I'm not going to bow away from what I see but I'm also not going to be a doormat.

I have many soul-brothers. I'd say around 40 or 50 of them. All over the world. They are men who have become my friends and are dedicated to me as their sister. But if you are my brother, I can rain the praises down whenever I wish and it doesn't mean anything more than sisterly love. If you are my lover, then the lines blur a bit. Especially the ones who stand on the line between the two. I am not deferential, I openly love every one of my friends and praise them all often, I love all of my lovers of the past and praise them as well.

It is always the man standing newly in front of me who is balanced between would-be lover and possible brother, which causes me to become confused and unsure of it all. And the men who purposely wedge themselves into that space for extended periods, then withdraw until I call out for them and do it again. Wash, rinse, repeat. These are the ones who hurt me and I swore after Gustav and then Edward - never again would I allow that in my life. For when my sweet angel face cracks and the kali underneath comes out, that relationship is over. So many men hope for the perfect woman who holds a glamoured mirror up to them and think that is happiness and love. It isn't, it's only one side of it. You have to reflect back and build each other up as a unit or it'll all come crashing down.

So, is it that I need more praise myself? I must ask this question. No. There is only so far a relationship can go when only one side is doing all the giving. Thankfully there are not too many people I've met who are 100% takers. Usually they are out of my life quickly.

I need to reread this and think some more.

Overwhelming

We finally prove that this country is not a bunch of blind stupid sheep. I hear the whole world is celebrating our election of Obama.

It is overwhelming to be a part of this nation's history right now. So many things happening, so much hope being poured out towards an icon of a man.

I'm reminded of how I pour all of my hope out into the laps of those I want in my life. Instead of taking my life by the reigns and giving myself the things I hope for.

Confusion and fear are survival tools, easily manipulated. Helping us to deal with those things we do not want to face or those things we should not allow. Warning systems built in, so to speak.

I'm am confused about many things. As I've said to a friend, if I wasn't confused right now, I'd be Wonder Woman with my own invisible jet and lasso of truth. I don't know how to face what is in front of me and I do not understand what all it means, so I am frightened. I'm trying to stop the fight or flight from being hair trigger sensitive. Trying to breathe, take everything slowly. No sudden moves, no grandiose ideas or theories, no assumptions, no expectations...

It's a tall order. I'm fidgety with life and a procrastinator, I seem to be at the point in my life where I personify paradox. I wonder how long before I tire of this as well and move on. Gabe once called me something close to being a pioneer. I always seem to dip my hands into things before others catch onto it. Once it becomes a fad I get disgusted and move on. Like too many kids in the pond muddies the water. That's usually when someone gets a leech. ;)

I might pioneer in one part of my life, but in others I'm horribly behind. Almost old fashioned in some ways, completely out of my element and floundering with a few. And I wish life weren't so difficult to decipher. But then what would we do for real fun?

Ok, I'm sleep typing now. Time to go to bed!

Girly Girl

I've been dealing with this strange feeling of neutrality regarding my gender and sexuality. Kind of like being androgynous but not looking it. (My curves are Way too pronounced for me to be called androgynous by looks alone.)

So, I went out last night, got tipsy, dressed nice and danced my heart out. I just emptied myself of anything but the music and let it take over my body. I'm told I dance amazingly when I'm like that, in the dance trance. *shrug* I'm too into it to even care.

But suddenly I felt like a woman, I felt my body moving in provocative ways, felt the waves of pheromones rolling off of me and I noticed the men who were watching me from the sidelines, the men who were getting closer and closer to me on the dance floor. I had to laugh aloud, I remembered what it feels like to be a woman and I was enjoying it.

I'm not sure what happened to neuter me like that, even during sex I didn't feel like a woman. But that identification with my gender is back. Not to say that suddenly I will want to run out and get involved in long discussions about dime store romances and domestic issues (if I'm sexist it's against my own gender - I know, I know...) but I'm definitely starting to feel sexy again.

I'm dancing on the lines, we are all genders (there's more than 2) within our psyches. It seems I've had a taste of feeling solely like each at least once in this life so far.