What is the question again?

I've been thinking about my main relationship issue - falling for those who are inaccessible. It's a long repeated pattern which always ends badly.

I've asked the question of why for so long I'm feeling like a 3yr old. (After the 2yr old "No!" phase is the 3yr old "Why?" phase for most children, it usually lasts a few years as well.)

That question isn't doing it for me, obviously. I've known about this problem of mine for about 10yrs now and have gotten no further than seeing it.

I can look at my past and the fact that my parents weren't very accessible to me through most of my childhood. I've talked about the type of neglect I endured before. I was simultaneously held up as a trophy and completely ignored in all other ways most of my formative years.

I believe I've been attracted to people who are similar most of my life. Not neglectful, just unavailable mostly. It's a comfort thing and when I'm ignored my temper flairs, some part of me hates it as much as I seek it out.

But it is not healthy to push people away and then get upset when they actually go. It is not fair to others nor to myself. My mother told me once, "Honey, you don't know how to accept the love people give you and you definitely don't know how to accept it from yourself."

How right she was and still is. Friends of mine have been trying the repeat method lately. They tell me, over and over again with patience - you are a good person, there is nothing wrong with you, you are fun to be around, you are beautiful, smart and talented, you are loved. When I push, they calmly take my hand and say "you can't get rid of me that easily. Keep pushing if you like, but I'm here to stay."

Andy pointed out last night that we've been friends for 16yrs now and he hasn't gotten sick of me yet. He and his wife are amazing, I really adore my friends. I blush whenever these dialogs happen, I'm not used to it and it makes me uncomfortable - but I don't tune them out and I don't forget what they say. I keep hoping that one day the seeds of this patience and understanding, this unconditional love for me will take full root and I'll finally believe them 100%.

I can't be all that bad if such amazing people stick with me over the years. I'm not the easiest to get along with by a long shot, I throw temper tantrums on a weekly basis - even though it embarrasses me almost instantly afterward and I wish I wasn't so childlike in so many ways. I don't put up with tantrums in children, why should I do it myself?

But I'm wandering from the topic... or am I? The men I have loved, fully let go of my fears and risked everything on throughout my adult life - all of them were unavailable to me. They gave me 100s of reasons, most of them the same and most of them turned right around after we broke it all off and found a woman to do everything they said they didn't want to do with me.

The last one still hurts, I've pushed it down and only allow the bitterness to visit from time to time, but I'm still deeply wounded by it. He didn't break it off, he said "I'll call you in a couple of days and we can talk about this." I never heard from him again and it's been over a year. He cut me completely out of his life in silence. The one way which is perfect for cutting me to the core - to act like I don't exist and never did to begin with, to pull the silent treatment without any way ever of reprieve. He professed his love for an image of perfection I could not ever live up to and when I showed my humanity - he freaked out and ran away so fast all I could do was gasp and cry into the empty air he left behind him. I've gone through the stages of grieving once, who knows if I'll go through the cycle again. It took me 5 years to get past the pain of my first love's inaccessibility, I don't want to go through that again. Too many years wasted pining over something that could never be and he let me down gently, with much love for me as a friend.

When I don't go for this type of man - I go for the "I need a Mom" emotionally abusive types, the white knights who give so much they end up resenting you for not appreciating it with undying devotion, the ones with all of the worst characteristics of my father.

I don't want to be Mom to a grown man - unless he's my son and I don't have a son. I don't want to be someone's devotee or emotional punching bag or coerced sadomasochist enabler. When I realize you're pushing buttons to get me to chastise you on purpose - I recognize the game almost instantaneously and get Really angry, so angry I leave the relationship altogether immediately - do not pass Go, do not collect anything other than your shit from my place.

I want to be an equal. I want someone I can learn from and teach from time to time. I want to have a companion who doesn't cling or ignore, I know there's a middle ground in there and it's the healthiest way to be, I can see that. Someone to express joy with and explore the world like adventuring kids, whether it's the backyard or on the other side of the planet.

I'm tired of the old unrequited tune, it's time to put on a different record. I'm going to start by accepting that it's ok to love myself exactly as I am, that I'm ok alone and with company, that it's ok to be introverted.

You know, I wasn't so introverted in my 20s, I was a regular social butterfly but I was miserable. I felt like my social rounds were done in the name of avoiding loneliness and I was right. I was happiest with my nerdy friends debating philosophy, science and theology til sunrise at diners over coffee and too many cigarettes.

Those days are over, we've grown up, one of us has died but that doesn't mean I can't find that fulfillment and happiness in other ways now. I just have to reach out to the type of people willing to be in that space with me, they are in my life and I find joy whenever I am in their company.

Maybe I'll never find the one who can be my constant companion in these things, but I have plenty of friends who fill that need within me. I have many years of life left to live, I'm going to stop searching and be happy with what I have right now, because it's pretty freaking phenomenal.